The Apology

I say a lot when I’m angry,
I don’t necessarily mean it,
That’s what I feel at the moment,
And one moment shouldn’t destroy years,
I don’t know how to put this,
Without looking stupid,
Without being a jerk,
But I’ll still give it a go,
Because only we know about us,
What we’ve been through,
What we had planned,
And I don’t want to throw that away,
Simply because I said something in anger,
A moment I can’t take back,
Something that may recur,
More than once in the future,
But haven’t I shown you love?
Been there through our worst,
Even when our worst was you?
Then why is it so hard now?
So hard to look past this moment,
You say I’m selfish,
I only think about myself,
And nothing other than my happiness,
Is what I strive for,
I beg to differ,
But I’ll still take a moment to apologize.

 

 

How is it selfish of me to look out for us?
Work that extra hour,
Miss my weekends just to make enough for us,
Spend hours with you,
Simply because you felt sad,
Or you had an argument with your folks,
Or the time I had to spend the weekend with you,
Simply because you had a fight with your pals,
But I was there,
Not because I had to be there,
But because I wanted to be there,
To let you know I care,
Even if you thought it was my responsibility,
I could’ve said no,
Or simply made an excuse,
But I chose not to,
Through our arguments,
I never brought them up,
I knew I did them for us,
But in the heat of the moment,
I said something I don’t regret,
But I’m sorry for,
I’d do anything to take it back,
Just so we wouldn’t go through this,
And I’m doing that now.

 

 

I apologize for the times I made you laugh,
I never knew it’d hurt you this much,
Sorry for the dinners we had,
Sorry for the times I snuck up on you in the shower,
Sorry for eating fudge cake because you loved it,
Sorry for always apologizing when I was wrong,
Sorry for not being away when you needed me,
And when you didn’t,
I’m sorry for calling you numero uno,
Simply because I thought you were,
Sorry for all the crazy moments we had,
Sorry for calling you every morning,
I’m sorry for it all,
I wanted to be an ass,
But that’s not who I am,
That’s not what keeps me going,
But you needed more,
You needed better,
And nice guys can only be so good,
This is not me pouring my heart out,
This is me saying sorry,
Making it clear,
That saying sorry doesn’t cost much.

 

 

But I’m not writing this to defend myself,
Neither I’m I writing this to victimize you,
No,
I’m simply letting you know I’m sorry,
Sorry for making you feel like lesser of a human being,
Sorry for not controlling my anger,
Sorry for when you read this,
Sorry because I don’t want to see you hurt,
And therefore, I have to let you go,
Not that I love you any less,
On the contrary,
I love you even more,
More than when I first told you I did,
But even love knows when to let go,
I want you to be happier,
Happier than I made you,
And that’s why I’m leaving,
I’m leaving to give you space,
Space to get over your anger,
Over the hate you’ve developed,
The remorse towards someone you once loved,
Someone you once woke up next to,
Shared your most intimate moments with,
Over an utterance,
Not an action,
So I have come to terms with it,
And now I’m making my way out,
Out of your space,
But not out of your life,
I’ll be here when you need me,
But probably not the same guy,
But I’ll be there.

3 thoughts on “The Apology”

  1. thank God for the gift of saying less when am angry, and shutting down completely,then speak out later after I have screaamed and cursed a thousand times in my head..because those are way too many apologies for me to say 🙂 ..
    as usual nice piece

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