Tag Archives: Fun

Catching up

They say the best things in life are free, but so are the worst. I’ve been offline for a while and I’ve seen darker days but not being able to write because I wasn’t motivated was one of the hardest things for me. I love writing and it may not be the best or interesting but it’s one of the ways I self-regulate.

In this period I’ve gone through changes and not just physically. The biggest adjustment other than starting a new job (Yeah, I move around) is that I’m pregnant. I know, it was a roller coaster of emotions for me when I found out as well, but just like Mary and other virgins before us, I accept this great responsibility. Well, I’m not like pregnant pregnant, my stomach has just outgrown my body. I look like a broken condom, free on the upper part, tight on the lower end.

Starting a new job just like any other new experience had its ups and downs. When I joined the organization (It’s a professional place), I had this serious feel around me. I had carried my Samuel L. Jackson to this place. I only smiled when hot tea was served and burned someone’s tongue or got outside the gate. But all that has changed now and I’ve met some really nice fellows, some nicer than others of course. And I’m on a diet as well.

In this period I’ve also realized fear can be a good thing or a bad thing. In my case, it’s an almost bad thing. One of the hardest things in life is being unable to achieve anything because of the fear of what if? The whole world can believe in you but if you don’t, it doesn’t count for anything. It simply means you lost a fight you were refereeing.

I can comfortably write about this because on more than one occasion, I’ve missed out on something big because of fear. Not that I was afraid of my capabilities. The fear stemmed from the fear of rejection. Fear of failure. How do I get back from failing? Do I just forget that someone said no when in all honesty I was the best?

The answer is yes! You get back up and move on. You can’t be afraid to achieve because of an obstacle. If Eve didn’t put the fear of the unknown to the side and take a bite of that apple, you wouldn’t have all these great experiences. In an ideal world where Eve said no, like all girls should to free drinks from strangers at the club, we would all be happy an overpopulated the earth.

But whether you believe in religion or not, is not the discussion here. It is about living in the moment and appreciating every experience you have. The bad ones are not supposed to be looked at as lessons only. You’re free to sulk and be down because something went south. Emotion has no logical explanation and you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Enjoy the great moments. Don’t dwell to long on either of these situations though and forget to live. Your primary goal in life is to live. How you live it is up to you. Find something that you love to do, even if it’s a person and do that. Have you ever heard of the phrase life is too short? Well, it is very short. One minute you’re being given boobs for free, the next you need to convince someone why you’re the right person to show it to.

And that is life. An opportunity lost is not the end of things. I’d like to use people like Lincoln as examples but you don’t want to exercise power over people in the free world do you? You probably just want to sit back in some exotic location, spend time travelling, learning new things and creating memories. And that’s what you should do. We live too cautiously only to die. And for what? To enjoy retirement? I am guilty of working and forgetting the little pleasures in life. I still run out of money at the end or close to the end of the month and I have no stories to tell. That’s not how I should live.

I don’t want to regret. Think of what could’ve been. I want to ask a girl out on a date. Something out of the normal. Drink ourselves silly and uber home because I’m responsible and still don’t own a car. Life is an adventure and you are the Zach Galifianakis of it. Nobody has rehearsed for anything life has up it’s dirty, rugged sleeves. Feel free to try out new things and if they don’t work out, try something else.

Live without hating and spewing negative energy. You are not a dragon or a cat. Live and love. And it’s okay not to love as well, but hating people takes too much energy away from you. It’s however, allowed to hate the fact that Liverpool fans laugh at Arsenal, yet they don’t know how it feels like to see a Merseyside club lift the Premier League trophy. And kindly note, the current Premier League system started in 1992.

So as you welcome a new month and plan what you’re going to do next year at the same time, do something today as well. It won’t hurt. And get yourself something to drink.

 

The Code of Conduct

I’m sure in the short or semi-long life you’ve lived, a few codes of conduct have been thrown around. Perhaps even more important that the constitution might be Bro Code. This is an elaborate manual of how bros shall conduct themselves around each other. In case you have no idea, I outlined some here, you can always follow up.

I however, realized not everyone is a bro. So what happens when a bro who is not really a bro claims you have gone against the code? Do you suffer the consequences or do you get a pass? These are grey areas that need to be addressed and who better to set standards for communication that a keeper of codes?

A female can be a bro, after vetting

It has come to our attention that some bros from the fairer sex have been denied Bro status despite meeting all the set standards. Let’s make this clear, a bro is someone who comes through in tough times and what’s a harder time than a dry spell?

If a sister can deliver and lob you an Ozil-like pass in these treacherous times, she has more than qualified to be a bro. Some alleged bros feel their hunger pangs are supernatural and will never extend a favour even when in possession of a full platter.

A bro shall be of any sex as long as they come through.

A bro shall not depend on females for money

Let’s put it this way, if you were dead broke and there was nothing left in your chamber of coins, you shall die as a man. It is stated in the broble that a lady shall not give you money and forget. She will always remind you even when it has nothing to do with the money. Some alleged bros have also made it a habit to live off ladies, you are no longer bros.

The only exception when getting cash requisitions from the opposite sex is given to the following groups; your mother, sister and grandmother. Even if the lady is a bro, don’t do it. You never know when she might decide to turn back.

Bros still do not carry handbags

The bro code does not allow you to carry a handbag, even if it belongs to your mother. Handbags are made for ladies and it should remain as that. Even as Valentine’s Day approaches and you want to impress that lady that’s denied you access to her panties, this is not allowed. This is why equity is more important that equality.

There are always scenarios where you may have to carry this accessory. In the event that your mother or sister wants to give you money and the bag is a significant distance away, you can deliver it. If you’re with your girl in a dangerous area. You however, have to carry it in a plastic bag. In the event your significant other blacks out and in this case you need to admit her to a rehab centre.

Bros shall not lie about a conquest to intimidate bros

A new trend that has emerged is of bros earning script writing and editing skills without attending any professional institution. Some bros have made it a habit to always exaggerate conquests or imagine them for the less fortunate.

A bro that lies about a conquest shall not only be disbanded for a given period (depending on the severity). This act may push weaker or less lucky bros to depression and it would not be for a valid cause as stated in the broble.

A bro shall always pay their debt

Bros who do not pay debts may have to go back to the friend zone. A crop of bros has risen from the tribe of Judas that do not like paying debts. A bro is obligated to help a bro in the event of an emergency but only if the needy bro has a good track record of filing returns.

A bro that has a poor credit score shall always be met with the dreadful, “I’m not in a good place right now.” Make it your goal as a bro to always keep your word and other bros shall have no issue handing over their hard earned money.

 

 

I woke up like this! Thoughtful

Today is just one of those days I had to sit myself down and write myself a letter. I’m I the only person who has intra conversations? Ask yourself questions and beat yourself up because you know you could have done better? Well, I’m at that point in my life and I have nobody to talk to so I share with myself. Sounds crazy, right? I guess every market needs its mad man for entertainment.

I’m getting my life on track and I really can’t say I’ve fallen off because I had no goal to start with. My benchmark is my previous achievements. Does that limit my ambition or does it make me realistic? I’m at the age where my friends are fathering kids, giving birth or posting photos on holidays. I can’t say it doesn’t get to me at times. I usually ask myself, “What I’m I doing wrong?”

Reality always seems to come to my rescue and smack me back to my senses. We all say we don’t do anything to please anyone so why would other people’s lifestyles bother me? Why I’m not in a relationship or haven’t been in one for years? To be honest, I don’t know. To others, there’s something wrong with me. I was either hurt or hate commitment, but it’s neither. I’m alone just because I like it.

What’s self-assessment? Is it not about re-evaluating your past self in comparison to your new self? Well, I like my old self. I like the me that didn’t care about who had the shiniest watch or who got paid more than who. Yeah, you’re probably wondering what I’m I going on about? I’m going on about life. What value do you attach to life?

These aren’t formative years for me. I don’t even believe in formative years as a human being. Why do I need to be tied down to a timeline I was consulted in scheduling? Shouldn’t I have exclusive authority to decide when my formative years should be? I shouldn’t be tied down to people’s expectations of what I should be doing. What do you mean what I’m I doing with my life? Isn’t living and appreciating every other day doing something with my life?

The problem with the world is that people want to compare people who were exposed to different environments. I cannot be my father. As much as there is transfer of genes, it’s not CTRL+C, CTRL+V. I cannot be what my parents are. I also cannot be that kid you look up to as a teacher. Look at me as a unique person and you’ll be on a long journey to understand that I cannot and will not be whoever you want me to be.

The internet has brought about standard regulators from all corners. You’re not wife material if you do this. You are a fuckboy because of this and that. What makes your wife material my wife material? Maybe I like them tough like khaki or soft like satin. You see, the thing about these standards is that they come from a point of want rather than experience. When you say I’m a fuckboy because I can’t do certain things I’m not accustomed to, then what makes you any different from me? Other than gender of course.

When choosing a girlfriend or wife (some people marry before dating) you have your own expectations. Some look at physical beauty, some look at intelligence, others personality (What you call inner beauty) and others just go for the person they find first. Someone worships that wife material you say is trash. One man’s whore is another man’s saint (Ask that prophet in the bible who had to marry a harlot).

The world will always try and determine how you should live your life. You always need to remember that you’re a unique individual and you should always communicate that. It’s hard not to want to impress someone and as much as we deny it, we all try to impress someone. It’s not wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The only problem is losing your principles and dignity trying to impress someone.

Live your life like you are royalty. If you’re a Christian, the bible tells you you’ve been created in the image and likeness of God so technically; you are a god in your own right and deserve to treat yourself as such. It’s the case of the argument that most billionaires don’t have university or college education. The sad bit is that the people that run their companies are all college or university educated. So you can’t rely on one person’s life story to base yours.

Create your own path and start your own story. Pioneers were never pioneers when they started off. Most of them were either laughed at or looked at as dimwits for taking their own path. You have to be willing to take the risk to be able to enjoy what those you aspire to be live. Like Kanye;  he always does the wrong things in our eyes but doesn’t give one hoot. Except marrying Kim, that will bit bite him forever or be a finger in ll the wrong places. Personally, I don’t have a role model or a mentor. I look at everyone exclusively and through their lives I’m able to pick what I can do better and what to leave out.

Don’t be afraid of being weird. You should be more afraid of being normal because that means you’re conforming and losing the true essence of who you are. Nobody will ever appeal to everyone. Obama had black people opposing his presidency in 2008. Hitler had people who loved him for who he was, so your level of weird will always have people who’ll hate it and people who’ll ride with you. You just need to do what makes you comfortable (And no, I’m not saying Hitler was right for what he did. I barely know the guy). This doesn’t mean you should break the law or anything of the sort, unless it’s taking soup with a fork; that is a law you can break any time. If you take soup with a fork, you are past any law. You are the law.

Everyone has their outlook of life and it certainly doesn’t apply to everyone but there are a few things you can pick from everyone’s mantra that will help you make life more enjoyable. The true meaning of life is in taking everyday as it comes and always striving to be the best you can be. I don’t know where I got all this all this wisdom but I trust myself so I suggest you also do the same. Otherwise, has any of you seen a lost cat somewhere? The type of girl I’m looking for likes heroes and you can’t beat rescuing a homeless cat.

It’s time to make resolutions

Do what you need. Image source: nwn.blogs.com
Do what you need.
Image source: nwn.blogs.com

It’s about that time of the year again when you make resolutions and promise to stop drinking till further notice; which is usually till you get paid or someone makes that “make it drizzle in your cup” call. I haven’t made any resolutions yet. I haven’t drunk alcohol throughout most of December and I can’t categorically claim that I’ve quit consuming the angel’s brew but I may be on my way there.

I’ve never been a resolution kind of guy. What are resolutions anyway? I bet designers and programmers can tell you more about resolutions than any random guy you meet in the street. Tear a piece of paper from last year’s diary because you haven’t got a free one yet and note this important point down; it may save your life. There are only two resolutions you can make; don’t make any resolution or make a resolution to keep your resolutions.

Which option would I go for? I go for the former. I don’t make any resolutions and I can tell you that’s the most important decision I made in my life. I’ve never slept better than the day I decided not to make any resolutions. Nowadays I dream in colour (key word is colour), have well-threaded suits and even hang out with girls whose faces I can see. Do you know how refreshing it is to see a girl’s face in your dream?

I’m not being a spoil sport or raining sour sauce on anybody’s parade. Resolutions don’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. There are actual human beings that make resolutions and see them through. I’m talking about fleshy, blood pumping and don’t fart lavender and cherries human beings. I’m not sure what schools they went to or who raised them but these people do exist and I laud them at every chance I get.

I read somewhere that every minute of planning saves you 10 minutes in execution. So that means if I plan for an hour, I would have saved very many hours in future. So even if you don’t see your resolutions you’ve slashed a few minutes from next year’s resolution setting ceremony. What have you resolved to do this year? Lose some weight because your skinny friend looks better in tights? Lighten your skin because dark skin stores too much energy and you’re a chilled guy?

Maybe those resolutions are too basic for you. Are you going big this year? Buy a new car because your friend drives a car he got on loan? Move into a 2 bedroom you can’t afford because you’re tired of having breakfast in bed? Date a bad bitch because she looks good on Instagram? I’m not good at resolutions so I’m running out of options here. Is there anything wrong with the aforementioned actions? Absolutely not! Why should your skin colour hold you back from getting the guy you want or making your big break in a Congolese band?

I made a resolution not to make any New Year resolutions for various reasons. The main reason is that I live everyday. Why should I wait 365 and a quarter days just to decide what I want to do? What’s with the quarter day? And when is this day? I need to show it to my boss just in case it falls on a weekday. Can’t I just wake up and start over on a random Wednesday? Do my resolutions have to be made on the 31st or 1st to have a major impact?

Isn’t there more to life? If you’ve read my blog before you probably know I’m not too religious but don’t castigate people for their faith either. But there’s more to life than a year. There are hours, days, weeks and months. You shouldn’t have to wait 52 weeks to decide you’re going to find a husband or wife. Wake up and be the person you want to be perceived as. Gyms aren’t open on the 1st only either.

If you dreamt of success last year, what changes in the remaining 364 days? If you have to make a resolution, why not make them everyday? Making a resolution is the easiest part of the maze. Keeping is the hardest bit. But the difficulty isn’t the issue here. Why are you making that resolution? To please someone? I won’t tell you it’s wrong because whatever we do is usually to gratify another party; whether it’s a supernatural being or a human being. I’m writing this because I hope someone reads it and shares their opinion with me.

What’s the goal of your resolution? Is the person you’re quitting whatever you plan on quitting going to appreciate it? Will you be offended if they don’t appreciate your effort? Or will you break down and fall farther into the pit self pity? When you resolve to love this year, love without expecting anything back and you’ll experience the true essence of love.

You probably weren’t even born on 31st or 1st; not even December or January. So why is it a new year to you? Why don’t you write down those resolutions on your birthday? Technically and literally, that is a new year for you and it’s more personal as compared to a global new year. Your extra weight wasn’t unwrapped on the 26th was it? You’ve probably carried it (or it’s carried you; use as appropriate) throughout the year so there’s no reason to be alarmed at the beginning of the year.

Appreciate every single day for the uniqueness it presents. You’re not going to get a big booty girl on every single birthday. You aren’t going to lose sleep over work everyday. Each day has its own surprises. The secret to enjoying even the little (or much) you possess is in appreciating it. We can’t all be rich and neither can we all be poor so work for what you want but be contented with whatever you have.

I’ve been promising myself I’d learn how to swim from 2009. Last year I just woke up on a random day and asked my friend to teach me how to swim. It was spontaneous and as much as I still don’t trust any level of water where my feet can’t feel the ground; I did something I had purposed to do at the beginning of 5 years but never really saw it through.

That may not be a major achievement because I don’t plan on living near any beach or riverbank in my lifetime, but at least I can hide under water for a few seconds and appear at the other end of the pool (Not the deep side). Most of the actions you wait until the end of the year to set as objectives are not necessarily time bound. It’s not like you’re trying to get a baby so you have specific days to get it done. You can stop drinking alcohol today. You can start losing weight today and hopefully by the time you recover from your brokenness you would have lost some of those extra pounds.

This year take some time out from getting offended at everything you see and keep your emotions in check. These shouldn’t be resolutions but an essential part of life. The lesser you fret about the more enjoyable life is. How do you think I survived almost 9 years in boarding in a public school being skinny? You just learn that not everything is worth responding to and sometimes it’s good to laugh at yourself. Be happy in 2016 and appreciate the simple things in life, like me.

What ever happened to Fridays?

When was the last time you attended a house party? Not a family gathering or a one month old kid’s birthday party. A proper house party with ratchets and a little bit of chaos. A house party isn’t a house party if someone doesn’t throw up, a fight breaks out or someone or some couple randomly starts crying. The crying bit I’m yet to understand. How is a party related to sorrow?

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I haven’t been to a house party in years and I’ve started a petition to reintroduce house parties. You shall find the form attached on my next post. The few among us that have no diapers to buy, still want to get wasted and paint the town or rather house with semi-solid edibles. Just like the old days when Jesus turned water into wine because the party don’t stop till the sun come up.

I’ve mentioned a few parties I used to attend in uni and unfortunately this memory stems from the same basic friends that I had. They weren’t bad. They just didn’t know how to throw parties. I can’t recall one good house party they threw. Not a single one. The best one ended up in more than five guys looking at each other in the wee hours of the morning because a scorned girlfriend had taken all the girls with her; even the ones she met there.

So the party started like all other parties would start; with a text. “There’s a party. Bring the booze, we have the bitches.” I was young, hot, pretty skinny and looking to skin another human being. Such kind of texts got me over the roof and I spread the word to my trusted crew. I’ve never been a fashionista so dressing up was never part of the plan as long as I had fresh breath and a pack of condoms. I always though rough rider was legit until I met a girl whose ride didn’t last long enough and I had to be dropped along the way.

We met up and being the cool people we were, decided to buy a slightly respectable beverage. It was quite cheap but very few people knew of its existence and I had no money. After various lobbying conferences and secret caucuses, we bought another fairly priced bottle and set off to conquer the world with less than $10 between us. Nothing was impossible in the face of fairly shaven female crotches and a slight whiff of perspiration stemming from walking to the party.

The school was in a remote area but I had spent quite some time in the area and knew my way around. All the way to the venue we were just praying things wouldn’t follow the same path they usually did. Disaster. You remember that time traders were having a party at the temple and out of nowhere Jesus comes in, pissed as a bull in a Spanish street and whips people around? That’s how I usually reacted to these whack parties. Only difference is that I get invited. I had no whip but I’d make sure nobody enjoyed the evening. Even if it meant calling the cops on the parade.

So we got to the party, hungry and all. We were met by loud music, hanging bosoms and slightly ashy butt fissures. At his point, my face lit up. This is why they forgot to put an extra O on Monday. I was lit. I was walking up the stairs faster than you could say, “Donald Trump sounds more like Donald Tramp.” It actually does sound the same, doesn’t it? I was in the zone. My name was being called from every direction. I knew this was the party I would meet my next blog article.

I realized my name was being called from every direction because I was on the wrong floor, knocking on a random family’s door. I went back to the right floor and yes, the party was partying. Not in a good way. We didn’t know the host but knew a co-host who wasn’t really a co-host because he knew another co-host that was a co-host at another party. We got to the door and the bouncer, who I presume was the host, asked for our drink before we made our way into the party. I was at the front and pushed his hand aside and walked in. To my surprise, the ashy butt and hanging bosom, were ploys to attract us. We had been duped.

I backed out so fast I forgot ashy butt’s waist was wrapped out my arm. I’m too sleek for myself. Now there was a problem. We didn’t want to share our drink because there were no females as promised except for the chained dog that didn’t even bark when I said she wasn’t a bad bitch. Dog just lost valuable points there for chickening out. Ashy butt was with us now because she saw we still had fresh bottles and looked equally fresh, draped in cheap clothes.

The host started cussing us out and we just stood there, bottles now open, staring at ashy butt and looking for a way out. Out of nowhere, Max steps in and calls out the host. Max is our co-host. The guy that knew the guy that heard about the party from the invited guy. It was all calm at the beginning and we knew he had it all under control until he let out a yelp. Not those loud ones, the kind a puppy makes when you startle it. Brief yet definitive.

We were ready to square off
We were ready to square off

We knew it was about to go down. Before we could roll our sleeves and dish out capital punishment, Max started crying. He wasn’t folded up or being roughed up. No, Max was crying roughing up the host. In all this confusion, ashy butt had escaped and we couldn’t trace her. Things were getting even weirder by the minute. Lazarus disappearing from his tomb was straight up David Blaine but this was undocumented. The host started weeping and he and Max were comforting each other.

I’m still confused as to why any of them cried but I had seen enough and decided to pull the plug. The hookah pot they were using belonged to a friend and I decided to confiscate it.  Ok, this was after we ran out of charcoal and even tried chopping wood from someone’s fence. I rushed down the stairs and signaled my friends to follow suit. We were bringing an end to this party. We dashed into the darkness with the hookah in tow.

I cry for Argentina. Or my friends. Or anyone
I cry for Argentina. Or my friends. Or anyone

Why we carried the hookah is still beyond either of us. We finally got to the crying bandit’s house and pulled out some charcoal. One of our friend’s girlfriend was there and ashy butt as well. Come to think of it, ashy butt was probably the most loyal stranger I’d met. She ditched her own birthday party for us. I’m sure it wasn’t because we were cool because we weren’t.

We set up the hookah and started smoking one of the most vile carbon products I have ever inhaled in my life. I could feel all the exhaust mufflers cheering me on. But why did ashy butt follow us anyway? I had no money and neither did my friends. I did smell good though. I had one of those free Bvlgari colognes and ladies love a man who knows the value of free things.

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Anyway, we smoked to our feel and ashy butt had no option but to spend the night. The surprising thing is that she looked extra shiny in the morning bar the butt fissure. My condoms were still fresh, ready to protect me through another rough week. I gathered everyone to the living room and made a declaration that I would never attend a party someone I went to school with had organized.

I kept my word. For four days I did not answer to any call for a party. On Friday morning, I got a call from another friend. There was a party. In such situations I always referred to the bible and asked myself, what would Jesus do? I forgave my friends and as soon as my class was over, I bathed in cologne (still Bvlgari) and headed out for a party. This time it was definitely going to be different.