Here I am Pearly Gates

It’s been a while since I last sat down and put anything down that wasn’t going to earn me a grade or get me laid. So on this particular day Rodrigo and I had set our sights on attending a Homeboyz gig at the Carnivore grounds and nothing was going to stop us from turning it up that night and stunting like Alpha Blondie shopping at Junction while shottas are waiting for him at KICC. So we link up in the CBD since none of us had access to a private ride. But what’s the difference; I have a chauffeur, an entourage and a butler. So two other pals join us and we choose to get the poison of our choice. We walk straight into the alcoholic aisle; Mututho was still hustling back then. So we pick our vodka and head out of the supermarket knowing this was going to be the night when it all goes down. Knowing the night was going to be rough we chose to have some bitings before our ride got there. As soon as we heard a black rhyno tune playing in the background we knew it was out time to leave the city and get our night on course.

As soon as we get into the jav, the sight of caramel thighs, baby bearing hips and no bras was enough motivation to know this night was set aside by one of our ancestors, Solomon most likely. So we pop open our bottie and drown that poor man’s liquor so fast I should have got head from one of those mamis just for that. We get to Uchumi and since everybody is going in the same direction, the chauffeur decides to be a wuss and take us near the gate. As if the Lord was listening to my silent prayers, we meet a lone ranger who was out to conquer the night but was beaten to it by the liquor. After pouring libation we take the untouched mzinga from him and go on to show him how it’s done. And if I wasn’t so distracted by miss caramel thighs I would have realized I was the only one drinking the God-forsaken drink.

So far so good, the night was proving to be a great one. We walk in and who is the first person we bump into? Marie Curie (her story I will narrate later). All you need to know for now that she gives great lip service. She was the kind of chic that was always head over heels when intoxicated, that’s why we all loved her low shoes. So we all plot on who’s getting her for the night. One of us, we’ll call him Jakech, wasn’t planning on finishing up this deal in the morning. So as I stagger around, I bump into Marie again and when drunk, whenever I open my mouth it’s with the intention to lay. And that was all going well till the next thing I remember was handing Jakech a pack of rubber. So apparently for four hours I was out cold but that’s their side of the story. My side of the story is very different and that’s what we’ll go by.

In the process of putting Marie in the zone, I saw caramel thighs and I could have sworn there was a trumpet that was sounded and a beam of light shone on her bum and she signaled me to follow. That was when Jakech showed up and in the process asked me for the pack of rubber. So I head out with caramel thighs, hand over my personal belongings to Rodrigo and know I come from the 12th tribe of Israel. After a few shots of whatever it is that she gave me (my taste buds were numb) we decide as good people we should give some sort of respect to France and lock lips, tongues and other body apparels. Now this is where things got tricky. She said she wanted to have a seat and being the deviate I am, I obliged. We went to the sheesha gazebo and that is where everything changed. I turned to pick a poof and the next thing I saw when turning back was a bright tunnel, which unfortunately didn’t have a light at the end of it. So the first thing that came to mind was, the hell! I made to heaven and there’s no traditional song and dance, just Supercat playing in the background. I search, for someone to ask for my crown but I couldn’t get my eyes off the tunnel.Yeah, it was the inner thigh of an Indian chic. So I gather my courage and ask, “Where is Sheeva, I need to pay my reverence for not being turned into a sea horse?” They all laughed and handed me the sheesha to calm my nerves. All this times I was thinking, did the world end while I was tapping caramel thighs? And did we climax or at least did I? As I am busy thinking about my past life, miss bright tunnel crosses over to my side and places those blessed thighs on me. Never in my life have I felt so incapacitated. The best I could do was ask, “Are you Sheeva?” It didn’t get me laid but at least it got those pink lips plastered on mine. And immediately after they left, and no, my ass was intact, I confirmed. I found my way around and got to where Rodrigo was and found him with some mami, Jakech looking all worn out and Marie still smacking her lips after a job well done. I never got the chance to meet Sheeva or Caramel thighs again, but at least I have seen the Pearly Gates.

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