The gods must be lazy

Fridays are supposed to be the day you let loose and if you’re a Christian, let Jesus take the wheel. Well, I made the mistake of letting Kim take the wheel. I’ll take this from the top. Last weekend was my friend’s birthday so staying indoors was not an option. At my age I know with long holidays cometh great stories.

I had just spent the better part of Thursday night and Friday morning with them. As much as tequila is the devil’s chaser, I had managed to wake up fresh and make it to work on time. My mum always insisted on prayer so it was my prayer that these friends of mine would forget of my existence. Just for one day. I don’t hate them. Not at all. They just make my IQ level lower significantly and it’s already facing a hard time keeping up with me.

At around 6pm, (which we all know is the roll call time for non-social drinkers) my god forsaken phone received a text. A text which I probably should not have followed my gut feeling and ignored. The text read, “We are at Psys. Last couch inside. Where art thou?”. I felt my heart sink to my abdomen which grew in sheer size at the thought of what was going to happen. I played it cool and finished what I was doing at work without getting too excited. After an hour or so, I wrapped up and left for what was going to be a night I couldn’t think of in my wettest dreams.

I got home, had supper (I can’t use dinner when I’m eating fries and leftover meat at 9pm) and freshened up. I don’t have a car, so public transport is my forced tool of choice. I left the house at about quarter to ten and as I was walking out of the estate, the rain began to pound. Not that Titanic flavoured stuff you watch on telly. I’m talking Noah rain. I could feel my innocence being washed away. Luckily I got a cab not far away from our house.

All through the way, the cab driver kept on talking about how we should love each other as brothers (male and female, family zone and all). I rarely do small talk, even with kids, unless they watch Penguins of Madagascar or Chowder. He was so insightful I almost asked him to join us at the club but then I remembered I’d need someone to take me home if I was to go home. Being a regular at the club, I just felt warm and everything nice but not fruity. As I stepped into the elevator, I could see people just wave, hear the dames cheer and for a moment I heard someone say, “Here comes the hot stepper”.

I walked in and my gps led me to their exact location. It wasn’t full house yet. The birthday boy Stish, his Toni Braxton of a girlfriend Lejo and the most passionate, Kish were seated comfortably waiting for things to turn up. The Deejay was hot and cold playing Toni Braxton and shifting to Miley Cyrus without a care in the world. Being a professional procrastinator, my body had postponed the fatigue to that particular time. For about an hour or so I was just there, not sure whether to be happy I was with my friends or sad that my friends don’t know anything about sleep.

I’ve never had love for the ladies that serve shots because that’s usually the catalyst for any bad decisions. I thought the gods had heard my prayers and none of them had showed up in the vicinity. All this time the rain wasn’t giving in and the prayer signals were probably weak so the gods didn’t seem to hear me because those little devils with shot glasses came around. What were they serving? You got it. Tequila. Stish thought I was cringing at the sight of tequila but I was actually performing a ritual to contact the gods. Before they could respond, I had clobbered that midget of a drink.

By this time the quorum had grown from five to ten or ten and a half. I can confirm I saw a leprechaun among the people we were seated with. I wasn’t going to get plastered knowing this was just the beginning of what was going to be a marathon weekend. Did I mention I’d met Trish the previous day? Well, Trish is Ausenyan. A full Kenyan with Australian know-how. She’s cool for days. I saw her and everything froze. I said she was cool. Back to the story. I’m not much of a dancer so I kept my posterior as close to a cushion as possible. Then I saw Tintin and Vio so I went to say hi. I forgot to mention I have ADHD (Kish says so) so I left the table and wandered with Tintin to some other table.

When I got back, I’d missed the opening shot of the night’s drama. Someone had suggestively and without consent placed the end of his hand on Kish’s posterior. I wanted to take part in a little melee but it wasn’t going to happen. At his point Stish was getting shots from every corner of the round table and it started taking its toll when he started doing the Macarena to a hip hop record. We decided it was enough and it was time to call it a morning because it technically was Saturday.

When we got to the elevator, apparently there was a girl who I can’t recall for medical reasons that I made a pass at. I had no physical or verbal injuries so I know I didn’t cause that much harm. While waiting for a cab I got bored and saw someone with malnourished blonde hair and decided to ask her if it was real. I’m not sure whether she took it as a joke because she slyly smiled and threw the middle finger at me. I’m not good with mixed signals. Just before the cab guy decided he was going to hold us up longer, I made a comment about a posture I had seen someone pulling. Who doesn’t make fun of a tipsy girl trying to tie her laces on heels?

Finally the sub cab guy arrived. By this time, we were six and there was only one willing driver. Being young, agile and really tired, we hopped in and pointed him to our direction. The first bit of the journey was very smooth until we got to some notorious junction. Just before I go on, let me mention that I have lived in this area for ages and I know it quite well. This novice of a driver thought I was retarded or somewhat stupid when I told him he was going in the wrong direction.

All of a sudden I felt something on my feet. I let out a manly grunt but it was masked by the pounding rain and came out like a squeal. “The car is flooding!” I shouted. Before people even had time to comprehend what I had just said, I was met by a stern “Shut up!” from Kish. There was Esau rage in that voice so I just lifted my feet to safe ground or safe air and kept quiet. At that point it didn’t really matter. It didn’t hit them things were thick until the car stalled and they could feel their undies float from within their dresses. All this time Lejo and Stish were oblivious of the situation. Stish because he had blacked out and the gods had a surprise awaiting and Lejo was suspended on our laps. Someone just shrieked and Stish opened the door falling right into the water. By falling I mean he dropped into the water like a domino. By the time I had time to gather my thoughts, Venus (Stish’s brother) and I were on the roof of the car.

Why were we on the roof? Two and a half reasons. First, I have never bothered re-learning how to swim after almost drowning in my drool as a child. Secondly, we both had expensive shoes on and there was no way we were getting them wet. Lastly, the shoes were really expensive. We only waded into the water because everyone had left us there and the only other option was to help the driver push his car to safety which wasn’t a priority. I cussed my way through little ocean and just when I was about to clear it, the gods struck again. I looked up and Stish was almost drowning. I summoned all my swim-worthy ancestors and lifted him out of the thirsty river.

As Lejo and the rest of #TeamKitteni were laughing at Stish, Lejo was swallowed by the same river. I couldn’t laugh because she has really nice hair. I could care less about the dress she was wearing. Venus and his girlfriend Turan decided this was the perfect time to soak themselves in fecal rich water. I know manure makes things grow but I doubt it can grow hair or intellect. To make matters worse, they decided to clean their eyes with the same water. That didn’t go too well either. By this time I was drenched in foul-smelling water and all I wanted was water I could control. We managed to get a cab and because I felt filthy, I took my trousers off and remained in my dry Perry Ellis boxers (I better get paid for this marketing).

As the driver was complaining about how we should give him more money, all I could hear were moans from Turan as Venus comforted her. Then this formerly good driver looked at my thighs as if it to say, “It doesn’t have to be them alone.” I looked him in the eye and virtually slapped him with my back hand. He got back to his senses and got us home but not without complaining about the tissue Venus and his girlfriend had misused and the not so flowery scent they’d left behind. We all took a warm shower and proceeded to rest for the night.

I managed to escape from Stish’s place (although I eventually went back) and thanks to Kish, got home safe. The only thing I could think of this whole time was the comfort of sitting on the porcelain seat of the toilet and read a verse or two from the Art of Seduction. Sit I did. I thought about my life and how I almost learnt how to swim and whether it was time to move to higher ground to avoid all this unnecessary encounters with water. After a lifetime of thoughts and decided I was building an ark. An ultra-modern ark with wi-fi and unfortunately the only animals that will be allowed will be those that can be slaughtered. I can’t afford to carry extra baggage. I reached out for the tissue and alas! They had miraculously turned into wet wipes.  I’ll go into further details of the pros and cons of using this mode of tissuing in the future.

Today is Tuesday and I got home yesterday at 9pm. Do I love my home and family? Of course I do, they feed me and there’s no judging as to how long I take in the toilet. If I was to write about Saturday night, Sunday and Monday, you’d have to ask your boss for an off day like I should. All I can say is, I think the gods only had one task and they failed. They could have sent me a signal like making me work overnight. They didn’t and I paid the price of spending my morning writing this post. Next time you’re going out, don’t wear expensive shoes and don’t remove your trousers in anyone’s car. Have a lovely week as I embark on building my ark.

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