Tag Archives: Kenya

When Tides Meet 1of 2

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­“How long is this going to take? I need to be somewhere in the afternoon,” remarked Jaden as the meeting wore on longer than earlier stated. He was meeting a group of investors looking to pump some money into a joint venture but his mind was elsewhere. He was scheduled to meet Kristen at some point in the afternoon

“We’re almost done. I just need to confirm we’re all on the same page before anything kicks off,” replied the chairman as he perused through the last pages of the proposal. Jaden and Kristen had known each other for years. Kristen had been out of the country for a while and even when she came back, would be in a completely different city.

Jaden and Kristen had unnatural chemistry. Despite the distance, they always had a reason to keep in touch. This was the first time in almost a decade they were meeting more than once within two months. The two were set to go for a meet-up at one of Jaden’s friends’ place. This was regular for him but it was something Kristen would not normally do, but chose to. She was a very reserved person.

She was beautiful

Her beauty had levels. You’d see one thing today and the next time you see her; you’d notice something else to intrigue you. She was intelligent and genuine in all her actions. Her smile and composed were very calming to whoever she spoke to. Jaden on the other hand, was nothing close to this. When put on a scale, she would tip the scale in her favour. It was like beauty and the beast, only that beast didn’t own a mansion in this case. But they individually had reasons to keep in contact.

By the time Jaden had confirmed what time he was to meet up with Kristen, there was a football game on. He was an ardent football fan and Kristen, though not a sports fan herself, was supportive of this. All the time he was watching the game, he still wasn’t sure inviting her was the best decision because his friends were nothing remotely close to what she was used to.

They were the complete opposite. Loud, lived life on the edge and always had something silly to say about someone. He wasn’t so worried as to what they’d say but how she would perceive it. Things were going on the football front so he was calming down as time wore on. His friend picked him up in the late evening and they headed to where Kristen was staying.

“Hey, I’m outside,” said Jaden as soon as he got to her place. “Already? Ok, I’ll be out shortly,” she replied. After what seemed like a mini eternity, she emerged. “I hope this is ok. And I won’t be making someone at the venue angry, will I? A lady perhaps?” Jaden as always, was underwhelming in his dressing with jeans, a sweater and sandals. She on the other hand, looked like a gem. A black dress that was slightly above her knee, stockings and to cap it off, a Barcelona jacket, just in case it got cold or the team won.

The drive to their destination wasn’t long and on arrival, Kristen was almost taking for the hills but she barely knew her bearings from there.  They made their way into the house after a quick round of introductions. Kristen and Jaden got comfortable in one part of the living room area and got lost in their own conversation. The two had a lot to say to each other but didn’t know how to express it. They would easily talk about anything, but barely scratched the surface about their feelings for each other.

Jaden was confused

“So, what are you thinking?” Asked Kristen. “About what exactly?” Responded Jaden. “You know what I mean. You’re a smart guy and don’t need me to spell everything out for you.” She said with a smile on her face. They had for long, harboured their feelings from each other because of the fear of the unknown. What of it didn’t work? What if they became too comfortable and started looking outside for happiness? It was a myriad of questions that had no definite answers.

“I don’t know. I…I…I think I just want to be with you and that’s it.” Jaden muttered. This was a topic none of them were prepared to talk about but they decided to. “You don’t have to though. I don’t want you to hate me. Sometimes when you get something you’ve wanted for so long, you lose interest in it. You can be with someone else, no pressure at all.” She amid chatters from Jaden’s friend’s outside the house.

“I’d rather take the risk I guess,” Jaden replied before she pulled him closer and plated a light kiss on his cheek. At this point he wasn’t sure of what to do. He simply held her tight and lingered in the moment thinking of what could be. “Go now. Your friends are probably waiting for you.” She whispered with her bright smile.

He hesitated for a few minutes and went out but was back on the couch with her shortly afterwards. It was as if any minute lost that could be spent with her would never be recovered. Technically that was true because her time in the country was limited and they had to make it count. It was very late into the night and with everybody still up, they cosied up on the couch waiting on one or the other to fall asleep.

“Ey, the room upstairs is ready. You guys can go sleep,” blurted out Viola as she gestured to her room. She was the host and would do the most to make us comfortable. They gathered everything they had, which was Kristen’s purse and phone. They got to the room and lay on the bed facing each other.

“I came here with answers and now I’m even more confused.” Said Kristen. Jaden ran his hands across her face and replied, “Emotion has no logic.”

Catching up

They say the best things in life are free, but so are the worst. I’ve been offline for a while and I’ve seen darker days but not being able to write because I wasn’t motivated was one of the hardest things for me. I love writing and it may not be the best or interesting but it’s one of the ways I self-regulate.

In this period I’ve gone through changes and not just physically. The biggest adjustment other than starting a new job (Yeah, I move around) is that I’m pregnant. I know, it was a roller coaster of emotions for me when I found out as well, but just like Mary and other virgins before us, I accept this great responsibility. Well, I’m not like pregnant pregnant, my stomach has just outgrown my body. I look like a broken condom, free on the upper part, tight on the lower end.

Starting a new job just like any other new experience had its ups and downs. When I joined the organization (It’s a professional place), I had this serious feel around me. I had carried my Samuel L. Jackson to this place. I only smiled when hot tea was served and burned someone’s tongue or got outside the gate. But all that has changed now and I’ve met some really nice fellows, some nicer than others of course. And I’m on a diet as well.

In this period I’ve also realized fear can be a good thing or a bad thing. In my case, it’s an almost bad thing. One of the hardest things in life is being unable to achieve anything because of the fear of what if? The whole world can believe in you but if you don’t, it doesn’t count for anything. It simply means you lost a fight you were refereeing.

I can comfortably write about this because on more than one occasion, I’ve missed out on something big because of fear. Not that I was afraid of my capabilities. The fear stemmed from the fear of rejection. Fear of failure. How do I get back from failing? Do I just forget that someone said no when in all honesty I was the best?

The answer is yes! You get back up and move on. You can’t be afraid to achieve because of an obstacle. If Eve didn’t put the fear of the unknown to the side and take a bite of that apple, you wouldn’t have all these great experiences. In an ideal world where Eve said no, like all girls should to free drinks from strangers at the club, we would all be happy an overpopulated the earth.

But whether you believe in religion or not, is not the discussion here. It is about living in the moment and appreciating every experience you have. The bad ones are not supposed to be looked at as lessons only. You’re free to sulk and be down because something went south. Emotion has no logical explanation and you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Enjoy the great moments. Don’t dwell to long on either of these situations though and forget to live. Your primary goal in life is to live. How you live it is up to you. Find something that you love to do, even if it’s a person and do that. Have you ever heard of the phrase life is too short? Well, it is very short. One minute you’re being given boobs for free, the next you need to convince someone why you’re the right person to show it to.

And that is life. An opportunity lost is not the end of things. I’d like to use people like Lincoln as examples but you don’t want to exercise power over people in the free world do you? You probably just want to sit back in some exotic location, spend time travelling, learning new things and creating memories. And that’s what you should do. We live too cautiously only to die. And for what? To enjoy retirement? I am guilty of working and forgetting the little pleasures in life. I still run out of money at the end or close to the end of the month and I have no stories to tell. That’s not how I should live.

I don’t want to regret. Think of what could’ve been. I want to ask a girl out on a date. Something out of the normal. Drink ourselves silly and uber home because I’m responsible and still don’t own a car. Life is an adventure and you are the Zach Galifianakis of it. Nobody has rehearsed for anything life has up it’s dirty, rugged sleeves. Feel free to try out new things and if they don’t work out, try something else.

Live without hating and spewing negative energy. You are not a dragon or a cat. Live and love. And it’s okay not to love as well, but hating people takes too much energy away from you. It’s however, allowed to hate the fact that Liverpool fans laugh at Arsenal, yet they don’t know how it feels like to see a Merseyside club lift the Premier League trophy. And kindly note, the current Premier League system started in 1992.

So as you welcome a new month and plan what you’re going to do next year at the same time, do something today as well. It won’t hurt. And get yourself something to drink.

 

The Code of Conduct

I’m sure in the short or semi-long life you’ve lived, a few codes of conduct have been thrown around. Perhaps even more important that the constitution might be Bro Code. This is an elaborate manual of how bros shall conduct themselves around each other. In case you have no idea, I outlined some here, you can always follow up.

I however, realized not everyone is a bro. So what happens when a bro who is not really a bro claims you have gone against the code? Do you suffer the consequences or do you get a pass? These are grey areas that need to be addressed and who better to set standards for communication that a keeper of codes?

A female can be a bro, after vetting

It has come to our attention that some bros from the fairer sex have been denied Bro status despite meeting all the set standards. Let’s make this clear, a bro is someone who comes through in tough times and what’s a harder time than a dry spell?

If a sister can deliver and lob you an Ozil-like pass in these treacherous times, she has more than qualified to be a bro. Some alleged bros feel their hunger pangs are supernatural and will never extend a favour even when in possession of a full platter.

A bro shall be of any sex as long as they come through.

A bro shall not depend on females for money

Let’s put it this way, if you were dead broke and there was nothing left in your chamber of coins, you shall die as a man. It is stated in the broble that a lady shall not give you money and forget. She will always remind you even when it has nothing to do with the money. Some alleged bros have also made it a habit to live off ladies, you are no longer bros.

The only exception when getting cash requisitions from the opposite sex is given to the following groups; your mother, sister and grandmother. Even if the lady is a bro, don’t do it. You never know when she might decide to turn back.

Bros still do not carry handbags

The bro code does not allow you to carry a handbag, even if it belongs to your mother. Handbags are made for ladies and it should remain as that. Even as Valentine’s Day approaches and you want to impress that lady that’s denied you access to her panties, this is not allowed. This is why equity is more important that equality.

There are always scenarios where you may have to carry this accessory. In the event that your mother or sister wants to give you money and the bag is a significant distance away, you can deliver it. If you’re with your girl in a dangerous area. You however, have to carry it in a plastic bag. In the event your significant other blacks out and in this case you need to admit her to a rehab centre.

Bros shall not lie about a conquest to intimidate bros

A new trend that has emerged is of bros earning script writing and editing skills without attending any professional institution. Some bros have made it a habit to always exaggerate conquests or imagine them for the less fortunate.

A bro that lies about a conquest shall not only be disbanded for a given period (depending on the severity). This act may push weaker or less lucky bros to depression and it would not be for a valid cause as stated in the broble.

A bro shall always pay their debt

Bros who do not pay debts may have to go back to the friend zone. A crop of bros has risen from the tribe of Judas that do not like paying debts. A bro is obligated to help a bro in the event of an emergency but only if the needy bro has a good track record of filing returns.

A bro that has a poor credit score shall always be met with the dreadful, “I’m not in a good place right now.” Make it your goal as a bro to always keep your word and other bros shall have no issue handing over their hard earned money.

 

 

The little things

It’s been a while since I got mind clear to write anything that wouldn’t sound weird but I realized I always write unorthodox things so why not. I’m still the same age I was on December 31st so I’m not really a year older yet but I wish you all the best in 2017. In the time I’ve been away from my blog a lot has happened.

So I went on holiday and I came back with a few stories. First is the saying, you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone. My cousin happens to be a doctor and when we’re bored, I like listening to random stories about his patients. So, one evening we’re talking and cancer comes up and he started giggling. Not, the school girl giggle, the grown man one where you let out chuckles. It was manly, trust me.

After inquiring he goes on to tell me about the story of a guy who passed away from penile cancer. It sounds very cruel, but give it time, it takes a completely different turn of events. Well, the story goes like this. A guy is brought to the hospital with advanced penile cancer and the only option is to dismember his most loyal member.

The guys went through all the pep talk of why he needed to do it if he was to enjoy more days on this our barren earth. After weighing the pros and cons, it occurred to him there was more to life than a boner. I mean, you can still feel that tiny throb even if the key instrument is missing. So he went ahead with the surgery.

Guess what? He survived and was in his room recovering when the anesthesia wore off. As a man, you’re taught to face your fears and he most certainly did. He lifted his cover, took a peek and remembered how his wife liked being on all fours even when not cleaning the house. He let out a loud yelp and collapsed on his bed.

What would you do if you woke up and found your manhood missing?

And just like that, Wuon Ng’ane was no more. I burst out laughing as well but I sort of got where he was coming from. Picture a scenario where he asks his wife for something and she replies with a, “No wonder you don’t have a penis.” That can take the last breath from any man, even the former ones. No offence Caitlyn.

I also managed to face one of my fears over Christmas. Well, I didn’t necessarily face it willingly, but I still did. Anyone that knows me, will tell you large water bodies and I do not appear in the same sentence. So last year, my cousin invited us to her place since she was opening a new house, which was just beautiful. I mean, it had a bar inside and yeah, it had a bar with the stools and everything. That’s all you need to make a house attractive scientifically.

The distance between her home and ours is about 230km so we had a journey on our hands. The logical thing would have been to follow the set road and get to our destination. But no, my uncle had this random idea that we should use the ferry because it took less time and would have been scenic.

On the way there, the old man decides we can’t get to our destination early so we made a detour to this resort on Rusinga Island. It’s set on a picturesque slope that runs down to the lake. The cottages are the simplest things you’ll come across and you could tell a lot of thought was put into building them.

One of the cottages at Wayando Beach Eco Lodge

The owner is an American lady who was married to a guy from the area and she decided to relocate there even after her partner’s passing. It made me think, would I have done the same? Moved to Los Angeles and start a business there? Since you’ve insisted, I think I would.

Time came for us to get to the other side of the lake and I was not enthusiastic at all. One, the company in-charge of the ferries had the most incompetent employees and did I mention I don’t like large water bodies? You have to reverse your car into the ferry, sounds easy but not when a random old guy has puppies stuffed in a carton box and doesn’t want to move.

This was the moment of truth

As a driver, I was at liberty to stay in the vessel and I gladly chose to do that. I didn’t like it one bit. It took a whole 45 minutes and I couldn’t see where I was going. At one point it was just the wind, hyacinth and the lady in the next car checking me out until she fell asleep and started snoring.  We did get to the other side unscathed but I chose to use the longer route on the way back.

What happens when this thing runs out of fuel here?

I spent twelve days in the village and I came to appreciate a few things. Family is one. They may annoy you and get on your nerves at times but some of the best memories I have are with family. Like my grandmother telling me drinking whisky will “Mak ii ka chieth!” loosely translating to it will churn my stomach like shit.

It’s another year and I honestly have no resolutions. I treat each day exclusively. I will rate my achievements gradually. You need to appreciate the smaller things in life (Like your penis) in order to get the bigger picture. So far, it’s not been a bad year, except for the doctor’s strike which is a tricky subject depending on what side of the paycheck you’re seated.

I also got a message from a lovely lady that told me she likes my writing. She may have been paid by my mother for all I know but it was still a good thing. Get checked for cancer early enough and keep it 87+3 whenever you can, because keeping 100 is too mainstream.

Such is Life

Freedom works best for the free,

And the free and not necessarily free,

We are bound by promises,

Shackled by lies and deceit,

But such is life.


At times freedom is painful,

You have to let go,

Give another life,

At your own expense,

But such is life.


Do not cry for me,

For I will not do the same,

Trust is not always rewarded with loyalty,

Sometimes, it begets betrayal,

But such is life.


Live well and do good,

Expect nothing in return,

Be welcoming but be cautious,

Those you sleep with can stab you,

Because such is life.

Convenience is all about perspective

“I take you, to be my lawfully wedded wife. In sickness and in health, in riches and in poverty, till death do us part.” I’m not sure that’s how the vows go but it’s along that line. I’ve not been to many weddings in my life. Partly because the people I know barely get married and the ones that do, share their wedding invitations when I have other commitments, like learning how to swim or have a dance-off with my god daughter.

I’m not big on Western weddings for a number of reasons, the major one being the cost implication against posterity. However, that’s not an issue I want to discuss because I may end up ruining my chances of being invited for future weddings. My issue is with the vows and understanding your roles. Do you understand the implication of the words you utter or is it just a phase to you?

The divorce rate in Kenya isn’t as high as Western countries because of the mere fact that court processes drag on for years and most people don’t have the finances to see their cases through; so they end up separating amicably. The number of separated homes in Kenya is soaring by the day from generations born in the 60s and earlier to those born in the 80s. The sad thing is that most of these people recited those vows.

This year alone I’ve seen videos of domestic abuse on Facebook more than enough times. One time is enough and I’ve seen those videos more than once. I’ve learnt something from interacting with people older than me and that is called, separation of issues. I’m not a Psychology major and having done one or two units in the said field doesn’t make me an expert in analyzing behaviours and all that Dexter stuff.

I however, know plenty about human interaction from experience. Have you ever wondered what goes through a persons mind when they take up a knife or rod and attack someone they vowed to love through thick and thin? Does it happen overnight? Is there any form of justification? Isn’t there an easier way out of the situation than violence? What led love to this?

I rarely involve myself in marital or intimate relationship discussion. This is because my uncle once told me, “Two people that sleep together know how to sort their issues out. If you get involved, you’ll be the only loser in the end.” At first, I never took his words seriously but as years go by, I can clearly see his words coming to pass. I’m not a violent person and always believe there’s always a multitude of options before violence.

Why are domestic cases a common scenario? What are communities, societies and relevant authorities doing about it? Is it time for stern action to be considered? I’ve seen a number of videos and there’s one thing I cannot fail to mention; double standards. A video of a man being beaten by a group of women using wooden rods was doing rounds on the internet. Going through the comment section made me question humanity.

For decades now, people have been fighting for affirmative action. Different groups have been clamouring for equality among both sexes in various aspects. That is until you see how issues among both sexes are treated. When the video of the man was doing rounds, most of the comments were, “He deserves it for cheating on the girl.” “What kind of man is this?” “These are the type of men we have today!” Nobody stopped for a minute to think these are the type of men society has brought up and continues to bring up.

If the same video was of a group of men hitting a woman for cheating on the husband, the reaction would have been totally different. “Why can’t he just leave?” “What kind of men gang up on a woman?” “Men are animals?” Why the double standards? Are we not fighting for equality? Or does equality only come into play when it’s about education and money? I don’t support violence of any kind unless it’s your profession.

This is the kind of frustration that makes its way into marriage. You look at yourself as the provider and want to run your family like an absolute monarch. You presume you have dominion over whoever has the lower pay. When did it get to this? Is respect all about who brings more to the table? Shouldn’t equity be what is being preached? Equity is giving your daughter who is 3 years older than your son more pocket money because her needs tend to be more demanding. Equality is giving them the same amount because they are both your children.

You see where I’m going with this? Marriage as an institution is losing its value because it’s no longer about equity but equality. My wife is close with her male boss so I’ll cheat on her with her friend. What gives? It’s not always about give and take. Sometimes you give expecting nothing in return. When you say till death do us part, does it mean you go through suffering, abuse and torment to your death? Or are you just saying it because it’s a norm?

How many times will you take a cheating partner back for the sake of your kids? How many times will you wear make-up to conceal the black eye you always have on Monday mornings? How many times will you avoid going for swimming with your friends because your back looks like a skid mark? These are the type of questions marriage vows never tackle. A donkey breaks its back at one point and what good is a donkey if it can’t work?

The sad truth is that conformity has blinded us to what is really true in our lives. We want to do because that’s the way it’s always been done. That doesn’t necessarily make it right. I cannot say today’s men are weak compared to their fathers because that is what society has taught them. I can also not say today’s women are not humble like their mothers because they’ve been exposed to different standards and world views. When you say you’re independent, do you understand the gravity of the word you’re using?

I have no children yet and do not foresee any in the near future. However, if and when I have my own, I will teach them about equity. I want them to know they are not and will never be equal. I want to teach them about justice and make them understand that they should not conform for the sake of fitting in. I want to teach them about diversity and make them understand we all have different roles to play and none should be looked down upon.

You’re not any less of a woman because you are able to balance your career and family. You’re not any less of a man either because your wife earns more than you do or you pull your weight behind her in the household. Society has fought so hard to get rid of stereotypes only to impute others. Just like every relationship is different, so is marriage. Find a partner that improves you and make vows you know you can keep. Marriage is a partnership that only works when both parties put in collective effort.

You may find yourself floating against the tide when you stand up for what you believe in but if you’re the same person that says, “I’m not doing this for anyone,” you won’t mind being different but comfortable in your truth. People will ask you to be unique but expect you to do what has always been done. Approach your relationships and marriage like an essay. No two essays can be the same even if they have the same ending or beginning. Be the difference in your life. Say no to discrimination and gender based violence. Pain knows no sex.

I may just have found Chivalry!

There’s this one time I was walking from the shop late at night. It must have been Friday in another galaxy because the stars were lit. I was with my trusted feline, Chivs, full   name, Chivalry. She would always accompany me to the shop just in case another feline would try to convince me to take her home like she did. This night we didn’t meet a feline, we met a dog and I wasn’t about to fight my own species. So I took off and Chivalry stayed back to fight for us but never made it home. I rushed into the house and let out a scream, “Chivalry is dead!”

So, I have a friend. A true friend, not a Facebook friend, Jay, who has his own blog and he did a piece on chivalry. I read it and in my head I was thinking is chivalry really dead or was it bottled and presented to us as Chivas Regal? These are the questions Einstein asked himself on his way to becoming one of the most respected mathematicians if not the most respected. In my home, I am a respected Mathematician. All the bills have to pass through me and I do the calculations mentally. Yes, I am that talented ladies, now what was your number again?

Is chivalry dead? I don’t know but what I do know is Chivas does taste like someone is holding the door for you without the intention of taking you to bed; immediately. Chivalry is one of those few words that are misused and inappropriately used by different parties. What is chivalry? Is it holding the door for a lady? Pulling out a seat for her at dinner? I’ll share the basic definition of chivalry with you. Chivalry is the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.

From the above definition, the only part of the definition people seem to notice is the courtesy bit. How should you treat a lady? Is opening doors and other mundane gestures as a show of chivalry? And does everybody deserve a piece of your chivalry? Honestly, no. Not everyone deserves such treatment. You know the way religion morphed to adapt to the changing times, that’s how chivalry has morphed. Who deserves this royal treatment?

To be sexually correct, I’ll not restrict chivalry to gestures towards ladies only, even Steve wants a piece of chivalry from someone out there. Chivalry is all about respect and it varies with different people. The environment you’re exposed heavily influences how you treat other people, including the ones you intend to bed. What does me opening the door for you symbolize? To some it’s a show of affection and emotion. To others, it’s a sign of weakness as a man. In the hood it’s literally translated as kukaliwa, being sat on.

What does it mean to me? If you do it after sleeping with the recipient of the act of chivalry over a period of time; it’s affection. I’m speaking from the perspective of an observer, participant and judge, just like the Ugandan government during elections. All these terms are relative and you can’t really pin one action and expect it to cut across the board. Your gentleman isn’t necessarily your sister’s gentleman; though I have seen some twins do that. Shout out to all twins sharing a man out there. You are the true MVPS.

I’m I chivalrous? If you base your definition on doors, I most definitely am. I’ve made girls breakfast, and I don’t eat breakfast. I pour their drinks in their glasses and even say hi when I meet them in the streets. Chivalry is relative. However you choose to look at it, we all have our versions of chivalry. Some girls like lions for males. These are the guys that only do the basic stuff. Change bulbs and bring food to the table; the hardworking type.

Some ladies like hyenas. These are the kind of guys that open doors and do all that romantic stuff according to the book. I’m not basing my choice of animals on their eating habits but rather social structure in the species hierarchy. Others simply like weaver birds. This is the group of men who like being followed around, or ladies, depending on whether you’re a frankfurter or fish kind of person.

It all comes down to preference. What does the person these gestures are intended for prefer? And being the 21st century where everyone is clamouring for equality, should chivalry be reciprocated? If you ask me, no. I don’t need a lady opening doors for me and pouring my drink (Wherever). Maybe you do, it’s all about how in touch you are with your feminine side.

I’m a semi-traditional guy. I’m not fully modern in other words. I like doing some things my dad would frown upon but there are things I do and the old heads use me as a reference in, “How to be the McCoy” classes with their sons. The thing about chivalry is that it takes exposure to know what to do and when to do it.

What I can tell you about all these variations of chivalry is that the end goal is the same. They want to see what that mouth do and know when those pants come off. Chivalry is essentially beating around the bush in a structural way. Instead of feeding on the fish before feeding the fish, you show the fish how it’ll be feeding around you. Yes, even your boyfriend or girlfriend (all butches out there) wants a piece of that ass.

Show me some skin
Show me some skin

So does chivalry really exist? Or is chivalry just a means to an end? Valentines is coming up in a few days and you’re either single or hooked to someone. I’m going to be candid about Valentines. If anyone started texting you late last week and is nice, feign a busy schedule until the 15th. This is the month chivalry will be misused with guys carrying red roses all over the street and girls trying to squeeze into red dresses probably meant for their teenage daughters.

Chivalry is a code of conduct and has no season. It’s something you show to anyone deserving of it and should be part of your life. You can’t go around saying chivalry is alive or dead when you barely know its definition. Also, if you see me holding any door for a well dressed lady any time between now and the 15th, that’s not my mum so don’t say anything about us looking alike.

Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the hood definition of chivalry and the people resurrecting and killing it every other time. Being a gentleman is about treating whoever you’re treating with respect and that’s what chivalry is about. You might be the only one he opens doors for but not the only one opening random things for him. Treat that person in a way that makes them appreciate everything about themselves. Leave the door business to doormen and do things that actually make sense. Also, I’m free to book for dates ladies. I will even throw in a literature piece of the date. Just make sure it’s within Nairobi and you’re at least 800 words interesting. I’ll fill up the rest.

You need to be swept off your feet?
You need to be swept off your feet?

You’ve probably fallen in love at some point in your life or had a feeling that felt something close to love. It’s normal even if you don’t admit it. I have felt this way about someone or two before in my life before and I have never kept it a secret that if I fall in love I’m the break a leg a kind. I enjoy every moment of it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not an expert when it comes to love or intimate relationships but I know plenty about how humans relate. All this is purely from  observation and socialization.

The question is can I love more than one person at one time? Even in love there are things you don’t like about the person you love. If I can have more than one kid and love them equally, what makes it so different when it comes to an adult? Don’t run away beautiful girl, these are all hypothetical questions and I’m not assured of finding two females that I can love.

Every individual is unique in their own right. Even identical twins have very distinct behaviours and tendencies. For the people that watch football, you know there’s a reason you may be a Manchester United fanatic but still appreciate the way Arsenal goes about their football. I actually do appreciate the way Arsenal has been playing this season.

So when I meet you at the club and I say hi, I still don’t know you. There are four different scenarios that may take place. One, I may convince you or you may want to go home with me. I prefer taking you home because at your place there are all types of shenanigans that may go down. Your sponsor may walk in even before I bust my morning nut and I’d have to hide with your malnourished puppy under the bed. I may also meet a girl I know there, or better yet, an aunt. There are too many risks involved.

Two, I may take you number and we’ll get to know each over days or weeks depending on how much you can keep a conversation going. And yes, a guy can sleep with you and the first night and not call you ever or even take your number. He can also fall in love. It’s not a Science that has a theory behind it.  Three I may take you number and lose interest within the first week. It’s never personal, you’ve seen things that caught your attention but you forgot as soon as you walked out the store.

Lastly, I can take your number and never use it. Those are the random calls you get after 4 months and a guy is trying to remind you of the time you were in a dress that used to fit you. Why I’m I telling you about these scenarios? Well, I still don’t know but I thought I’d forget so this was one of the only ways to document them.

I like girls for different reasons. Some girls have billboard faces and that’s what appeals to me at that time. Other girls have artistic bodies and I’m a sucker for curves, hopefully it’s not around your abdomen or face. Some girls are very intelligent and you can engage them on a variety of topics without losing interest at any given point. Some girls were raised in amusement parks and can do things you see on pornhub only. At times, they come with a combination of these skills.

As a human with a very timid level of concentration, I adopt to the conditions I find myself in. Do I intend to hurt these girls? Of course not. I’m a decent guy who drinks out of a glass and pee on all the stains in the toilet. I’m not very sure of the physiological or psychological composition of the human so I can’t say men were wired that way. I’ve met girls who have sex with men for fun and I know most men can separate their emotions from sex so it gets a bit tricky.

The problem arises when you use emotion to get sex. Flattery and flirting isn’t emotion ladies. I’m talking about the guys who promise ladies their parents will be receiving a flock of cattle and birds by the end of the year. Now that is wrong. There are two things you do when you use such techniques to get a girl to bed. You distort her stand on men and that can work in two ways. She’ll despise men or will throw herself at the next guy and thereafter to fill the void you left.

When you use emotion to get sex, you not only mess the girl up, you mess up for people like us who haven’t settled yet. I don’t want to fix your mistakes son. These are the kind of girls that want to check up on everything I’m doing and accompany everywhere just because they don’t trust men to walk alone. The way dogs are treated nowadays. What happened to dogs having the freedom to associate and bite whoever they pleased? I don’t want to be on a leash. That’s what you do boy when you tell her you love her just to get in her pants.

Again, ladies, when you say men are dogs; that’s a compliment to some of us because dogs are known to be very loyal. And DMX made calling your homies dogs very cool. He even barks in his songs and has a signature growl. Do you girls love dogs? I’ve always advocated for separation of issues. What one guy or lady does to you is not a representation of an entire species. We aren’t in a cult, so unless you’re dating someone in a cult; then don’t expect the same treatment from people who aren’t in your cult.

Whatever attracts you to one person or more, depending on the size of your heart, is custom tailored. Have you heard that you should never try solving a problem between two lovers? You’ll end up taking one party’s side and when things work out, you’ll be the asshole that almost messed up a good thing. Keep out and let the courts or people who were involved in the marriage negotiations sort it out.

I may just have given you life’s hack to relationships and I haven’t even been able to sustain a stable internet connection for an hour straight. Something about prophets not being accepted at home. In other news, I got Netflix. So, I’m not really a screen freak and prefer to look at people in the face than watch movies or series. It’s a good thing though. I finally watched the full Hangover movie, the first one. I missed the part where Tyson punched Zach Galifianakis. Don’t get it if you haven’t got a girlfriend yet though, because you’ll end up chilling for a decade and wake up old, grey and stuck to your sheets because you had nobody to chill with.

 

Where’s your daddy?

So the other day I was taking a stroll in the hood and I met this kid. She wasn’t your normal hood kid. No, she didn’t have boogers hanging from her nose or drool from last night’s messy dream tracing her cheek. No, she was clean. She didn’t even have ashy legs or dusty hair. I was very surprised. This was a marvel of nature and if I had a decent phone, I would have recorded her and shot a whole documentary based on her hygiene.

I never talk to kids for a few obvious reasons. The main reason being I have no games on my phone and even if I did I wouldn’t want a kid messing with my high scores and all. The other reason is that kids ask dumb questions and sometimes those questions are genuine. My nephew once asked me, “Uncle, A is for Apple, why is G for S?” My world shuttered, I could hear the song of my people playing and my ancestors laughing in the background. The wind stopped blowing and my flawless hair was no longer worthy of the coastal breeze. I still haven’t found an answer.

So yeah, I decided to face my fears and confront this wonder. So I took a deep breathe, then another one and another one. I still had the previous day’s stale beer on parade despite all my desperate efforts to brush my teeth. “Hi, there missus!” I had this bright smile on my face and hoped she’d reciprocate but she just looked at me once and waved with her brows. Her goddamn brows! Who waves at an adult with brows? The nerve.

Sure, I had nappy hair, shorts on and one of my body arts was showing but I still deserved some respect as a senior member of the pathway. You see, that’s the problem with light skin people; they never know how to show love to dark skins even at a tender age. I was infuriated and at one point in between the five second wave, I might have mentioned that her hair wasn’t real. I still believe it wasn’t real so I never bothered to apologize.

I swallowed my pride and picked up my ego piece by piece though some found their way onto the road never to be found again. I decided to be the bigger man in this race war and politely asked, “Where’s your daddy?” That’s when I knew I’d hit a nerve. She suddenly became all nice and pointed to some dark guy in the salon seated with a fairly hot lady. She was like tea a 10 year old would take. Hot, but not hot enough to burn you.

So yeah, that wasn’t the sperm donor. I just went and told the dad his kid can be hit by car with a cheeky grin on my face. I also saw Stella, you know yourself Stella, with a really beautiful kid that looked just like her only a few filters lighter and she never divulged whether the kid was hers or not. I’ve taken it upon myself to address this issue or story, depending on what end of the photochroma you are.

In the past two years I’ve seen the number of light skin kids on the rise but I’m not really seeing the source. It may be nothing and it may be something, I’m just speculating here. I haven’t made up any theories as to why our pigment-deficient brothers are trying to bring an end to the rise of melanin rich children.

Well, there’s a misconception that foreigners (Nigerians and Congolese men aren’t foreigners m’aam, sit your behind down) are economically endowed. Take this scenario. I like Psys Bar, at least I did until recently and spend an average of Ksh. 2500 every time I go out ( I drink beer and I have no girlfriend or boyfriend just in case you had other ideas). If I was to spend the same amount in Migori, I would be balling out of control. I’d have the Governor’s wife signing bills from my lap.

The same applies to foreigners. If that guy saves $100 every month and comes to Kenya for a week at the end of the year, you definitely are going to feel that bill. Why IPSOS hasn’t done this research should be a cause for research. This would be a great topic for social research (You’re welcome research student).

I haven’t impregnated any girl yet, accidentally or intentionally. However, whether you were trapped which is still baffling to me or had a contraceptive one size too small or ejaculated with the force of 1000 men, you need to take responsibility for your kid. And before you start defending yourself, remember what the three wise men in the bible said, “If the shoe fits, you still have to buy it because it may not be yours.”

I had the privilege of knowing both my parents and I can’t take that for granted. Moms have different reasons for not introducing their kids to the dads. Some men refused to take responsibility, others are fathers elsewhere, others aren’t supposed to be fathers but father kids in secrecy and some reasons are just selfish but there’s always a reason. Is it something right to do? I don’t know, may be the kid will turn out just fine or he or she may be a mess.

There’s a theory that was developed by a wise man, Theeone Potter called the Theory of Separation. The theory states that, Every action is relative to its environment and thus should be treated exclusively. Every kid as false as this might sound needs a father figure in their life. Your brother might be cool and have a beard but at one point, a kid needs to know who the father is. And don’t impute things in their mind. If your kid wants to forgive the father, let them and if not, that’s up to them.

I’ve had many discussions with different people and I notice that some adults still have the same notions their parents passed on to them. Kids who grew up without knowing their fathers, ladies especially, tend to either be very distrustful of men or try to hard to get a man in their life. Again, this is from my own personal experience and I did mention something about separation of issues.

This is not the 20th Century where kids had questions but only parents had the right of response and determined what questions would be asked. Let your kid know who the father is and they’ll make the decision of whether the father needs to be in their life or not. You let them google whatever they want and ask them what they want to eat for dinner so that shouldn’t be a tall order for you.

I won’t go around asking random kids where their fathers are but I think it’s imperative that all mothers make a point to introduce their kids to their fathers. If the guy denies, well and good but at least the kid will know first hand that their dad is fecal-filled butthole. And to all the moms raising kids on their own, you deserve a medal. Every dad who’s taken responsibility for their seed, kudos, keep up the good work. And to you beautiful girl reading this and thinking this might be the father to my fertile eggs, I accept the challenge.

What ever happened to Fridays?

When was the last time you attended a house party? Not a family gathering or a one month old kid’s birthday party. A proper house party with ratchets and a little bit of chaos. A house party isn’t a house party if someone doesn’t throw up, a fight breaks out or someone or some couple randomly starts crying. The crying bit I’m yet to understand. How is a party related to sorrow?

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I haven’t been to a house party in years and I’ve started a petition to reintroduce house parties. You shall find the form attached on my next post. The few among us that have no diapers to buy, still want to get wasted and paint the town or rather house with semi-solid edibles. Just like the old days when Jesus turned water into wine because the party don’t stop till the sun come up.

I’ve mentioned a few parties I used to attend in uni and unfortunately this memory stems from the same basic friends that I had. They weren’t bad. They just didn’t know how to throw parties. I can’t recall one good house party they threw. Not a single one. The best one ended up in more than five guys looking at each other in the wee hours of the morning because a scorned girlfriend had taken all the girls with her; even the ones she met there.

So the party started like all other parties would start; with a text. “There’s a party. Bring the booze, we have the bitches.” I was young, hot, pretty skinny and looking to skin another human being. Such kind of texts got me over the roof and I spread the word to my trusted crew. I’ve never been a fashionista so dressing up was never part of the plan as long as I had fresh breath and a pack of condoms. I always though rough rider was legit until I met a girl whose ride didn’t last long enough and I had to be dropped along the way.

We met up and being the cool people we were, decided to buy a slightly respectable beverage. It was quite cheap but very few people knew of its existence and I had no money. After various lobbying conferences and secret caucuses, we bought another fairly priced bottle and set off to conquer the world with less than $10 between us. Nothing was impossible in the face of fairly shaven female crotches and a slight whiff of perspiration stemming from walking to the party.

The school was in a remote area but I had spent quite some time in the area and knew my way around. All the way to the venue we were just praying things wouldn’t follow the same path they usually did. Disaster. You remember that time traders were having a party at the temple and out of nowhere Jesus comes in, pissed as a bull in a Spanish street and whips people around? That’s how I usually reacted to these whack parties. Only difference is that I get invited. I had no whip but I’d make sure nobody enjoyed the evening. Even if it meant calling the cops on the parade.

So we got to the party, hungry and all. We were met by loud music, hanging bosoms and slightly ashy butt fissures. At his point, my face lit up. This is why they forgot to put an extra O on Monday. I was lit. I was walking up the stairs faster than you could say, “Donald Trump sounds more like Donald Tramp.” It actually does sound the same, doesn’t it? I was in the zone. My name was being called from every direction. I knew this was the party I would meet my next blog article.

I realized my name was being called from every direction because I was on the wrong floor, knocking on a random family’s door. I went back to the right floor and yes, the party was partying. Not in a good way. We didn’t know the host but knew a co-host who wasn’t really a co-host because he knew another co-host that was a co-host at another party. We got to the door and the bouncer, who I presume was the host, asked for our drink before we made our way into the party. I was at the front and pushed his hand aside and walked in. To my surprise, the ashy butt and hanging bosom, were ploys to attract us. We had been duped.

I backed out so fast I forgot ashy butt’s waist was wrapped out my arm. I’m too sleek for myself. Now there was a problem. We didn’t want to share our drink because there were no females as promised except for the chained dog that didn’t even bark when I said she wasn’t a bad bitch. Dog just lost valuable points there for chickening out. Ashy butt was with us now because she saw we still had fresh bottles and looked equally fresh, draped in cheap clothes.

The host started cussing us out and we just stood there, bottles now open, staring at ashy butt and looking for a way out. Out of nowhere, Max steps in and calls out the host. Max is our co-host. The guy that knew the guy that heard about the party from the invited guy. It was all calm at the beginning and we knew he had it all under control until he let out a yelp. Not those loud ones, the kind a puppy makes when you startle it. Brief yet definitive.

We were ready to square off
We were ready to square off

We knew it was about to go down. Before we could roll our sleeves and dish out capital punishment, Max started crying. He wasn’t folded up or being roughed up. No, Max was crying roughing up the host. In all this confusion, ashy butt had escaped and we couldn’t trace her. Things were getting even weirder by the minute. Lazarus disappearing from his tomb was straight up David Blaine but this was undocumented. The host started weeping and he and Max were comforting each other.

I’m still confused as to why any of them cried but I had seen enough and decided to pull the plug. The hookah pot they were using belonged to a friend and I decided to confiscate it.  Ok, this was after we ran out of charcoal and even tried chopping wood from someone’s fence. I rushed down the stairs and signaled my friends to follow suit. We were bringing an end to this party. We dashed into the darkness with the hookah in tow.

I cry for Argentina. Or my friends. Or anyone
I cry for Argentina. Or my friends. Or anyone

Why we carried the hookah is still beyond either of us. We finally got to the crying bandit’s house and pulled out some charcoal. One of our friend’s girlfriend was there and ashy butt as well. Come to think of it, ashy butt was probably the most loyal stranger I’d met. She ditched her own birthday party for us. I’m sure it wasn’t because we were cool because we weren’t.

We set up the hookah and started smoking one of the most vile carbon products I have ever inhaled in my life. I could feel all the exhaust mufflers cheering me on. But why did ashy butt follow us anyway? I had no money and neither did my friends. I did smell good though. I had one of those free Bvlgari colognes and ladies love a man who knows the value of free things.

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Anyway, we smoked to our feel and ashy butt had no option but to spend the night. The surprising thing is that she looked extra shiny in the morning bar the butt fissure. My condoms were still fresh, ready to protect me through another rough week. I gathered everyone to the living room and made a declaration that I would never attend a party someone I went to school with had organized.

I kept my word. For four days I did not answer to any call for a party. On Friday morning, I got a call from another friend. There was a party. In such situations I always referred to the bible and asked myself, what would Jesus do? I forgave my friends and as soon as my class was over, I bathed in cologne (still Bvlgari) and headed out for a party. This time it was definitely going to be different.