“You’re probably wondering why I’m back here so soon. We had a lengthy conversation last time and I was 100% sure that’s exactly what would get me going. But I’m back here barely one year later and everything seems the same. I’m just a little older, hair’s a bit tougher, gained a bit of weight, but everything else is constant. It’s like I’m stuck in a loop and the same scene keeps playing over and over again. Sometimes I want to drop it all and start afresh. Leave everyone. Everything. Choose myself and elope with all the dreams I have.
Why I’m I back? I honestly don’t know. You’ve provided answers for so long in my life I don’t know where else to run to. I can see how everything will pan out but I don’t have a clue as to how where I’ll start. The big picture is pretty clear. But any time I get close to actualizing it, you know who pops up and I get thrown off and have to start all over again. And I know what you’re going to say, ‘It’s your life, you need to take control and determine all the outcomes.’ It’s not that easy though. Nobody loves me more than I do, so I want nothing but the very best for me.
Well, that’s beside the point. She’s shown up multiple times in the last month in completely different circumstances. The first time I was with a girl I’d just met. She wasn’t my regular girl. Well, not in every aspect at least. This one is different in her own unique ways. She’s happy. At least that’s what it looks like to the world. We kicked it off pretty well and didn’t do anything outside what platonic friends would do. Chill here and there. An occasional text just to check up on her and vice versa. Technically what friends are supposed to do.
And I was sure she was not going to be the one. What’s different about her? A lot man. A lot. She has these innocent eyes. She probably knows it because I can tell just by the way she looks at me when we’re talking. Her piercing gaze tells two distinct stories. And even without saying a word, I can hear her cry to be free. Yeah, I was getting to that, she has a man. And I don’t want to start anything or be a trigger so I played it cool and let everything as I found it. So we’re having and drink and you know who walks in. She sits right at our table, orders and starts reminding me of the good times we had. She eventually left but not before making things completely awkward between my new friend and I.
The second time, I was doing what I do best. Nothing. I have a new girl I’m talking to and I like her vibe. She makes me tick. Nothing close to what I go for. Petite, killer smile, humor and don’t even get me started on her intelligence. She’s everything I haven’t experienced in a girl in a very long time. I can see something in this. I don’t know what but there was something in there and it wasn’t me, yet. You remember how the last time a girl shared my sense of humor went, don’t you? I know it didn’t end well but the whole experience was mind-blowing.
Girl number two was different for many reasons. The most distinctive thing? That she wasn’t in a relationship, not dating, not seeing anyone at all. This was a new ground I hadn’t been to in ages. I didn’t know how to handle the responsibility of someone looking at me as the one. I had before, but my stars had never really aligned like this and I was determined to do my best and make it work. For once, I wasn’t the villain in someone’s story. It’s never intentional but does it really matter to the aggrieved party?
This was going to be the same but I didn’t count on you know who showing up once again. I know right? She just has a way of knowing when my life is about to take a different trajectory. We went out with the new miss and things were going pretty good. An occasional dance here and there. A dirty joke in her ear. Moments of silence just staring into each other’s eyes taking in the moment and living our lives like we’re supposed to. At this point, even my mind was hard for her. Then she walked in. And she didn’t come alone, she brought girl number three with her. In all the confusion I lost girl number two, who was the closest to being the one as I’ve come in a decade.
Girl number three was unique. I never pictured us together. Never even crossed my mind. She had these beautiful lips, long flowing hair and whenever she took her glasses off, her small eyes would glimmer with the lighting in the room. I’ve described what beautiful is to you before, right? It sinks in every other day and you notice things most people never really see. She had her life together. What’s the but in the story? Was she seeing someone? Yeah, she was, but in my defense, it’s not like I never ask or just do it to spite a random person. She said she didn’t want to talk about it and I respected that talked about something she was more interested in, us.
How did we get to talking and we had no previous contact? Destiny. We were both staying at the same hotel on vacation. I was seated at the bar one night and as she walked towards the counter, the bartender said, “Life has a funny way of working. Now look at this beautiful lady (Pause) sit next to a guy with a similar hairstyle to his and Chinese symbols on their bodies. What does that mean?” It took me by surprise and I just turned to her and said, ‘It means, she’s welcome to sit next to me for the night and we can talk about how two adults went on vacation alone.’ We hit it off and next thing you know we were talking about global warming and its effect on our clothes next to the beach.
Number three wasn’t like number one or two. She took things by the scruff of the neck and I didn’t mind it one bit. When did you know who step in? She didn’t. Well, she did, but this time I actually called her. As much as number three was something new, I could see so much in common between her and you know who. The way she talked. How she viewed life. What simple things in life meant to her vis-a-vis how I perceived them. I could already see it crumbling before I could do anything. You know who could see a lot of herself in number 3. And that’s how it ended.
Will I ever let go of her? I don’t l know. She’s a part of who I am. She’s been there and seen me through things the world will never know about. Does she hold me back? Yes, she does. Sometimes it’s justified and other times she’s just scared. She doesn’t want me to go through anything that will set me back. I know. I know. I have to let go of my past to move forward. I’m working on it. I’m standing in front of a mirror talking to myself because I’m the only one that can make a difference. I think it’s time you know who is left where they belong in the past.”