It’s probably taken me three years to sit myself down and write this down. They say it takes courage to face your fears. I didn’t have the courage and still don’t think I do. Have you ever loved? I’m not talking about that take a snap and post it to IG and use random words to describe your love kind of love. I’m talking about loving someone and putting them before your needs. I’m talking about that R. Kelly when a woman loves type of love.
So for me to actually sit down and type this, I’ve taken more than a shot of courage. As a teenager I knew nothing about how it felt to love someone and when this feeling came over me I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. Should I follow my feeling or do I just let it and maybe it’ll fade away? I took the former and hoped it would fade away. For a moment it did, but for some reason this specific girl kept creeping into my life just when I was about to move on.
In a short while I was done with high school and I could now forget her forever. She had a boyfriend, I had just broken up with my girlfriend and I was about to join university. The transition from high school to post-secondary education was seamless. I was free to do as I pleased. I could finally get a bite of the uni life. I didn’t waste time and took a chunk of it. Even in my wildest dreams I didn’t imagine it possible for me to get into the system so fast.
For a moment I’d thought of settling down and getting one girlfriend to even out the bad spells. The universe wouldn’t let me move on. I had found the perfect girl. We were both freshmen and she liked me for who I was. I liked her despite the fact that we barely had anything in common. She made me happy. It just happened that a mutual friend had a party. I had expected to see her there but she didn’t show up.
In the heat of the moment I cosied up to another girl and we got things off. She wasn’t anything like the other girl, but a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, right? We went out and in my drunken state and excitement I didn’t notice the other girl was around. By the time I noticed the other girl was all over me. I had lipstick all over my face from all the clowning. The other girl didn’t care that I’d slipped though. She walked up to me, pulled the girl from my lap and proceeded to take that position. I didn’t do much because I was happy.
I knew I’d finally found the one. But did I say the universe has a way of messing up good things? Just when we were about to get things going, my past walked up to my doorstep drenched in sadness and I caved. I couldn’t say no to her. I let the first bit of happiness I’d encountered for the first time in years just walk out of the door. I watched as another guy came along and moved in to something I’d built. I was back to where it had all started 6 years before. With the girl I loved but not really progressing with anything between us.
This time, I honestly thought it’d work. I was ready to settle down and she came in ready to make things work. Did it work? I don’t know. I loved her and as I said, I’d do anything for her. People talk of slavery, physical abuse and infidelity but psychological and emotional manipulation probably denied me something I’ll never get to experience. Just when I opened up and she showed positive signs of breaking her imaginary boundary, she pulled back.
She made me question myself. Was I a problem? Was I not good enough? What did I do wrong? At no time did I stop to think maybe she was the problem. Maybe I was trying to hard to salvage something that was non-existent. I swore that was the last time I would fall for the same thing. I didn’t hate her but I stayed away from her and anyone who reminded me of her. A year went by and I had finally got over the fact that I wasn’t good enough.
I met someone else. She was different. I wasn’t ready to commit my self but I took things at a pace where I wouldn’t feel at a loss after a while. I never told anyone but I knew she was the one at the back of my mind. We didn’t supplement each other but complimented each other’s personalities in our own special ways. I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression so we kept it under wraps. I was finally warming up to the idea of dating again.
Love came back to bite me in the back again and I had to look back. Who do I see? Yes, the girl I loved. This time I was indifferent. I wasn’t sure whether to be sorry for myself or for her. Either way, I let another good girl go for the simple fact that I didn’t want to be to her what this girl was to me. I had to make a choice; take this new girl and forever live with the fear that I may leave her for the old girl or let her find happiness and not put her through my situation. I chose the latter. I left but I didn’t go back to love.
I kept the love alive but from a distance. I still falter every now and then but I always get up and limp on. Someone once told me, only the wearer of the pants know the pain of being pinched by your zipper. I’ve never been perfect at anything and I learn from each passing day. Will I fall back and risk losing another ten years of my life? Maybe, maybe not. I can only say that I’m a work in progress and I know many people are suffering fro m their past out there. People will tell you to move on, it’ll be better and all that other scripted stuff. Only you know when it’ll be better. Time heals all wounds and you and I are no different. Only time can heal our wounds.