All men are the same

I went for a wedding last year in August. Technically, that was the last wedding I attended due to lack of invites and the fact that I don’t like being in wedding committees. Who contributes to my courtship projects or who will dedicate their hard earned money to my success in getting someone’s daughter off her expensive linen?

This wedding was everything I had never looked for in a wedding. A couple that loved each other and had actually spent time together before deciding, “We want to make out in front of our parents and show them this is how it’s done.” I also liked the food (The simsim and groundnuts especially) and the view.

I don’t know why I mentioned the wedding because I actually wasn’t going to write anything about a wedding. From the moment I turned 18 and vowed to cause havoc and sleep till I was 23. In this period I’ve seen the number of girls I knew get knocked up so many times I don’t even congratulate them anymore.

I have nothing against pregnancy. It’s a beautiful thing. Who doesn’t want to see a lady wading on dry land? I have a lot of respect for the ladies that see their pregnancies through and even go as far as naming their children after months and vehicles. They deserve to be lauded and recognized as heroes.

Last evening I drank too much beer and had to stop after every five minutes to let off condensed moisture as I went home. This was coupled by a nasty hangover that didn’t even have the decency to put on some deo. I blamed my bar tender and currently have to tell the world about how bad bar tenders are.

I’ve seen a couple of bitter posts online from ladies concerning men. I would not understand what it feels like being left to care for a baby on your own and the donor is sipping mai tais somewhere in Kariobangi South. I personally haven’t gone through a heartbreak except for this one time a kitten I was in the process of adopting committed suicide in front of me out of the bureaucratic frustrations of the Feline Adoption Society.

Every individual needs to take responsibility for their actions and that includes every man that willingly or unwillingly engages in any activity that may lead to gene transfer. That should not even be a topic for discussion. The issue lies in what the once happily romping and now lactating ladies turn into. All men become bar tenders and are blamed for the action of one bar tender that served a vodka martini without the glass.

These wonderful ladies turn from “My man is the best in the world” to “All men are the same”. However, there are very many loopholes in the statement “All men are the same”. I’ll help you identify a couple. Believe it or not, we all have different DNAs. I was equally surprised by this discovery when I stole sugar and blamed it on my brother only for my dad, a man and a forensic scientist to test the jar and determine I was the culprit. Surprising, huh?

I also found out men have different penile sizes. This has made me halt my quest for equality until I find the root cause of this phenomenon. I almost suffered one of the most violent attacks on my grades last semester when I said Mahatma Gandhi, Adolf Hitler and Idi Amin were one and the same. When asked by my lecturer what I thought of thought of these men’s principles, I simply answered, “They are all same. My ex-girlfriend says all men are the same.” Everyone laughed and I had to spend the rest of the class from the window but I got the point.

I believe we all make wrong decisions at some point in our lives. Emotions have no logic and therefore, you may think you’ve found the one but you’ve just found the one to donate some Y chromosomes. The first wrong decision was engaging in guerrilla warfare. Protection comes in cheap and the government cares so much that they dish them out for free. The reason why you or I risk losing the joy of sleeping throughout the night because of an alarm that you barely know how to operate still baffles me.

I’m sure I can pick out a man from any office or higher education institution that has spent a fortune on a lady only to find out he was financing another man’s reality. I’d want to hear them say all ladies or women (Depending on how many times you’ve voted or witnessed elections) are the same. No two human beings are the same.

My mind can’t comprehend how one person can say all men are the same in reference to a man that made her pregnant and still say her father is her hero. If all men are the same, I’d think all fathers except for Caitlyn (RIP Bruce) would be in this category. It all lies in Sir Isaac Newton’s third law that states for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. It’s not acceptable for a man to run away from his creation but it’s equally unacceptable to blame even the men you refused to sleep with.

In this time and age where people are losing their dads to oestrogen, blanket judgment shouldn’t even cross your mind. As much as any man that dodges the responsibility of their child is punishable by law, every lady should also know their wrong decisions cannot be pinned on people like Patrick Ngugi Njoroge who has been celibate for 54 years. (I need to see this man and learn from his ways)

To survive in this world and live happily, you need to learn how to separate issues. The ladies raising kids on their own as their lazy donors look for quick return sperm banks deserve respect. So do the men that raise other men’s children like their own. To the lazy donors, keep it up, your zip that is. Once we learn to treat every person as an individual, some of these unnecessary pains and blame games can be avoided. And you can also invite me for a wedding; I dress well and eat with cutlery.

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