All that Glitters may be fireflies

So, I hear stories of guys who thought they had landed the perfect chick until they get to some point and realize they had got some ratchet or Size 8’s clone. Personally that has never happened to me until recently. It took me hours of agony and resources to sit myself down and write this post. I’ll start from where I met the “queen of my night” or just a few minutes before that. I was in westie running some errands or as most people call it nowadays, hustling. In the process of looking for a dollar I had the urge to stack myself. I know of a nice oriental place in Westie where they serve all manner of delicacies. On this particular day I had settled for pan-fried matumbo with onion strips, teargas, ugali and managu. This I was planning while on my stroll to the joint. Just before I could reach the door, I bump into this lady that I had met at some bash some weeks prior to that. We exchange pleasantries and being the gentleman that I am, I openly told her she was blocking me from reaching Canaan. So out of her willingness to waste time, she offered to accompany me for lunch. At first I was like, “You don’t have to. I’m a slow eater, i’ll waste your time.” But the chick was adamant, all she said was, “I insist!” So like Samson, I gave in to her demands. So we get there, Atieno walks up to me and winks knowing today I had scored. The chick told me she’d had lunch already so I didn’t bother asking whether she’d cram her stomach with extra food which was not necessary. All the while she was cringing her nose as if to say,” Nigga, you brought ghetto to the west.” The plate comes just as I had imagined it, half filled with ugali, an eighth with managu and the rest with soup you can barely find and matumbo.

This is where I made my first mistake. The mistake goes like this, ” You can have a bite, it’s good.” Those words must have unleashed the barbarian in her because she went on to eat half my food and drink half my glass of unpaid for water. All this while I was cursing thinking I had to ditch her fast or things would spiral down from there. I pay for the meal with a heavy hand, even forgetting to tip the ever loyal Atieno. We head  out and along the way she notices an ice cream shop. I tried all techniques to get to the other side of the road, even volunteering to push an already moving vehicle. From my tone you can guess I failed in my endeavours and had to cough up more chumz for this English speaking madam. By this time I had settled on introducing her to The 1 who had been silent until later on in the day. As she was busy licking the last dribbles from the ice cream tin, my pal invited me for a party. Knowing this ninja had had the worst parties in town, I gladly accepted to go to piss this chick off. On this day I had the luck of having a full tank car at my disposal, but it wasn’t mine of course. She tagged along all my errands for the better part of the afternoon and evening. So we drove off to the crib which was just a few minutes away from the place we were at. The moment I get to the guys parking lot I realize, this isn’t going to be one of his usually whack parties. The number of girls that had already turned up, was overwhelming and funny enough he’d bought drinks. I later found out he was only hosting the party for another pal. So we get in and I immediately duck and join my pals for storoz. The chick was hot, but I had a bad feeling about her wanting to hang around me so bad. After a few drinks and acquainting myself with potential chipos, I hook up with her. She tells me how, she doesn’t feel the bash and wants to go somewhere quiet. From this point it is the one that took over. We head over to the balcony and now I can hear about her tough day and horrible make-up artist she went to from Paris. All this while my hand was trying to overcome the barrier that was her tight jeans. I eventually get past it and the rest is history. We get back to the party and she has one too many and blacks out. I take her to the car to come about and go back to the party to go about my agenda. At around 1am, I’ve had enough of the samples and decide it’s time to head out. I duck all my subjects and go to the car. By this time she’d come to so I volunteered to drive her home thinking this one must be from Runda with all this Paris talk. “So where do you live?”. There was a pause, then the answer came. “Along Mombasa road.” That was close to my place to I thought the gods were working overtime this time around. I drove off thinking, I knew a few good estos along M-road. So we drive past Capital centre and I’m thinking, maybe it’s Diamond Park. We get to the Airtel offices junction and I start to slow down but she says it’s just a short distance away. I think, it may be Imara Daima. We go past that junction and at this point I start thinking maybe she lives in Coast and just wants me to drive her home. So we get to the Cabanas junction and she tells me to turn. We drive into Pipleline estate and head towards some clubs. I’m thinking, shit! she wants me to buy her booze and we are from drinking? The bouncers took away all my fears. One of them just came to us when she stepped out of the car and was like,” Umechelewa kazi. Enda ubadilishe na upande stage!” (You are late for work. Get changed and get on that stage!). So she invited me in for a private show which I got for free. When I was leaving at around 4 am, she was like,” Si utanitafuta?” (You’ll look for me?) I just nodded thinking,”Nitakutafuta tufanye nini? Uniambie nikulipe?” (Look for you for what? So that you ask for payment?) So that fateful night I learnt even even fireflies glitter.

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