Every other day I see editorials and lifestyle articles on the newspaper and I more often than not find myself reading them. Not so long ago someone suggested that reading a newspaper was akin to reading a compilation of people’s opinions. I completely agreed with her. We are meant to believe journalists are objective people bound by an oath of truth. If only that was the case.
Journalists, like the roadside roast maize vendor, have their opinions which they mask in vocabulary and put them out as objective journalism. So today I’ve taken it upon myself to put out my opinion on an observation I’ve made. Not that I don’t have opinions. No. God knows I’m 47.5% opinions which I barely hold back when prodded. Today however, I’m not comparing my opinions or getting back at anyone. I’m just stating something I’ve observed over a course of time.
I’m the live and let live kind of guy. I go out whenever I get the chance. The frequency has reduced over the years but I can still hold my own on a night out with Beenie Man dance moves and off key renditions of most tracks. There are different kinds of people that go out, but I’ll stick to the type of guys that walk into a club. And just like the choice of undergarment you picked out today, these are my thoughts. You can have yours and share them.
Scar a.k.a The Huntsman
This is the normal hot blooded guy. He’s usually sharp either in dressing, looks, dance moves or verbal exchange. Scar isn’t going to leave the house and just walk into any club. He knows the clubs that are popping and has a favourable stick to hole ratio. The moment he walks into the club, his first stop is the dance floor.
From this point, he can pick out his prey from the large group of gyrating girls. Unlike a genus we’ll look at later on in the post, the Huntsman is very keen on selection. Depending on the target he’s sighted, he’ll approach her with an appropriate tactic. If she’s the dancer, he’ll make sure she notices every sick move he pulls while inching closer to her the whole while etc.
The whole point of the hunstman’s raving is not going home alone. He’ll even abort missions and relocate to new coordinates if he notices things aren’t going well. Failure to him is settling for a girl he’s seen for less than an hour.
Timon and Pumba a.k.a The Electrons
This group goes out with only one intention, to party. For them the most important thing is having fun. Whether it’s with friends, strangers or alone. They’ll dance the night away occasionally pulling up to a girl or two when the situation calls for it.
At the end of the night, they’ll just call it in and head home satisfied that they had fun. They rarely frequent clubs they know nothing about. They are comfortable with places they know and have the freedom to walk up to the DJ and influence the kind of music being played.
This is the guy that will go to specific clubs and is never in a hurry to take any girl home. He takes pride in chatting up a multitude of girls in a night and taking their numbers. His math is simple. Get her number spending close to nothing and look for her in another setting.
He isn’t the most likeable on sight but he knows how to get things rolling once he gets a girls attention. Up side, he doesn’t want much from a girl in their first meetings. The down side depends on your mentality and purpose as a girl going out.
The Husband a.k.a I love my satchel
This breed is the type that walks in to every rave with their girlfriend no matter the occasion. A boy’s night out is a boy’s night out, but they never seem to get this through their heads. They’re usually very calm before they down their alcohol and then become wild after the third shot. For them, there is convenience in having a girl so they never have to look for someone else.
They however, always manage to make things go south. For some weird reason, the girlfriend always finds a reason to leave the club that’s happening at the most absurd hours. There’re only four outcomes to this scenario. The guy leaves with the girl. The guy let’s the girl leave and deals with the consequences in the full view of the sun and witnesses. The whole squad leaves in unison with their hen-pecked brother. Finally, they start quarrelling and one guy has to be sacrificed to go keep the girl company.
As much as they are male role models during the day, they barely make it happen when they come as a pair.
The Tactician a.k.a The German
This is a rare breed of guys. They always plan how their raves are going to turn out. Armed with plan A to the letter just before they dish out the D. They are always accompanied by a beautiful female friend, a heavy wallet or a very unattractive but funny male companion. They know very well, their strength does not lie on the powers dished out during the Pentecost. Speaking in tongues is not their tongue.
Once they walk into any club, they find a strategic location. A place where they are certain girls will notice them and there’s high traffic of the fairer sex as well. They will barely say much in conversation but will keep you occupied with a drink or laughing at jokes about the ugly friend.
How do they use the girl? Well, it’s all psychological warfare. The stunning beauty will attract attention to his table and any daring girl will try to make contact with him. He’ll send her drinks and with time, the girl will be seated beside him only to find that the beauty was just a prototype.
Kony a.k.a Mr. Chemical Warfare
If you’ve gone to high end clubs where age meets youth, you know these kinds of people. I won’t call them guys because they’ve usually had one or two hip surgeries and have more pills than cards in their glove compartment.
What is their weapon of choice? Alcohol. These men know they stand no chance, even on their walking sticks, against hot blooded young men baying for the same moisture as them. So they will spend money and spend it without fear.
The problem with this breed is that success is solely dependent on them. They usually get too excited and end up blacking out on their own supply.
Chernobyl a.k.a The Nuclear Scientist
Time is the most critical factor for this species. They will only spend money when they know there’s a definite result awaiting their monetary labour. They know all the spots with the hottest girls in town. They will usually hang out with you till the hour of the Devil (If you watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose you get the drift).
At this point, they will vacate the premise and go on a mission. The first thing they do when they get into a club is notice a tipsy girl. They strike a conversation and immediately buy them a shot to four. In this state of confusion, my guess is that the girl will suggest they head somewhere private and the deal is done.
Bacteria a.k.a The Decomposer
Just like the name suggests, these are the bulldozers of the club world. They will take anything and everything with a vagina. Their line is, “At the end of the day, we all get the same thing. Vagina”. They will not be deterred by anything.
Their tactic is simple. Approach a group of girls and while the rest of you are busy trying to get the 8s, he goes for the 3.5. Usually, they walk out with girls from the club. This is a bad case of one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Most of them are however, very quick to deny any of these claims until photographic evidence is pulled out.
Socrates a.k.a The Philosophers
These are usually guys done with post high school education but are below 30 and have no families. They have locals in one or two up market clubs. They go out in a group of not less than three and usually have no interest in taking anyone home unless the opportunity presents itself.
For them, fun is in catching up and having a good time as friends. Their topics will range from emerging issues to professional matters. This will shift at any particular point in time to a story about booty or some girl in the club.
The most interesting thing about the philosophers is that they are usually a blend of almost all the type of ravers. However, once they meet as a group, their goals change and fun together becomes the ultimate goal.