Protection at any cost

Is protection this necessary?
Is protection this necessary?

I’m not yet rich or anything close to it so I use public transportation more often than required or advised. Part of the joys of public transportation is squishing yourself with food-related individuals, kids playing on your thigh not caring that your main tool of trade may be forever damaged, people eating all manner of garb and lots of other heavenly things.

One of the things I didn’t mention is radio. Radio is the echelon of public transportation. You have a choice of listening to the driver’s playlist or whatever local station he or she subscribes to. I choose to stare out the window and any mammary glands that challenge my ability to concentrate on a point. Yesterday however, there was nothing interesting outside the window and the lady seated next to me had nothing out of the ordinary going on till we got to the end of our journey. (I’ll remember to mention that later on)

As I’m thinking of how I’d be at the office if I was rich the radio switches to one of those boring daily discussions. I usually ignore but with nothing to divert my attention I had no option. What’s the topic? Contraceptives for school kids. Yeah, like those ashy little humans that wear uniforms and walk in packs. All of a sudden, the bus came to life. People were sneering, sharing opinions, murmuring while I was still looking for a pointed chest. I was taught to always focus on one goal.

I don’t know about you but I saw condoms at a very young age. They weren’t condoms then, at least to John they weren’t. John had come across this inflatable rubber in his brother’s pocket and came out to play with it. I thank God though that John was mean because he didn’t let anyone touch it. He blew it all by himself. I only came to find out later in life that I’d dodged a bullet.

I’m not a parent and by no means I’m I anywhere close to being one. So when parliamentarians earn an allowance to discuss how condoms and other contraceptives can be distributed in schools, I feel very proud to be a Kenyan. Which other government would let a ministry siphon billions and defend it but get time to sit in parliament and discuss how kids in schools need condoms? This is the government of the people.

Most high schools in Kenya are like public toilets, unisex. I’m picturing a scenario where there’s a condom dispenser in an all girls school. I know girls are a bit artistic but I still can’t picture what use they’d put a condom to. And not to mention the contraceptives. How will they access them? Will it be at the nurse’s office, at the tuck shop or will it be mixed in their morning tea? There are many possibilities.

A boy’s school. Now I can see what these rascals can do with a condom. In most cases, none of them have buckets and those government condoms can carry litres of water. Eureka! Water ferrying crisis solved. Or there’s a leaking tap and the school doesn’t want to get a plumber, boom! Problem fixed. The problem now arises when there’s a school of the opposite sex visiting.

Before, it would be really hard to convince a girl to have sex with you in school because the deal breaker would always be, “We have no protection.” G4S were there but apparently sperm is too fast for human interference. I say apparently because there is a reigning pull out champion in the bible who even God himself thought was taking it too far and had to deal with him.

With condoms in schools, what stops these kids from engaging in sex? Kim Kardashian was not a role model when I was in school and neither was Vera Sidika or Huddah. People looked up to Oprah Winfrey and people who were not necessarily physically appealing but had it all going for them. When Kim is your role model, there is only one way to success. You’ll be on your knees and prayer won’t be your agenda. I have nothing against socialites. Ok I do but it’s nothing personal.

Kids nowadays twerk during P.E and aren’t in the least bit cautious of their changing physiological features. The once dreaded fear of the fury fathers unleashed on their kids is fading away.  Kid’s nowadays don’t fear pregnancies, let alone STIs (Not the Subaru. Only Njoki Chege fears those). It’s tantamount to serving alcohol at an AA meeting just to see if they’ve overcome their addiction. Putting contraceptives in schools is a recipe for disaster. And where will they dispose these condoms? I threw up in my mouth when I remembered I used to pick litter in school.

What stops sex pests (Not pubic lice) from taking advantage of the availability of contraceptives in these learning institutions? I’d personally like to know if there’ll be any form of tracking done on the condoms. Some teens in the UK manufactured condoms that change colour when in contact with an STI. Now that’s an invention that goes towards enhancing a better future. Though I’m not sure how many people would knowingly use them. If you’re just about to get laid and the colour changes, there’re instructions on the pack. “Slowly back up. Look at your partner with disdain, spit on the ground, look to at the ceiling, remove the condom and slap your partner with it on the face.”

If the contraceptive was able to track anyone that had slept with a minor, it’d be a marvelous step towards curbing under age sex. There are currently no condoms in public toilets and I think that should be an area of concern. Picture yourself clubbing in the CBD and getting this endangered lady (the horny ones) and she’s willing to go with you. It’s 2am, all shops are closed and you don’t want to go to those local vendors, what do you do? Run to the nearest public toilet before getting a ride home. You killed two birds with one (technically it’s two) stone.

I’m not a keen follower of most political side shows so when I found out this bill had made it to the second reading and MPs couldn’t sit down to figure out why corruption was bleeding Kenya dry, I cried. I cried not because I was hurt but simply because there’s this bug that had accidentally flew into my eye (It couldn’t have been intentional, could it?). This is the time these social activists should stand for something. If they support the motion they should carry lorries of condoms and dump them at the parliament building. All MPs should be able to distribute them to all schools in their constituencies.

If they are against it, they’ll probably still get the condoms and put them on pigs. I’m yet to grasp their fascination with swine. So back to this lady I was seated next to at the beginning of the post, the one without anything to look at eventually surprised me. I was definitely going to be the last to alight because of my position so I waited patiently for everyone to pretend they were in a hurry.

The lady stands up and I see playboy. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me because that was an elastic band. The kind you see on Fruit of the Loom boxers. I thought I had seen it all but then I could see the shoulders of her butt cheeks. That’s when I realized she actually had one of those boxer thongs. The kind that say I can hold my own but still need you to kill that spider in my kitchen. I wish I had a condom to cover her bare behind. Parliamentarians, that’s a hint,

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