There are times when you sit out of a conversation and observe what exactly goes on. For the past two weeks I’ve been busy sharing bro codes and the lad bible online. As much as these two documents seem a façade to most people, they actually are very key in communication and interaction among men.
For instance, a bro should always be there for the weaker bro (Even if you are weaker than the weaker bro). This doesn’t only take effect when the weaker bro picks a fight with the Jean Claude Van Damme at the club, but when he needs to pick up Beyoncé as well. If she fell in love with Jay Z before she was drunk, who is your bro not to get her when she’s high? And most drinks are on offer of course, balling on a women’s group budget. And now I make my own observations as to communication between two bros and their relationship in general. Please, feel free to doubt or hate but at the end of it, just go and ask your folks if you had a sex change as a kid.
- NEVER use the word cute with a guy
As a guy, you should steer off the use of this word at any cost when conversing with your bros. I know you are going to ask, what if I’m describing a female? A female cannot be described as cute (This word is purely meant to describe furry animals by females). She is either beautiful, hot, I need a loan, ok or any other thing that makes you vomit. The only window to use this word is when throwing a subtle jibe at your bro whose oestrogen levels seem to be going over the roof. Even cats are not cute, describe a cat using females, “It looks like Kelly Rowland or Fantasia or if it’s too hood, Size 8 or Sharkeisha”.
- NEVER use a smiley when conversing
Smileys were developed by the devil herself to make men soft. If your bro sends you a smiley, under no circumstance do you reply to that text. Even if the conversation was about to get you laid with the queen (Latifa, not Elizabeth unless you want to be royalty), abandon it and walk away from the conversation (If possible burn the evidence). The worst of all to use is the one with the tongue sticking out. What would your bro want to do to you with his tongue out? What? There is no logical explanation to its use even in the bible.
- NEVER touch a man’s lap
A man’s lap is an extension of his manhood and NO man, other than yourself should lay his hand on it. Even if your bro has been shot and the only place to lay is on your lap, find other means of getting him to the hospital, even if it’s on your back. Your lap is sacred and it should remain as that. The only people allowed to have it are, female professional dancers, your lady or children that you are related to (PS: Not older than 6). And maybe the occasional or frequent girl that comes along.
- NEVER tell a fellow man goodnight
I know you may feel the urge to tell your bro goodnight especially at that awkward moment when the conversation is dead and everyone wants to leave. Under no circumstances do you tell your bro goodnight. The proper thing is to fist bump and call him an asshole or shit head then part ways. The closest thing to a goodnight you can share with your boy is saying “Later”, “Elvis has left the building” or “Tomorrow”. Under the Law of Conversation, breaking of this law faces a hefty fine of being called weird feminine names (Philgona, Anastasia, Marybeth, your grandma’s name et cetera) for a month and doing accompanying chores, though nobody will accompany you to the bathroom at any given time.
- NEVER have eye contact in the urinal or in any case unless it’s a stare me down
It is acceptable to chat when taking a dump in different cubicles but there should be no form of contact in form of vision or physicality when using the urinal. Looking at each other when at the urinal is tantamount to you holding each other’s penises. (I don’t mean how you hold a cigarette or blunt. How you hold the mic or glass, firmly)
Even when talking, it is not allowed for bros to have eye contact. It is as simple as crossing swords. No bros are allowed to cross swords unless it’s Excalibur or Star Wars.
- NEVER EVER, EVER use bourgie words with your bros
It is against the law to use any words you would otherwise use with a female with your bros. Even when writing a letter, if it’s a man, do not use dear. The correct term is I salute you. The fellow man will be honoured to know someone recognizes their masculinity by not calling them dear. And by signing off you cannot be sincere with a man, the most suitable term is “Yours Loyally” or simply “Yours”, who cares if you are writing a letter faithfully or truly? And how do you even do that? With a bible or Quran on one hand?
- Do NOT call random guy bro
The term bro is reserved for people who have seen the struggle together. A bro is someone who’s told you the hottest chic looks like Samuel L. Jackson’s eldest cross-eyed brother just because she rejected you. A person who has seen you black out and took photos of you with your face on the hulk-looking waitress’ groin just to show you how much of a woos you are. A person who’s waited for you to sleep just so he can fart on your face. The guy who eats the last piece of chicken knowing very well you hadn’t got one. They guy who has been in all fights with you, even if it’s laughing at you.
- Use the word ass at any opportunity
Assuming you are an assassin and someone harassed your girl just because he has bass or plays the brass and you did not make him look like a lass is not classy. That shows you know what is going on as a bro. Always have your eye out for attractive feminine posteriors for that may be your bros next lay. For thy bro’s lay today might be thy next stay.
- ALWAYS use a British accent when you are drunk
British accents always float with the ladies and if you are well versed with the English channel, Irish would also do. Always ensure that you are able to confuse the ladies with talks of your days rioting in Liverpool or Manchester or tea in the same restaurant as Porsche Spice. Sell the accent bro. It pays off.
The code of conduct among bros should be maintained at all times and be rest assured that everything will run as it was meant to. Keep to the word brethren.