Reaching Out

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I’m back again. This time I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I’ve grown up to be man. I don’t know whether you would be proud of me but mama says I’m doing fine. I have so many questions. I can write them down and pray over them but does God really answer my questions? I’m struggling between being happy and making people happy. When you said I’d be great I didn’t think I’d have to sacrifice my happiness for others.

I’m in between a rock and a hard place man. I met someone and all was going well but you know me and always finding a way out of committing to someone. I keep asking myself, what would you have done? I can’t always talk my way out of situations. I know I have a sweet tongue and I’m easy on the words but is that what you want me to do? I can’t cry anymore. People expect more of me now. Every time I’m sad, I just sit back and reminisce. Would I be in the same situation if you were still around?

Things are falling apart all around me and I’m just standing there staring out the window. You said I had a purpose. I’m I the one who was to discover the purpose or do I still have to wait for life to shine a light on my path? I’m not the same anymore. I’m less angry nowadays. I managed to rid myself of the anger of losing you and taking it out on every other human being I met. Haven’t folded my fist at anyone or even shoved a single soul. It doesn’t feel right, but you once told me a man always reasons out in times of confrontation.

How’s life on the other side? I’m old enough to drink now and I know we’d share a bottle of something if you were still around. I always drink an even number of beers. I’m a happy soul and I promise once I get a little boy I’m naming him after you. I’ll show him the same things you showed me. He’ll have to know how to treat ladies with respect and know that loyalty is more important than love. I know we’ll probably never meet again but I always have you on me everywhere I go and I still talk about you like you just went out for a drink.

I’m growing into the man you envisioned and nobody bothered to tell me how big your shoes were. I’m struggling to fit into them and I can tell you for free, it’s not easy. I fall over every now and then but I still stand tall and keep going. Your mama is doing fine. We still talk at every chance I get and share a glass of wine at least once a year. Your family’s also doing great.  Your girls are all grown now and live their lives independently.

Have you ever bothered asking why it’s always the good ones that have to go? I can’t blame you for leaving but what I’m I supposed to do when I’m fighting against myself. Either way it turns out; I lose. Everyone around me is either in a relationship or getting married and I don’t even know the essence of sharing my joy or misery with another human being. I’m I supposed to love just because the world expects me to love?

Every time I pen you a letter I ask myself, did he get it or is it the voices in my head? I want to be better. I don’t want to be the best at anything, I just want to be happy and know tomorrow will be better than today. Is that too much to ask? I’m probably on track to disappointing another human being but isn’t temporary disappointment relatively less painful than a lifetime of hurt and deceit? They say it’s not in my place to decide for another human being; and I agree. But I’m the one holding the stick, so can’t I yank it out because I know how far it can reach?

I’m sorry I share your letters with the world but the people that read it may have the same struggles and have no way of dealing with it. I’d drown all this pain in a bottle or snort it but instead I share it. Does that make any sense? Isn’t it sad that instead of talking to someone I wrote down my thoughts? I’ve tried to share but they never seem to understand. What I’m I supposed to do? Put my problems in subtitles for them to get into my head? Wouldn’t I be more vulnerable with someone knowing what pulls me down?

I never asked for any of this. I don’t want the responsibility of ensuring another human being’s individual happiness. It’s getting tough man. I keep a smile even on my knees. At times I don’t even have enough energy to carry myself through the day but I still manage to carry someone else over. I’m not really sure my laughs are genuine anymore. My eyes are dry from the loss of emotion. I feel nothing anymore. I’m indifferent in the same situations I should be passionate. What I’m I to do? Count my blessings everyday even if I’m the blessing?

Everyone is in a rush to make millions by the time they’re 30. Is it wrong for me to want to enjoy my youth while I can? They tell me to sacrifice now and enjoy later. Will I get plastered when I’m 30? Will I involve my wife in menage ets trois when I’m in my 40s? Why can’t life just be simple? I’d like to work and hang out with my friends and drink. Do things people my age should be doing. Why do I have to do things simply because a blog says I should or a certain billionaire mentioned the fact that he never went out as a young man? Is being rich everything there is to life?

I have so many questions but you always answer them at your own time. Today I need you to be prompt. I can’t afford to waste my life away just to fit in. I need you to tell me, is creating my own path the right path? I’m I confused for not allowing myself to feel the pressure my peers are feeling and simply taking everything one step at a time as much as I lose a few steps along the way? Nobody understands me like you do.

They say dead men tell no tales and I’m not dead but there’s certainly less life in my life. I can’t give up. Why should I? There’s always something to fight for and I can’t miss a reason to breathe some life into my days. I guess my time is up and I have to get back to my life. I’ll leave the pen on the desk just in case I need to let you know what direction my life has taken. A response would be welcome anytime from now.

7 thoughts on “Reaching Out”

  1. Involve your wife in a menage et trois,interesting stuff Ted.I also ask myself constantly where and when does it stop.When will the balance be where everyone including me will be happy?Why do these pieces of paper called money run our world?
    Might I also add that you are growing into a fine young man and he would be indeed proud of you:)

    1. Thank you Sakina, I appreciate all the feedback you give me, it helps me grow as a writer in my own right and style. Money is what everyone is running after forgetting the most important thing in life; people. We all want to be successful but is sacrificing the people around you for success worth it? I don’t know. It’s something everybody has to grapple with as an individual I guess.

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