Category Archives: Soul Searching

A mirror into my life

One man can make a difference

In life every experience is a lesson and I’m a good student, you can ask anyone that shared a class with me in University. I’m those students that have five different types of pens and divide my notes according to the lecturer and their mood. My notes got people A’s. Of course they can’t step up and say, “You my G are the real MVP.” They’d rather take that shine, but I’m good, I’m beaming.

So, in the past month or two I’ve been really quiet and haven’t really posted anything. I’d blame writer’s block but honestly, I lacked inspiration. I didn’t have anything that made me want to sit down in my cotton-white white boxers, with a glass of red wine and just jot down my thoughts. Every time I got myself in a position to write, I would jot down two lines and that was it.

My front desk mate at work kept on pressuring me to write and even went to the extent of calling me to write when I was on holiday. She’s got a lot of nerve but she also triggered a lot of thought in me. I’ve seen a lot happen over the days. Just today in the morning, a friend lost his daughter. You try your best to find something appropriate to say but what can you say?

“I’m sorry, she’s in a better place? That was God’s plan?” I haven’t talked to him and doubt I’ll be saying anything any time soon but I feel his pain. And that is partly what made me want to write. I remember this one post I wrote in 2013 and I was at a very low point in my life. I wrote it as a diary, not necessarily target to lift anyone or anything along those lines.

One lady called me after that and we talked at length about what I was experiencing. She was going through a hard time and my post spoke directly to her. I have the ‘Scopare il mondo. Salvare la tua anima’ mentality. However, when you can help one person have a good day, isn’t that good thing? So I decided I’ll write today. I don’t know what my subject is but I’m just going with the flow, the words will come as I go on.

I’ve been brought up around a close knit family so I value friendship, loyalty and respect. In the recent past I’ve been in situations where I’ve done things that I had no responsibility doing but did them anyway. What I’ve come to understand is that we’re not all the same. Some people will show you gratitude for what you offer while others will not.

But does that mean I should change and stop helping people because a few people couldn’t show gratitude? I would but I wouldn’t live in comfort knowing I could’ve done something but chose to do nothing. Over time you may realize, it’s the small things that matter. You can have money but you will barely ever have the most money.

Happiness is innate. You derive your joy from within and that’s what most of us have failed to grasp. We rely on other people to give you joy. When was the last time you enjoyed your own company? Just sat by yourself and did something you love for your own satisfaction? If I said one more time that I’m not in a relationship, you’d think I’m advertising my singlehood. Well, I am but that’s beside the point.

I see people suffer and sacrifice more than they need to for relationships to work. The word doesn’t even have real in it so most people do it just for the cameras and likes. Companionship needs more than love and posting your significant other as an MCM or WCW. It needs you to know there’s an equal distribution good as bad with anyone.

I don’t picture perfection in any situation but I have visions of ideal situations. A situation where you treat other people with the respect they deserve and not manipulate or take advantage of them. It may not work in a capitalistic world where everyone is interested in their own wellbeing even if it comes at the expense of other people.

What’s really sad is that most people would rather play the victim nowadays. You’d rather shift blame to someone else to avoid taking responsibility. It’s always some else’s fault which begs the question, what is your responsibility?

The sooner you learn you are not just on the world but of the world the better. Play your part in building a better society and spreading a smile to different faces across the globe. You just like the next person are good at something. It may not be raking in any money bit it can make a difference.

Try cutting your pinky off and see how efficient your hand will be. I bet you’re not so willing to take the risk but you know you’ll lose almost half of your hand’s functionality. So what makes you think that even without being the most outspoken figure, you can’t make a difference?

Don’t give anyone the power to determine your happiness. People will disappoint you and make excuses for their own failures. But there are people who will also uplift you and show you the good side of humanity we barely get to see.

It’s a matter of perspective and you choose what you want to see. If something bad happens, take your time, deal with it in your own way and find a way to get past it. Time is the only true healer. I’ve ranted a lot but I think I needed to just note down what was in my head and put it out there.

I also don’t think Hillary lost because she’s a woman like everyone is trying to portray it. Trump may not have been your favourite but he was elected in a legally due process and the least you can do is give him time to succeed or fail. The power lies in your hands, you just need to show how badly you want it.

 

Convenience is all about perspective

“I take you, to be my lawfully wedded wife. In sickness and in health, in riches and in poverty, till death do us part.” I’m not sure that’s how the vows go but it’s along that line. I’ve not been to many weddings in my life. Partly because the people I know barely get married and the ones that do, share their wedding invitations when I have other commitments, like learning how to swim or have a dance-off with my god daughter.

I’m not big on Western weddings for a number of reasons, the major one being the cost implication against posterity. However, that’s not an issue I want to discuss because I may end up ruining my chances of being invited for future weddings. My issue is with the vows and understanding your roles. Do you understand the implication of the words you utter or is it just a phase to you?

The divorce rate in Kenya isn’t as high as Western countries because of the mere fact that court processes drag on for years and most people don’t have the finances to see their cases through; so they end up separating amicably. The number of separated homes in Kenya is soaring by the day from generations born in the 60s and earlier to those born in the 80s. The sad thing is that most of these people recited those vows.

This year alone I’ve seen videos of domestic abuse on Facebook more than enough times. One time is enough and I’ve seen those videos more than once. I’ve learnt something from interacting with people older than me and that is called, separation of issues. I’m not a Psychology major and having done one or two units in the said field doesn’t make me an expert in analyzing behaviours and all that Dexter stuff.

I however, know plenty about human interaction from experience. Have you ever wondered what goes through a persons mind when they take up a knife or rod and attack someone they vowed to love through thick and thin? Does it happen overnight? Is there any form of justification? Isn’t there an easier way out of the situation than violence? What led love to this?

I rarely involve myself in marital or intimate relationship discussion. This is because my uncle once told me, “Two people that sleep together know how to sort their issues out. If you get involved, you’ll be the only loser in the end.” At first, I never took his words seriously but as years go by, I can clearly see his words coming to pass. I’m not a violent person and always believe there’s always a multitude of options before violence.

Why are domestic cases a common scenario? What are communities, societies and relevant authorities doing about it? Is it time for stern action to be considered? I’ve seen a number of videos and there’s one thing I cannot fail to mention; double standards. A video of a man being beaten by a group of women using wooden rods was doing rounds on the internet. Going through the comment section made me question humanity.

For decades now, people have been fighting for affirmative action. Different groups have been clamouring for equality among both sexes in various aspects. That is until you see how issues among both sexes are treated. When the video of the man was doing rounds, most of the comments were, “He deserves it for cheating on the girl.” “What kind of man is this?” “These are the type of men we have today!” Nobody stopped for a minute to think these are the type of men society has brought up and continues to bring up.

If the same video was of a group of men hitting a woman for cheating on the husband, the reaction would have been totally different. “Why can’t he just leave?” “What kind of men gang up on a woman?” “Men are animals?” Why the double standards? Are we not fighting for equality? Or does equality only come into play when it’s about education and money? I don’t support violence of any kind unless it’s your profession.

This is the kind of frustration that makes its way into marriage. You look at yourself as the provider and want to run your family like an absolute monarch. You presume you have dominion over whoever has the lower pay. When did it get to this? Is respect all about who brings more to the table? Shouldn’t equity be what is being preached? Equity is giving your daughter who is 3 years older than your son more pocket money because her needs tend to be more demanding. Equality is giving them the same amount because they are both your children.

You see where I’m going with this? Marriage as an institution is losing its value because it’s no longer about equity but equality. My wife is close with her male boss so I’ll cheat on her with her friend. What gives? It’s not always about give and take. Sometimes you give expecting nothing in return. When you say till death do us part, does it mean you go through suffering, abuse and torment to your death? Or are you just saying it because it’s a norm?

How many times will you take a cheating partner back for the sake of your kids? How many times will you wear make-up to conceal the black eye you always have on Monday mornings? How many times will you avoid going for swimming with your friends because your back looks like a skid mark? These are the type of questions marriage vows never tackle. A donkey breaks its back at one point and what good is a donkey if it can’t work?

The sad truth is that conformity has blinded us to what is really true in our lives. We want to do because that’s the way it’s always been done. That doesn’t necessarily make it right. I cannot say today’s men are weak compared to their fathers because that is what society has taught them. I can also not say today’s women are not humble like their mothers because they’ve been exposed to different standards and world views. When you say you’re independent, do you understand the gravity of the word you’re using?

I have no children yet and do not foresee any in the near future. However, if and when I have my own, I will teach them about equity. I want them to know they are not and will never be equal. I want to teach them about justice and make them understand that they should not conform for the sake of fitting in. I want to teach them about diversity and make them understand we all have different roles to play and none should be looked down upon.

You’re not any less of a woman because you are able to balance your career and family. You’re not any less of a man either because your wife earns more than you do or you pull your weight behind her in the household. Society has fought so hard to get rid of stereotypes only to impute others. Just like every relationship is different, so is marriage. Find a partner that improves you and make vows you know you can keep. Marriage is a partnership that only works when both parties put in collective effort.

You may find yourself floating against the tide when you stand up for what you believe in but if you’re the same person that says, “I’m not doing this for anyone,” you won’t mind being different but comfortable in your truth. People will ask you to be unique but expect you to do what has always been done. Approach your relationships and marriage like an essay. No two essays can be the same even if they have the same ending or beginning. Be the difference in your life. Say no to discrimination and gender based violence. Pain knows no sex.

And on the 7th Day, humans created conspiracies

Now I don’t bother with if Jay’s Illuminati or not but / I know TSA got me throwing the Roc up / Hollywood rules, the illusion is cruel / Bank awards planned and confusions’ a tool / In fact, vampire swarms attack us, grappled with corporate Draculas / Tried to consume our worlds, battled Unicron, Galactus…” That’s an excerpt from Rakaa Iriscience’s Century of self. No, it’s not a book, so don’t look it up on Amazon.

In this century it’s practically impossible to be under 30, listening to hip hop and not getting caught up in the Illuminati conversation. Is the Illuminati real? Who are they? Is it a religion? How do I get in? Can I get out? There are more than 100 questions you can ask in regard to this group. I’ve never really been into conspiracy theories and that’s why you’ll never see my social media accounts riled with bible verses predicting the end times and how Rothschild runs the whole world.

I’m a liberal guy that believes there’s always a story behind the story but we only get the third version of the story. The PG version if I may add. Do I believe in the existence of the illuminati? Yes, I do. Is it really the Illuminati people talk about? Not really my friend. I do believe in the existence of an elitist group of individuals that want to centre power in their social circles, which essentially comes with power and the need to hold on to it.

If you’ve had the privilege to listen to hip hop or even had an argument with a religious person, you must have heard of the idea of selling your soul to the devil. The first time I heard this notion, I had one question. Who evaluates the value of my soul? Is it valuated at the time of selling or is it dependent on potential? And, is it renegotiable? Personally, I believe we all sell our souls to something at different points in our lives. It’s not a one time transaction. And I believe that if I sell my soul I should be able to renegotiate at any particular time depending on my potential.

Drug addicts sell their souls to different forms of drugs for different reasons. Some want to escape reality, which honestly is becomes too tough at some point. Others want to build a reality. Some simply want fit in or prove something. In my world, the use of devil is metaphoric. Who is the devil? In my definition, the devil is any decision that makes you lose your principles to gain something. Work can be the devil for you.

Picture this. Tim is a mid-level company CEO, with a wife and two lovely kids (OK, I’m not sure if the kids are lovely or not). He spends most of his time at work and barely gets to see his kids and wife. Over time, Tim resigns from his job and starts a small business. He is now able to spend time with his family. He realizes his son is always in his room and his daughter is never present. He could’ve asked his wife, but she’s barely in the house either.

Technically, Tim lost his family over work. Would blame Tim for providing everything but his presence to his family? However you look at it, Tim sold his soul to his work and lost his family in the process. The Illuminati does exist and we’ve all fallen prey to it. Our vices, habits, needs and wants are the driving factors. People describe the illuminati as a secret society, but what’s so different about it compared to religions?

Religion encourages you to join but doesn’t encourage you to question the doctrines it operates on. Illuminati apparently allows you to join, but doesn’t allow you to divulge its secrets. Any society or group that needs you to give up a part of your life in order to get another is essentially the illuminati. It’s only that one offers immediate results while others offer the promise of future rewards.

The question I always ask myself is what determines which route I follow? Should I give up the chance to live comfortably on earth for the opportunity to live miserably in the afterlife or should I suffer on earth await my rewards in the afterlife. It comes down to a simple issue: When do I want to suffer? Depending on how good you have it or how desperate you are, you’ll make a decision based on your situation.

Selling your soul has nothing to do with literally giving out your soul to someone or something. It’s a matter of giving another party the opportunity to pull the cord whenever they feel it necessary. Take rappers for example, who for some reason are the most affected by the illuminati scourge. When you listen to all the claims from these rappers it boils down to music promotion and bad record deals.

Any rapper that falls off the radar after being hot for a minute blames the illuminati and any rapper that stays hot for a minute has people attributing his or her success to the illuminati. To some extent it’s true. Promoters, record label moguls and top Djs want you to kiss ass or get on your knees for airtime and the road you choose technically determines your level of success in the industry.

On the other hand, we have seen rappers without any major record label deal making it big simply because of their strategy and business models. Nippsey Hussle, Techn9ne and Slim Thug are just a few of such kind of artists. When most of these rappers come out all guns blazing on the illuminati, it’s usually as a result of them turning down something they felt would jeopardize their street cred or was against their principles.

I’m one who always judges depending on how people present their arguments and how well they can factually defend these statements. So, I won’t throw stones at anyone for selling their soul for a few dollars as long as it’s not something that will in turn affect people who weren’t involved in the deal. You know why you need that money now and if you can sell your soul and keep it as that, I’ll gladly take you to your auction.

My problem is having people busy talking about morals and they aren’t any different. Whether you’re a religious person, atheist, agnostic or whatever other option there is, your life is your sole business. We all have different needs and wants are different points in our lives. If selling my soul for two years will keep me comfortable for the rest of my life, where’s the problem in that? If suffering on earth and enjoying my afterlife is my idea of salvation, so be it.

Never be quick to throw stones at any house; glass or stone. Before you do, always remember, religion tells you to give your life to a supernatural being, either physically or metaphorically. The illuminati asks you to give up a part of your life for gratification on earth. It’s a give and take situation between both and every man knows the weight they can carry on their back.

You have sold your soul for something at one point in your life. Remember that, “I’ll do anything for this” moment in your life. The illuminati presents itself in different forms, you just need to know what’s worth it and what’s not worth it. It also depends on how much you can handle in life and your preparedness to deal with the consequences of your decisions. Also, could you by any chance know where I can get oversize Damani Dada shorts?

Can you hear me?

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Hi God,

I’m sure you know who it is so I don’t need to introduce myself. From what I’ve heard and read, sources say you’re omniscient. I bet you already know what I was going to write about. I’ve fallen into the habit of writing letters so I couldn’t forget to write to the man with the biggest following. I have a lot of issues and most of them actually concern you. I’m certain you don’t mind my inquisition, that’s probably what made the first church stand strong to date.

Recently I’ve come under a lot of fire. I’ve been called everything from confused to an atheist. Do you think I have no beliefs? I asked you questions before but you never seem to answer my concerns, it’s like you suddenly became a celebrity; all you have is, “No comment.” A lot of people will talk, say that I’m starting to lose it, but if you gave me the brain to think, why are your people castigating me for using it?

The people you sent came over to my land and called my people heathens. A primitive people. A society without beliefs. Do you really think my people had no beliefs? The mountains, the trees, lakes and everything that naturally came to be as a result of your magnificence? I asked someone a question and she told me I’m too confused for life. When people pray to you and it works, that counts as a blessing, but when they pray to others and get, it’s termed as evil?

Sometimes I wish everything was as simple as following the Ten Commandments. In that case, I’d easily allow myself to see out my life under the same laws but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m taught about forgiveness every now then. Hell, I even give fourth chances to people who screw me over and they still do the same thing. So how come you can’t do the same? You are the ultimate being, so technically, you have power over Lucifer. Why do we need to suffer over something you can easily bring an end to?

Can’t you just forgive him? I’m simply a human being, what power do I have over a spirit? The same spirit that was almost as big as you in terms of hierarchy if I may add. The cardinal commandment is to love your brother as you love yourself. Does that only apply to humans? I do my best to always accommodate people but it’s very hard when religion teaches me otherwise. The pastor says don’t judge but judges me because of my friends. What is the ideal Christian life?

I bet you already know most people think I’m an agnostic, atheist or pagan. You know me better though, you created me. You gave me a mind and with that I was supposed to use to analyze everything I’m taught and make conscious decisions. This is me analyzing everything and pointing out what I feel doesn’t add up. I want to believe everything but the people doing your job aren’t doing much to convince me otherwise.

What’s a church? The people? The building? The belief? Me? One way or another everyone has their own interpretation of what the church is. I’m not a model Christian but I bet I live my life openly enough. The Catholics told me drinking alcohol wasn’t wrong as long as I didn’t get drunk. The Protestants judge me for seeing me in a bar. Should I cut off the people I consider friends just because religion doesn’t agree with them? Or should I try to make show them better?

Where do we draw the line? From the little Christian education I received I learnt that no sin is greater than the other. Theoretically, I would agree but technically, that’s a far fetched idea. In the bible, same sex relationship is frowned upon but we have gay bishops. Selfishness is discouraged but we have religious leaders making a living out of the desperate. Who is fooling who?

The Christian faith is built on the model of Jesus Christ. If anything I read was correct, Jesus led a very humble life and encouraged his followers to do the same. So where did the prosperity gospel come from? The more you have is as a result of giving. Who comes up with these things? Why do we have pastors on the Forbes list? Pastors are living in mansions but preaching to people in the slums. Does a pastor have to fly in a G5 to talk to you?

It’s getting really confusing when pastors and politicians lead the same lifestyle. Blessings are equated to wealth. I thought our riches lay in heaven? I barely go to church nowadays. I don’t think you’ll hear me better simply because there’re hundreds of us congregated. I have my own special needs and the way I communicate them to you is all tailored to my preferences. So why is it a big deal if I don’t go to church? Is my presence more important than my belief?

I come from the school of thought of doing good and expecting nothing in return. That gives me satisfaction as an individual. You probably knew some day would come when the church would be watered down to fit individual interests. I’m not a father yet but I want my kids to grow in the knowledge of thinking as individuals in a group. I won’t deny them the chance to make their own decisions. I’ll introduce them to religion and they can decide whether religion cuts it for them or it doesn’t.

Everyone talking about selling souls and I’m a little bit confused. If I sell my soul, can you redeem it? I tend to think, selling your soul is a figurative term but people always blow things out of proportion. A soul is your inner self, right? My inner self is the values and principles I have I guess. So doesn’t selling my soul refer to compromising my principles for a certain form of gain? And where do I draw the line? If I’m selling my soul to save a soul, does that make it any more justifiable?

You created us so you know we’re all different in our own ways. I can deny myself some pleasures because that’s who I am as an individual but what happens to my brother who can’t do the same? Why does the world have to judge him using my standards? You had it all right in the beginning in my opinion. When your son died and the religion that is Christianity was born, things took a little bit of a twist. Jesus mingled with the masses but his followers have isolated themselves from society.

Right now I haven’t been to church in a number of years. What action is more important; being seen in church or doing good? Every day it becomes more unclear because to everyone it seems like congregating is the ultimate act of Christianity. I’m not into the name calling just because it sounds good to the ear or people will look at me in a different light. I always try to remain true to myself. I’d rather be an honest sinner than a sinning saint. You get me?

I hope you aren’t tired of reading my letter. I try to maintain my etiquette every time I’m addressing you or anyone I hold in high regard. So every question I’m raising is because I see a reason to believe. But what good is belief if I can’t convince anyone why I believe? People continuously tell me I shouldn’t do it for other people, but if it wasn’t for other people, would I be doing it now? Everything I do is because I want to have an impact, especially if it’s something I believe. So when a group that was formed on the basis of followership claims individuality I get more confused.

I’m not sure if this is what you had envisioned during creation but as my mum always says, “God also changed. He doesn’t wear the robes he used to any more, he now rocks shorts.” Religion is becoming too dynamic for me so when I sit out some of these changes at least you understand I’d rather be principled in my misery that give myself hope on another person’s riches. I hope you won’t be pissed at me and you’ll help me better understand why I am who I am.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Son of a rant

Tears

Tears know no boundaries
Tears know no boundaries

Tears speak of more than sadness,

Tears speak of passion,

Tears speak of gratefulness,

Tears speak of joy,

But tears also speak of pain.


I shed a tear,

Blissful that people care,

Humanity is alive and well,

Outstretched arms,

All willing to lend a hand.


I shed a tear for the past,

The people that fought for justice,

Only for the just to manipulate justice,

To justify taking a life,

In the name of protecting justice.


I shed a tear for freedom,

Freedom of speech,

Freedom to enjoy peace,

Freedom of information,

Why did freedom have to die so young?


I shed tear for compassion,

One hand with a flower,

The other with a machete,

Why hide your intentions?

Do you want to help or look helpful?


I shed a tear of joy,

Joyful that the kids are happy,

Happy to grow,

And show the love they were shown,

I’m happy to be alive.

Letter to my Unborn

Sometimes you just want space,

 Space to breath,

 But someone keeps you under water,

How do you survive on that little air?

 When the person who is putting you through this,

 Is someone you put all your faith in?

            A person you swore to always protect,

 Well, that’s life.

We make decisions hastily,

 And regret making them,

This is a letter to my unborn.


Do you love because you love?

Or do you love because it’s right to love?

And is it me ?

Or that which I have?

These questions are not for me,

They are for him,

Or her,

That is yet to be conceived,

Physically and psychologically,

They’ll need an answer,

If not today,

At some point in life,

A prepared mind begets more,

A dissuaded one little,

This is a letter to my unborn.


I picked you over the rest,

I saw them in you,

Not in your womb,

With your face and smile,

Your laughter,

Your touch,

Our humour,

So when I ask,

Think deeply of your answer,

This is not a commitment,

It’s a new life,

A new routine,

A new reason to be alive,

Commitments can be broken,

But to take your own life,

You must have suffered a great deal,

So as you think of your answer,

Remember,

This is a letter to my unborn.


To my son,

I have tried my best to prepare myself for you,

I want to be the best to you,

Teach you how to love,

Not just yourself,

Or individuals,

But life,

Teach you how to wade,

Not in water, but through life’s storms,

Make you understand how to survive,

It’s not about the fittest anymore,

For even Hercules and Samson failed,

Be smart,

Intelligent,

Know that you are wise,

Not because you think the most,

But because you understand,

I took time from my simple schedule,

To write this,

To you,

This is a letter to my unborn.


To my daughter,

I hear your silvery voice,

The touch of your tiny hands,

Look into your crystalline eyes,

There for your first steps,

Your first words,

Losing your first tooth,

Your first day of school,

And your graduation,

To see you grow not into your mother,

But into you,

A different lady,

A person who commands respect and love,

Not verbally,

But simply by her aura,

I have loved you even before you are born,

And I will love you after,

I write this down for you,

This is a letter to my unborn.


I’ve had you in me,

Pushing for your opportunity,

I believe it is your time,

To know and be known,

A past so bleak,

A future so bright,

This is your time to shine,

To illuminate the world,

I have had my fair share,

Failures and successes,

Good times and bad ones,

Friends and foes,

Plentiful and scarcity,

But I have overcome them time and again,

To my future self,

The future starts today,

The future is now,

The dream and potential I had,

Are now a reality and an opportunity,

Till I see you,

This is a letter to my unborn.