My City

Today I’ve taken a break from all the drugs that have been abusing me from my late teenage years and I’ve decided to take a serious look at my environment and made plenty of observations. First and foremost, is Imported Nairobians. Who is an imported Nairobian you may ask. These are the peeps who came to Nairobi simply because circumstances forced them ( Read school). These are the people who wear combat gumboots to class. For those of you who grew up in incubators, a gumboot is the ancestor of the modern day crocs and condom shoes. There is no problem with gumboots, but combat gumboots? Who are you? Idi Amin’s twin sister? I’m not the orthodox fashion guru but I know a thing or two about looking good. And combat boots or in this case gumboots only look good in series. Condom shoes aren’t good either, whether it’s the Salama looking like guy shoes or the Sure looking feminine shoes. The wooden shoes ladies wear are in this category as well. Just because we can tell you are stamping in from a kilometre away doesn’t mean you are wearing heels. No! Those things you get from your carpenter and masquerade as heels do not cut the mark. If wearing heels is a must, go to Engarasha and get yourself a pair. And when you do, do a dry run before leaving the house. Those mamis that gully creep and ride bicycles anytime they wear heels should be sentenced to a fortnight in Luthuli to learn how to operate in these objects of desire. And unless you get laid in those shoes, they don’t have to be so Spartacus-like with spikes all over.

The sisal many chicks have taken to putting on their heads. I know taking care of hair is tough business considering I have afro kinky hair(ndengu) but sisal, really? To make matters worse, these crop of human beings go as far as getting coloured sisal. Those that have managed to find a bearing in the city go for the more familiar horse tails. These come in different shades other than grey. I’m not a chronic or habitual hater as my post may suggest but I have a soft spot for identifying flaws and odd things. What’s my problem with this breed of hair? It stinks and looks like an eagle’s nest after a few weeks. Unless you have a rich parent(s), boyfriend or have the financial means, desist from this sinful trend. You are being tricked and you’ll end up in hell and the hair will be used to fuel the sulphur. It is a simple way of making life difficult for any guy trying to get brain. We shall fight for our right and that starts with ridding our city of weaves. You’d rather go bald if you have nothing to do with your hair. The things this product does to you is not fair even if you hate life. The sides of your head look like a set of Mandingo pubes and the worst of all is false impression. Chicks hide so many things under those things. If it’s not funny looking eyes ( no offence to my cross-eyed friends), it’s a scar she got while she was busy trying to shoplift for the given concealment product. With the rising confidence in our judicial systems we,(as the Anti-Weave Movement) will file a petition to make weaves illegal in this part of the country(Excluding Rongai, Syokimau,Ngong,Kahawa et al).

What annoys a native  Nairobian such as I the most is the lexicology of this breed. This simply means their language is to die for. I mean to literally die to save the language from these terrorists. I’m conducting a research to find the origin of the phrase “nayo”. The use of this word took Nairobi by storm but true Nairobians stuck to their vocab. This word doesn’t make sense and anybody found using it within the borders of Nairobi should be smacked with a bible to drive the gospel home. Words are tools of communication and when misused they can make a people look out of place. That word is the origin of these girls that wear skirts with plits then go chill at Psys and expect to get laid or the guys that buy napoleon( and I’m not referring to Chatelle) and borrow a bottle of Oudemeester to look classy. When you come to Nairobi maintain your own or do as the Nairobians do. But coming here and putting x’s instead of s in words will not be taken lightly. X is only used when rating movies, marking a spot or referring to something you left in the past. I am not a regionalist or in line with our current constitution, a countist. I am just a person who wants the city to maintain its status as the City of the Stars. I may have offended a few persons in this blog but I am doing it for a greater cause. You’ll hate me now but repect me when Konza city fails to kick off and people who moved to Syokimau and Kitengela to be closer to Kenya’s silicon valley try moving back to the city.

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