“Trust me…..I didn’t mean to…..” sobbed Angela as she desperately tried to hold on to Matt’s hand. It had all gone in the wind. What had happened? Three years! Three years of solid building had vanished in an instant. Angela couldn’t hold back her tears as Matt sadly walked out without a word and closed the door behind him. She had suddenly lost it all. Everything she worked so hard to build had crumbled right in front of her and she couldn’t do anything about it. On the rummaged living room, a pair of shoes lay next to the seat.
Angela and Matt had met while in university. They were all from well-off families and met at a function where their parents were guests. From the outside, Angela was a reserved lady that liked the simple things in life despite her lavish lifestyle. Matt on the other hand, was wild and always looking for trouble. “Hi, are you taking Commerce at NSU? Because, damn that ass!” Remarked Matt as he picked a glass of whisky from the counter. Angela was taken aback. “Excuse me?” She retorted as she took a step back. “ Hi, I’m Matt but I can be yours. I’ve seen you at NSU before. Just thought I’d say hi to a familiar figure who’s not my dad.” Angela smiled back at him and replied, “I’m Angela but you can call me Ange. And yes I’m at NSU. Not taking Commerce though.”
The two seemed to have some chemistry. Matt always had something sly to say and Angela’s smile melted the hearts of the people she interacted with. Over time they became close. As they grew closer, Matt learned of Angela’s insecurities that arose from her mother’s relationship with her dad. He was abusive and constantly made her and her mother feel like lesser people. She had struggled to get over it but she was struggling with esteem issues. She constantly needed him to reassure her of her beauty and worth. Matt didn’t mind this given that had grown up without a dad and his mother had taught him the significance of appreciating people for who they were and treating them with respect.
A few months after knowing each other, they became intimate. They were inseparable. She was the six to his nine. They were taking different units so as they progressed in their respective courses, they spent more and more time away from each other. They, however, still found ways of staying in each others’ lives. In his final year of university, Matt’s mother was diagnosed with a chronic illness. It greatly affected him and he started becoming reclusive. The thought of living without his mother drove him crazy. Over time, it started to affect his relationship with Angela. At first, she tried her best to accommodate his mood swings but it took a toll on her as well. Things however, took a turn for the better when Matt’s mum improved and even resumed her business. He revived his relationship with Ange and they were once again the couple that everyone on campus envied.
Matt had fallen a year back in his studies which meant he had to graduate one year after Angela did. By the time he was finishing school, Angela was already working. Matt soon got a job and moved out of his mother’s house. Their relationship was steady and they moved in together. A couple of months after moving in together, Ange got a promotion which meant she had to take up more responsibilities. Matt supported her in every way he could. The dark cloud that was Matt’s mum’s condition rose its ugly head again and in a few weeks, she passed away. Matt couldn’t get over it and fell into depression. Everything seemed good on the outside but he was dead inside. He wasn’t the same person. He immersed himself in his work to fill the void left by the loss of his mum.
Angela was struggling between balancing her job and trying to get Matt to open up. He had, however, confided in his best friend about the impact the death of his mother had on his social life. Brian, Matt’s best friend was a close friend of the couple. He always tried to explain to Ange that all Matt needed was time to mourn and he would be back to his old self. In between trying to cheer up Matt and being the link between the couple, he developed an affection for Ange. It wasn’t weird that they would spend time together give that they had become friends and worked in the same field. They would meet up after work and link up with Matt. As time moved though, they would sometimes meet up without Matt. “Hey. Where are you? I thought we had movie night today?” Matt asked after Ange hadn’t shown up despite them agreeing on meeting. “Sorry, got caught up with work I forgot to tell you.” Matt had noticed that Ange was not as close to him but he assumed it was because of his depression.
Their sex life also wasn’t the same. Ange was barely ever in the mood and when she was Matt had a difficult time rising to the occasion. Matt got a big project that required him to travel. He was going to be away for one month. When on the trip, he tried as much as possible to keep in touch with Ange. He would call and text whenever he got the opportunity. At times, she would not answer his calls only to text back a while later stating that she was busy. One of the projects Matt is was working on got delayed and he had to go back home earlier than scheduled.
He called to inform Ange of the change in arrangements but she was not available. This didn’t bother him as he considered this an opportunity to surprise her and try to rekindle the burning love they once had. When he got to the country, he purchased some flowers and chocolate which he knew Ange liked. He took a cab home and to his surprise the door wasn’t locked. He thought she might have just got home so he removed his shoes and walked up the flight of stairs that led to their bedroom. He opened the door and was met with the rudest shock of his life. Brian’s sweaty body was cuddled up next to Ange’s in his bed. The two were asleep and didn’t notice Matt’s distraught figure standing over the bed. He walked over to his bedside drawer, took out a gun, dragged a seat next to Brian and gently tapped him on the shoulder.
“It’s…..it’s, it’s not what you thi……” stammered Brian as he tried to grab whatever he could find to cover himself. Ange could barely utter a single word. “I knew you had my back bro, but my wife’s as well?” Asked Matt as he brought the gun’s butt closer to Brian’s face. The two friends had seen each other in all scenarios, but this was the first time, one’s face presented death. “Can you make it out in seven seconds? Because that’s all you have before I end this fairy tale!” Said Matt as he calmly rose from his seat. Brian bolted from the bed but as he was trying to collect his clothes, he heard the gun cock. He scampered for safety rushing down the stairs. On his way out, fumbled over furniture.
Brian walked back up to his room. Ange was still cowered up in bed. Without a word, he pulled out a suit case, packed a few clothes, his gun and walked out. “Wait! Please, let’s talk about this! I’m sorry! Matt!” Shouted Ange as she pulled a gown from the floor and chased after Matt. She grabbed on to him but her pleas fell on deaf ears. He was broken and no amount of sorries would suffice. He gave her one last glance as she held on to his hand, shook his head, released himself and walked out. It was all gone.
I can count the number of times I have had a decent dining experience. I’m very cultured just to be clear. The invites I get to join the who and who of Nairobi are too many. Usually I don’t know these people because I am the plus one so that’s why I referred to them as who and who. But there’s always that one dinner you go to and it’s not amped but has this boujee ambience that gives you an accent.
I’ll start from the top. In my line of work, we get invited to different social and corporate events. I’m a sucker for the former because I like having a good time and smiling at random people. It just happened that a corporate event had popped up and the person scheduled to go had a minor racing accident. She was confined to the bathroom.
I barely dress up but on this day I had on my favourite everything. From hair to socks. My boss looked around and pointed at me, “Ed, you’re going for the event. We’re leaving in ten minutes!” My heart was all over the place. There was a major tremor recorded on the seismic scale that day. I hadn’t practised on my English accent and that was everything I needed to make things smooth.
But who I’m I? The girls them sugar. I took a sip of cold soup and washed it down with hot water. My boss was a very fancy lady that had probably never been embarrassed in her life. That’s until of course she asked me to accompany her to a corporate dinner. We got there at around 6pm. The cars in the parking lot didn’t make things any easier. I may have let out one or two farts but they weren’t anything major.
We were ushered in by these beautiful ladies who I could have sworn I had interacted with at another social gathering. The music was so mellow that by the time we made it into the dining area, I already had my accent. We exchanged a few pleasantries with some of the dignitaries present and went on to sit.
Now this is where things got a little bit weird. On a regular day, a beer would have done it for me. If not, a gin and tonic on the rocks with a slice of lemon. And when I feel all sophisticated, a bottle of whisky and smoked fish takes the day. The waiter came to take our orders and I was feeling all exotic and thought of ordering a lobster thermidore, but opted for the spiced orange roast chicken. I know, it tastes as good as it sounds. When it got to the drinks, I didn’t know jack about wine. My prior interaction had come in the form of communion, Carlo Rossi and Overmeer.
I looked through the wine list and saw something familiar, baume. It reminded me of bum and I have a soft spot for this specific anatomy. Domaine de la Baume turned out to be the best thing I had ever had. The pairing with the chicken was heavenly. I could hear my ancestors slow clapping as I sliced through that bird with silver and didn’t mess my second hand shirt. I could see my boss was proud of me just by the way she asked about the palate of the wine.
“It’s voluptuous and slightly honeyed.” I don’t know where I had read that but let’s just say I attended more corporate events in the future. My boss had the Fish Hoek Merlot which I tried some time later and I fell in love with it. And you should too. Oh! And you can get a discount if you refer your friend at Oaks and Corks, just get it from here.
“How long is this going to take? I need to be somewhere in the afternoon,” remarked Jaden as the meeting wore on longer than earlier stated. He was meeting a group of investors looking to pump some money into a joint venture but his mind was elsewhere. He was scheduled to meet Kristen at some point in the afternoon
“We’re almost done. I just need to confirm we’re all on the same page before anything kicks off,” replied the chairman as he perused through the last pages of the proposal. Jaden and Kristen had known each other for years. Kristen had been out of the country for a while and even when she came back, would be in a completely different city.
Jaden and Kristen had unnatural chemistry. Despite the distance, they always had a reason to keep in touch. This was the first time in almost a decade they were meeting more than once within two months. The two were set to go for a meet-up at one of Jaden’s friends’ place. This was regular for him but it was something Kristen would not normally do, but chose to. She was a very reserved person.
Her beauty had levels. You’d see one thing today and the next time you see her; you’d notice something else to intrigue you. She was intelligent and genuine in all her actions. Her smile and composed were very calming to whoever she spoke to. Jaden on the other hand, was nothing close to this. When put on a scale, she would tip the scale in her favour. It was like beauty and the beast, only that beast didn’t own a mansion in this case. But they individually had reasons to keep in contact.
By the time Jaden had confirmed what time he was to meet up with Kristen, there was a football game on. He was an ardent football fan and Kristen, though not a sports fan herself, was supportive of this. All the time he was watching the game, he still wasn’t sure inviting her was the best decision because his friends were nothing remotely close to what she was used to.
They were the complete opposite. Loud, lived life on the edge and always had something silly to say about someone. He wasn’t so worried as to what they’d say but how she would perceive it. Things were going on the football front so he was calming down as time wore on. His friend picked him up in the late evening and they headed to where Kristen was staying.
“Hey, I’m outside,” said Jaden as soon as he got to her place. “Already? Ok, I’ll be out shortly,” she replied. After what seemed like a mini eternity, she emerged. “I hope this is ok. And I won’t be making someone at the venue angry, will I? A lady perhaps?” Jaden as always, was underwhelming in his dressing with jeans, a sweater and sandals. She on the other hand, looked like a gem. A black dress that was slightly above her knee, stockings and to cap it off, a Barcelona jacket, just in case it got cold or the team won.
The drive to their destination wasn’t long and on arrival, Kristen was almost taking for the hills but she barely knew her bearings from there. They made their way into the house after a quick round of introductions. Kristen and Jaden got comfortable in one part of the living room area and got lost in their own conversation. The two had a lot to say to each other but didn’t know how to express it. They would easily talk about anything, but barely scratched the surface about their feelings for each other.
“So, what are you thinking?” Asked Kristen. “About what exactly?” Responded Jaden. “You know what I mean. You’re a smart guy and don’t need me to spell everything out for you.” She said with a smile on her face. They had for long, harboured their feelings from each other because of the fear of the unknown. What of it didn’t work? What if they became too comfortable and started looking outside for happiness? It was a myriad of questions that had no definite answers.
“I don’t know. I…I…I think I just want to be with you and that’s it.” Jaden muttered. This was a topic none of them were prepared to talk about but they decided to. “You don’t have to though. I don’t want you to hate me. Sometimes when you get something you’ve wanted for so long, you lose interest in it. You can be with someone else, no pressure at all.” She amid chatters from Jaden’s friend’s outside the house.
“I’d rather take the risk I guess,” Jaden replied before she pulled him closer and plated a light kiss on his cheek. At this point he wasn’t sure of what to do. He simply held her tight and lingered in the moment thinking of what could be. “Go now. Your friends are probably waiting for you.” She whispered with her bright smile.
He hesitated for a few minutes and went out but was back on the couch with her shortly afterwards. It was as if any minute lost that could be spent with her would never be recovered. Technically that was true because her time in the country was limited and they had to make it count. It was very late into the night and with everybody still up, they cosied up on the couch waiting on one or the other to fall asleep.
“Ey, the room upstairs is ready. You guys can go sleep,” blurted out Viola as she gestured to her room. She was the host and would do the most to make us comfortable. They gathered everything they had, which was Kristen’s purse and phone. They got to the room and lay on the bed facing each other.
“I came here with answers and now I’m even more confused.” Said Kristen. Jaden ran his hands across her face and replied, “Emotion has no logic.”
So I’m in the office doing what I do best and get paid to do, research for dank memes and share them with my loyal followers. I have to say that this has to be one of the most difficult tasks. Keeping the masses fed and satisfied is not a mean feat. Back to the backbone of the story, which has nothing to do with the dank memes I share. It’s absolutely true though, I share memes like a generator.
Well, I was deep into my research and this lady walked in fuming. Under ordinary circumstances I wouldn’t even be concerned and would be bumping to bad and boujee while exploring the deep dark web. But this wasn’t any normal situation. Have you ever seen a corgi? Let me explain what kind of breed this is. It’s one of those tiny dogs that may or may not be cute but have this really fluffy behinds.
So this lady is pretty compact. She’s very short, with an ok face. There’s really nothing to write home about it because she looks sad even when smiling. It’s like she sees the disappointment you bring even before you do. You can however, write an equestrian on her booty. She has a massive booty and not those one that fluctuate depending on the dressing. It’s one of those all-weather butts.
It jiggles in yoga pants, dresses and jeans. I’m not kidding you. It has no respect for attires. None whatsoever! So she strut in all red into the CFOs office. Let me tell you about our CFO. You don’t just waltz into her office unless you’re psyched up, backed up with facts or just like starting shit. So I knew something was cooking but I’m like Kermit, it’s never any of my business.
A few moments later, my front desk mates followed suit and came out after deliberations I didn’t concern myself with. The day ended pretty well and I couldn’t complain about much except for the fact that there was a shortage in memes.
The next day is when things really heated up. Thuon or as we now call him, Chumbe Nyiri was summoned to the CFOs office. Next thing I know he cancelled lunch, which he was to buy by the way and just walked out with the company mediator, lawyer and part-time IT guy. One thing is that I’ve done is that I have made a few friends so my immediate front desk mate, who is loyal decided to let me in what was about to go down. (You need to have used your Kevin Hart voice there)
Chumbe Nyiri was headed to Central Police station. What I didn’t know was that the previous day Corgi had come to report the cockerels of all cocks to the HR for gross misconduct. You see, Chumbe likes life and as he has proven time and time again, we are visitors on earth and need to use every resources accordingly. He subscribes to esurio ergo manducare.
So he had gone out with another fine one and photographic evidence was shared on social. Corgi did not take kindly to this as she had vested interests and had assumed she was second in line. I forgot to mention Chumbe plucks a few feathers where he earns his daily seed. Corgi had taken offence in that she was skipped in line despite just being under the beak of the cock of cocks.
What did she decide to do? Report the man to the police for harassment. He had not shown any interest in her and she could not believe a sane Chumbe would turn a blind eye to a plate full of seeds. Upon reaching the station, they first had to establish what the main cause of concern was.
At first it was reported that he had called her unprintable names. Names you only buy for immediate pleasure and forget until the next encounter. But could this really be the Chumbe we know? Well, it could be but it wasn’t. The story later morphed into a case of gross ignorance. She felt ignored and snubbed by the man she had her eyes on.
The most appropriate cause of action was to report him and ensure he never turns down another female groin in his life. What kind of man turns down sexual advances? Is he even normal? I have to file a case against him because he has gone against nature! The case was eventually sorted out because Chumbe smiled at the female cop and explained that he had a long itinerary but he could fix her somewhere in between for rubbishing this absurd claims.
Chumbe Nyiri walked back into the office a hero. He had won the fight against forceful courting. He was now a hero and gave the young an opportunity to stand for their rights. The boy child had finally risen from the ashes and was triumphant. Now I just have to say hi to other ladies in the office smiling and bite lemons when greeting Corgi and when she shows interest I will slip up and that would be an unintentional assist from Chumbe.
I’m sure in the short or semi-long life you’ve lived, a few codes of conduct have been thrown around. Perhaps even more important that the constitution might be Bro Code. This is an elaborate manual of how bros shall conduct themselves around each other. In case you have no idea, I outlined some here, you can always follow up.
I however, realized not everyone is a bro. So what happens when a bro who is not really a bro claims you have gone against the code? Do you suffer the consequences or do you get a pass? These are grey areas that need to be addressed and who better to set standards for communication that a keeper of codes?
A female can be a bro, after vetting
It has come to our attention that some bros from the fairer sex have been denied Bro status despite meeting all the set standards. Let’s make this clear, a bro is someone who comes through in tough times and what’s a harder time than a dry spell?
If a sister can deliver and lob you an Ozil-like pass in these treacherous times, she has more than qualified to be a bro. Some alleged bros feel their hunger pangs are supernatural and will never extend a favour even when in possession of a full platter.
A bro shall be of any sex as long as they come through.
A bro shall not depend on females for money
Let’s put it this way, if you were dead broke and there was nothing left in your chamber of coins, you shall die as a man. It is stated in the broble that a lady shall not give you money and forget. She will always remind you even when it has nothing to do with the money. Some alleged bros have also made it a habit to live off ladies, you are no longer bros.
The only exception when getting cash requisitions from the opposite sex is given to the following groups; your mother, sister and grandmother. Even if the lady is a bro, don’t do it. You never know when she might decide to turn back.
Bros still do not carry handbags
The bro code does not allow you to carry a handbag, even if it belongs to your mother. Handbags are made for ladies and it should remain as that. Even as Valentine’s Day approaches and you want to impress that lady that’s denied you access to her panties, this is not allowed. This is why equity is more important that equality.
There are always scenarios where you may have to carry this accessory. In the event that your mother or sister wants to give you money and the bag is a significant distance away, you can deliver it. If you’re with your girl in a dangerous area. You however, have to carry it in a plastic bag. In the event your significant other blacks out and in this case you need to admit her to a rehab centre.
Bros shall not lie about a conquest to intimidate bros
A new trend that has emerged is of bros earning script writing and editing skills without attending any professional institution. Some bros have made it a habit to always exaggerate conquests or imagine them for the less fortunate.
A bro that lies about a conquest shall not only be disbanded for a given period (depending on the severity). This act may push weaker or less lucky bros to depression and it would not be for a valid cause as stated in the broble.
A bro shall always pay their debt
Bros who do not pay debts may have to go back to the friend zone. A crop of bros has risen from the tribe of Judas that do not like paying debts. A bro is obligated to help a bro in the event of an emergency but only if the needy bro has a good track record of filing returns.
A bro that has a poor credit score shall always be met with the dreadful, “I’m not in a good place right now.” Make it your goal as a bro to always keep your word and other bros shall have no issue handing over their hard earned money.
It’s Monday lads, four days closer to the weekend. That should tell you the weekend just breezed by like a slipped fart and just like the aforementioned slip up, there must be something fishy. Well, I like to observe people when I go out. Not the creepy kind of observation. I don’t sit at a corner with a coloured straw drink with tight pants looking at random people.
I sit in the middle of the club in evenly fitting clothes sipping on redbull and water constantly distracted by an ass or two. It would be weird to be distracted by one ass. Like, “Check out that left butt cheek son! It’s got jiggle for days!” I’m not that weird though I would like to point out that most Instagram models have irregularly toned butts from their postures.
So back to the case at hand. A night out is the best time to follow up with anything you feel isn’t right. Today, it the insignificant other. From the term you’re probably thinking it’s a side chick or one of those broads you hit in nothing but broad daylight. No, that isn’t the case here. Actually, the insignificant other is usually very significant to the blind lad.
We all have that one lad that thinks he’s got it all figured out. Bring up sports, he’s the Jorge Mendes of all fields. Talk about politics, he’s the Nelson Mandela of liberating you from your ignorance. Mention music, he’s the Dr. Dre to your beat up ideas. Don’t even bring up relationships because he puts Dr. Phil and Maury to shame.
This is the lad with “The Girl”. The thing about words that have the previously mentioned article right before them is that they are usually horse shit. You get a guy that tells you, “I’m the man,” he’s probably not good at whatever he claims to be good at.
Lads, the insignificant other is usually your main lady. From inside she’s a total bitch but since you want to be life’s Don Juan, you suffer in silence. I like happy relationships just like every other guy out there. I watched all seasons of Spartacus and only forwarded through the violent bits. So when I see a good thing, I can tell a good thing and Spartacus was too damn good.
These lasses aren’t really bad people. They want the best for you in life and know that you’ll succeed if you cut off your lads. I liken these kind of ladies to a biblical character. He only wants the best for you in your life, at least that’s what he claims. Some call him Diablo, others Lucifer or if you’re still elementary, Satan.
As earlier stated, I have nothing against beneficial relationships and everyone deserves to have one as long as it’s consensual. The thing is you can help your lad grow without necessarily taking the life out of him. Unless you raised this lad and took care of him from birth to the point where you want to dig out your innards, he’s not an island.
Lads have been known to explore and in their late teens and twenties, they try to find their bearing in a cruel world. So when you cut out your lad from the world and expect him to progress, I have no doubt you’re an offspring of Satan. You’re probably wondering, why isn’t he talking about the lad? It’s simple, lads can be confused by trivial things such as ego.
As a lad though, if you have a sassy Sheila at home and wonder why your boys never involve you in anything, take heart. In fact, just take your heart, slip it into your pocket and slowly creep out of that house at midday. It would be hard to escape at night because she probably has your phone and even if she doesn’t, you answer it together. For my free lads in healthy relationships, that might just be the best gift in life.
All lads have that one friend that likes sharing. Not necessarily sharing anything with you, but generally shares their groin with any willing lass. This lad isn’t usually the Alpha male but he’s worked out the Science of getting ladies to remove or otherwise readjust their panties. In the ideal world, we’d like to be this lad. But do you really want to be this lad?
Say you’ve gone out for booze with the boys in a new location. Same town, same crowd, different setting. Everyone’s brought out their significant other for the night and you as The Lad have picked among your low hanging fruits and brought the freshest one out.
All’s going well. You’re busy searching her inner thighs for any foreign object, tongue checking for any mouth ulcers while maintaining a convo with the lads. What can go wrong, right? Well, there’s not really much that can go south unless another lass you’ve been schmoozing with shows up at the same venue.
This is where all that calculus and probability you thought would never be applied in life comes in handy. The probability that she checks in at midnight with another dude in tow is relatively high. The actual probability of her hoping to bump into you is quite low.
The probability of her accompanying a buddy and her guy is quite high. Also, the probability of her not finding a seat and walking right into your section and finding smooth-thighed lass on your lap is extremely high. Now let’s do the math and see the probability of two of these scenarios taking place at the same time and what the aftermath might be.
In this case, let’s hypothesize that she’s accompanied her buddy and her dude and walks into your section looking for a spot to sit. What do you do as a lad?
Do you freeze and act confused?
Do you drop the hot pocket from your thighs?
Do you smile, act happy to see her and welcome her?
Do you induce vomit and drive yourself home?
All of the above?
Well, lads, this is one of those situations where the cosine and tangent of fucking up is very high. In my case, 5 would have been the most suitable answer, because I’ve learnt how to eat my cake and can the cunt I can’t. In this scenario, The Lad, smiles, welcomes the lady to an already full spot knowing quite clearly she would not fit, based on sheer volume.
Lads have always been known to stand by each other and in this scenario there would also have been two outcomes. The lady can take the bluff, take a seat and see what you do next. This one is tricky because, you aren’t sure what the end goal is. You might end up with two lasses at the end of the night, one angry lass or none depending on upbringing.
If she chooses to stay calm all night and deny you the formerly forbidden fruit in the future, you my lad are lucky. Alternatively, she may choose to mess your whole night and sucker punch your lady to yesterday. A punched lady will not take kindly to being knocked out cold while looking hot and you will most likely drop her home and have your number blocked.
If she’s punched and still chooses to go home with you; it’s best to invest in some whips, latex, handcuffs, chains and a mouth gag. You’ve got yourself a freak. As a lad, you need to learn how to make your moves. Sometimes the hunter hunts the wrong prey and ends up sleeping hungry. Keep it lad and don’t forget, take her as far as possible. Something about a bird in hand and bushes.