No! This is not an inhaler

I’m a huge fan of stand up comedy. From the Chris Tucker intonation, Chris Rock narratives, Eddie Griffin’s vulgarity to Kevin Hart’s pure comedy. So I recently watched the Bad Boys of Comedy for the seventh time (I might be Jesus’ cousin). One particular comic caught my attention. Other than his funny DC accent, he made a joke about a situation that most people ignored or didn’t pay attention to.

He talked of one of his sex adventures, with a lady of course. Apparently, the lady had epilepsy but hadn’t divulged this information prior to the marathon. The man wanting to position himself as the Bedroom Bully, brought his A game. At one point, the lady started convulsing on the bed and in his mind he thought, “I’m hitting this right. She about to splash a waterfall!” So he uprooted himself from her depths and trounced around the room chest thumping and calling in all female neighbours. “Who’s the man? Who’s the man? See what I’m capable of? See?”

Little did he know, there was a medical emergency about to occur before his naked eyes and self. The situation wasn’t fatal but it would have been. This reminded me of an almost similar case that transpired between me and one very hot lady we’ll just call Missy. Missy was known for her red high heels, weaves which we weren’t sure were human, Ferrari or synthetic, inviting fragrance and pitch perfect dark skin. I never really appreciated her thinking process but that’s the sole reason she came to school, to improve it.

On this particular day, we were sharing my favourite class and I’d assumed my normal sitting position. Far enough to have a meaningful conversation with the lecturer, but close enough to place my hands on a thigh or a pair. Missy strutted in to class late as usual and sat approximately 49 degrees NE from my position. How do I know the bearing? I could see part of her cleavage but I couldn’t complete the cycle. I’d never made a pass at her because I believed she was just a little bit way out of my league. Just a bit.

Halfway though the class, she turned and faced me. I know the sight of lust when I see it and every time I saw her that is what her eyes communicated. I saw her wink and thought, “No, that can’t be for me. Is it?” So just to clear the air, I winked back and she smiled. She was now in my league. Not just my league, but my team. I readjusted my sitting position and she was now placed at a vantage point.

Things however, took a turn for the worst when she took a deep breathe and her boobs became rounder and firmer. I could see where this was going so I LL Cool J’d my lips and put my hands on my chin squinting my eyes. In no time she was exasperating and moving around her seat. I know I’m sleek but not sleek enough to make her orgasm on her seat. I did what any sane human being would do. I stood up, looked at my lecturer and simply said, “Ma’am I think she having one and it looks like a big one.”

As I approached her, she pointed to my groin while still gasping for air and mumbled something in the line of inhaler. I was a bit confused so I checked to see if my willy was screaming and shouting and wanted to let it all out. Fortunately it wasn’t. So I bent close to her and whispered, “No. No. I know it gives life but you can’t inhale it right now. The library in 30 minutes maybe?” An expert joined us and confirmed that my dear Missy was having an asthma attack.

At the moment, it was bit scary for her and opportunistic for me but I gave it more thought. Other than the fact that she winked at me before her attack, she could have at least informed me of her situation. Most people get into relationships without necessarily knowing anything about their partners. It’s imperative that there’s adequate disclosure before settling down. Other than people getting weird conditions like the lady who suffered a 2 hour continuous orgasm; there might me more serious issues to deal with.

For all you know, you may have recruited a serial killer into your house or even worse, a serial snorer. I couldn’t reiterate this any more; know your partner before jumping the gun and deciding you want to spend your life with them. Not that Missy and I had anything brewing after my misplaced comment but just in case she’s reading this she’ll know I’m still here in case she needs an inhaler.

As a child I was taught honesty is the best policy. As much as this is far away from the truth as I was to laying Missy, it does pay off in some incidences. So all ye that are posting instagram pictures of bae and boo, beware of the conditions these individuals might have. The next thing you hashtag might be #BaeAlwaysGetsTheWrongHole #SMH. Let’s be open about our relationships.

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