The Right Time to be Comfortable is Never

The Right Time to be Comfortable is Never

One of the few things in life I was taught as recently as last week was to never get too comfortable. I couldn’t agree more. Comfort is the enemy of progress and my fellow high class strugglers can attest to this.

It has however come to my attention that some people are taking this statement as a joke and I am not taking it lightly. I was accorded the express right to be the comfort regulator by the Global Comfort Association (Herein referred to as GCA) and my jurisdiction includes without discrimination all genders and race, aesthetic value notwithstanding.

In line with this, I have taken it upon myself to remind everyone of the importance of not getting to comfortable. Part of the GCAs principles is the Principle of Separation. This principle states that “For every statement put out, only one group is targeted.” Fortunately, today I’m here for the ladies. Ladies do more than make the world go round, some of them are round.

Ladies, comfort seems like the real deal from outside the window. I’d get why comfort is a driving force. Who doesn’t want state of the art cars, a palatial home, designer clothes and a life on the globes skylines. It’s practically the life most people dream of. But comfort is your enemy brethren. Comfort isn’t what you want your lady to want and here are a few reasons why.

Ladies will speak to you in English in the nascent stages of EOI. The English isn’t necessarily taught in schools and if you are worth your second grade English Aid, you would tell from the way they text. Why do they do this? They heard you quote some documentary and the only way to put across the point was in the Queen’s language.

Alas! Once she gets comfortable things change. She forgets to send that, “Hey baby, morning. Can I come over today and probably bring some food?” Instead it changes to, “At the door. Open up and you better have food.” The difference in tone is all due to comfort. At first trying to impress you but once she get’s comfortable her inner Prison Warden reveals itself.

That’s just the beginning. When you first meet a girl she’s very polite and does supernatural things like fart in private. (I won’t say my sister has shown me this decency. Since they are two one can sacrifice herself. But then again I’m not in their sights) Ladies will be girl scouts when they first meet you, smiling, crossing their legs and even leaving food on their plates.

How this changes to her farting at your parents during dinner still baffles me. Where the appetite comes from only a hoodlum with munchies would comprehend. The same lady who would nibble on a drumstick and have a bulging tummy a few weeks ago now eats your niece’s cereals. What do I blame for this change in attitude towards food? Hormones? No. Comfort is to blame.

It’s always their pride and joy to hang out with you and your cool friends on the first dates. They’d give up their smart phones for a feature phone just to hear your pal Mike crack his jokes about his overweight boss (I hope your boss doesn’t read this Mike). You actually have a sense of pride in her being around you at the right times. (All the time is not the right time)

Four months down the line, Mike is the one making you spend Friday nights out and waste all your money. She doesn’t even know Mike paid for half of the bed she’s holding on to. She doesn’t even laugh at Mike’s jokes anymore, she chuckles. Who chuckles at Mike’s jokes? I once saw a deaf and dumb guy tear after imagining what Mike was saying. And mind you, Mike’s boss added some more weight. It’s all in that little comfort.

Remember how she only used to drink expensive wines that you couldn’t afford at the bar? That was her trying to be all lady-like and show you she’s not like every Mary (Not the virgin), Christine and Linda. She even goes as far as asking for a bottle of sparkling water. Sparkling water? Who is this? Beyonce’s Zulu sister?

After a few inexpensive coffee dates, you’re comfortable that you’ll never have to break the bank to make lil mama high. Lo unto you! The day you beg her to taste your over-diluted drink is the day you’ll curse your grandfather for not collaborating with the colonialists. At least then you’d have someone to blame for the curse that’s about to befall you. She’ll finish your drink, pour herself another, lose the cup and swig from the bottle. Comfort.

EOI will make a girl denounce her imaginary citizenship to Jamaica and even deny her relations with Konshens just because this new guy she’s eyeing likes EDM. She will risk losing her friends and even temporarily forget how to gyrate her hips just to reach her end goal, you.

Once she’s in Canaan, you my brother are about to feel the wrath of 10,000 Jamaicans and Haile Selassie. She’ll start slow with some common artists who betrayed their roots for American visas like Sean Paul and Shaggy. Then she’ll sneak in Tarrus Riley and next thing you know there’s a vybz kartel in your home and Israel is vibrating all over the place. Comfort son. Comfort.

For today I’ll stop at the Achilles heel of being too comfortable. Honesty. Ladies will reserve their comments at first and so will you. At this point, you’ll realize the relationship is smooth sailing, better days and all. This is the stage where you stroke game is below par but she bears with you and even goes as far as researching from blue movies just to make things work out. You won’t mention how her snoring and hazardous farts put you on the brink of death.

She’ll come up with the, I prefer to be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie. Don’t fall for that if you don’t believe rhinos are unicorns. Don’t tell her she looks like a pedestal rock when she wears her favourite black dress. Don’t tell her that her weaves smell like homeless mutt either, even if you have to die. It’ll save you the, “You have a small dick” or “Jim is better than you” conversation. Sheltered ego is more effective than a bruised one. Stay safe, comfort son.

I’ll not say comfort is a bad thing but once you get comfortable there’s a very high likelihood you’ll slip into the too comfortable zone and what happens afterwards will solely be on you. No guy shall be held responsible for seeking asylum in Umoja Estate just so you erase them from your database. Guys aren’t safe from the comfort train as well. Be on the lookout brethren, you are on the radar.


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