Category Archives: Sentimental

When I’m feeling all Don Juan and all

Life, all you’ve got

One of the scariest moments has to be feeling your pockets and can’t seem to find your phone. Your heart skipping a beat is an understatement. It will leap over walls and crash into your knees. More often than not you find your phone and enjoy those 15 seconds of your heart calibrating back to normalcy.

But sometimes, that’s not the case. You do your best to locate your phone and can’t seem to find it. It takes a while to accept and move on but you eventually do. Your phone is one of your most prized possessions. Not because of its value or aesthetics but simply because of the secrets and moments you’ve shared.

That’s why it almost always with you. Has a password. A wallpaper that speaks to you. Apps customized to your liking. It’s personal and nobody will ever get what the two of you share. Sometimes your phone is someone. A person you have grown fond of. Someone you love, cherish and want nothing but the best for.

Sadly, life follows the same path. You sometimes do things without thinking you may hurt or lose the person you cherish. That temporary loss can be anything from a break-up with someone you are in a relationship with to doing something strains the relationship you have with a loved one. It’s not permanent. There’s still an opportunity for you to make amends and straighten things out.

At other times, it’s the lost phone and you can’t salvage anything. You can cuss, cry, vent but it’ll never find its way back into your pocket. People are the most valuable assets beside time that we misuse. They say you never miss what you’ve got till it’s gone. That statement couldn’t be any more true.

A cycle technically means going back to where it started. Life starts and ends. You can see death coming from a mile away but nobody will ever prepare you for its impact when it hits. Death is a good and bad thing. It takes away suffering from one person and shifts it to another. The bright side is that you have time to get over loss. There’s no specified duration.

The reality is that grief is a personal experience. No matter how many people used your phone, they may never understand how it feels to lose it. You are never alone but you’re on your own. There’ll be those that will you see you through it all. Those that will walk you through it. But none that will feel the drag of getting through it.

It may seem like the world has suddenly forgotten but don’t take it to heart. The world has its own problems, it can only do so much. Take heart in the fact that tomorrow may be a better day. If not, the next day and the sequence continues. Always remember you hold your destiny in your hands, others can only help you achieve it.

You grieve in your own way and dictate the terms when it comes to getting over it. The most important thing is to appreciate the people around you. In time, all that will be left are memories and if you can’t get the best then you lost value for your time.

For anyone that has experienced loss, time is all you have. Time to accept. Time to heal. Time to pick up the pieces. Time to appreciate. Time to remember. Time to love. Time is all we’ve got.
RIP Herina ‘Nyarkodongo’ Oyugi

When Tides Meet 1of 2

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­“How long is this going to take? I need to be somewhere in the afternoon,” remarked Jaden as the meeting wore on longer than earlier stated. He was meeting a group of investors looking to pump some money into a joint venture but his mind was elsewhere. He was scheduled to meet Kristen at some point in the afternoon

“We’re almost done. I just need to confirm we’re all on the same page before anything kicks off,” replied the chairman as he perused through the last pages of the proposal. Jaden and Kristen had known each other for years. Kristen had been out of the country for a while and even when she came back, would be in a completely different city.

Jaden and Kristen had unnatural chemistry. Despite the distance, they always had a reason to keep in touch. This was the first time in almost a decade they were meeting more than once within two months. The two were set to go for a meet-up at one of Jaden’s friends’ place. This was regular for him but it was something Kristen would not normally do, but chose to. She was a very reserved person.

She was beautiful

Her beauty had levels. You’d see one thing today and the next time you see her; you’d notice something else to intrigue you. She was intelligent and genuine in all her actions. Her smile and composed were very calming to whoever she spoke to. Jaden on the other hand, was nothing close to this. When put on a scale, she would tip the scale in her favour. It was like beauty and the beast, only that beast didn’t own a mansion in this case. But they individually had reasons to keep in contact.

By the time Jaden had confirmed what time he was to meet up with Kristen, there was a football game on. He was an ardent football fan and Kristen, though not a sports fan herself, was supportive of this. All the time he was watching the game, he still wasn’t sure inviting her was the best decision because his friends were nothing remotely close to what she was used to.

They were the complete opposite. Loud, lived life on the edge and always had something silly to say about someone. He wasn’t so worried as to what they’d say but how she would perceive it. Things were going on the football front so he was calming down as time wore on. His friend picked him up in the late evening and they headed to where Kristen was staying.

“Hey, I’m outside,” said Jaden as soon as he got to her place. “Already? Ok, I’ll be out shortly,” she replied. After what seemed like a mini eternity, she emerged. “I hope this is ok. And I won’t be making someone at the venue angry, will I? A lady perhaps?” Jaden as always, was underwhelming in his dressing with jeans, a sweater and sandals. She on the other hand, looked like a gem. A black dress that was slightly above her knee, stockings and to cap it off, a Barcelona jacket, just in case it got cold or the team won.

The drive to their destination wasn’t long and on arrival, Kristen was almost taking for the hills but she barely knew her bearings from there.  They made their way into the house after a quick round of introductions. Kristen and Jaden got comfortable in one part of the living room area and got lost in their own conversation. The two had a lot to say to each other but didn’t know how to express it. They would easily talk about anything, but barely scratched the surface about their feelings for each other.

Jaden was confused

“So, what are you thinking?” Asked Kristen. “About what exactly?” Responded Jaden. “You know what I mean. You’re a smart guy and don’t need me to spell everything out for you.” She said with a smile on her face. They had for long, harboured their feelings from each other because of the fear of the unknown. What of it didn’t work? What if they became too comfortable and started looking outside for happiness? It was a myriad of questions that had no definite answers.

“I don’t know. I…I…I think I just want to be with you and that’s it.” Jaden muttered. This was a topic none of them were prepared to talk about but they decided to. “You don’t have to though. I don’t want you to hate me. Sometimes when you get something you’ve wanted for so long, you lose interest in it. You can be with someone else, no pressure at all.” She amid chatters from Jaden’s friend’s outside the house.

“I’d rather take the risk I guess,” Jaden replied before she pulled him closer and plated a light kiss on his cheek. At this point he wasn’t sure of what to do. He simply held her tight and lingered in the moment thinking of what could be. “Go now. Your friends are probably waiting for you.” She whispered with her bright smile.

He hesitated for a few minutes and went out but was back on the couch with her shortly afterwards. It was as if any minute lost that could be spent with her would never be recovered. Technically that was true because her time in the country was limited and they had to make it count. It was very late into the night and with everybody still up, they cosied up on the couch waiting on one or the other to fall asleep.

“Ey, the room upstairs is ready. You guys can go sleep,” blurted out Viola as she gestured to her room. She was the host and would do the most to make us comfortable. They gathered everything they had, which was Kristen’s purse and phone. They got to the room and lay on the bed facing each other.

“I came here with answers and now I’m even more confused.” Said Kristen. Jaden ran his hands across her face and replied, “Emotion has no logic.”

Such is Life

Freedom works best for the free,

And the free and not necessarily free,

We are bound by promises,

Shackled by lies and deceit,

But such is life.


At times freedom is painful,

You have to let go,

Give another life,

At your own expense,

But such is life.


Do not cry for me,

For I will not do the same,

Trust is not always rewarded with loyalty,

Sometimes, it begets betrayal,

But such is life.


Live well and do good,

Expect nothing in return,

Be welcoming but be cautious,

Those you sleep with can stab you,

Because such is life.

When love hurts

Sometimes I’m indecisive,

I like you then forget you,

It’s never about me,

Sometimes it’s you,

We still have time.


You ignite a flame inside me,

At times it’s warm,

At other times it burns me,

I got used to it,

I have nothing but time.


Will you ever leave me?

Is this love or something like it?

Your confidence turned to arrogance,

I can’t tell if you don’t know or are ignorant,

It’s time we sat down.


You talk about love,

Like it a commodity at the store,

Put in your shopping cart,

And return it if you can’t afford it,

Did you forget about our time together?


Is the art bigger than the artist?

What if the trade stifles the trader?

What happens when love kills the lover?

Takes the very essence of its existence,

And time is all you have.


They said I’d be free in love,

But I lost more than I gained,

But love is about sacrifices, right?

You give and expect nothing in return,

But what about my time?

 

When time is all you have

Time is one resource I have grown to appreciate as I grew older. I grew up in those homes where a holiday was travelling to my grandma’s and my uncle’s and cousins would bring their kids along. Over time it became a norm and I would always say to myself, “When I’m done with school and get my own job, I’m done with this!” Those were honest thoughts from a child and I would openly let my mother know how I felt.

A few years into university, I would find myself asking my relatives when we’d be going home. One thing I have come to appreciate in adulthood is growth. I have progressed both in age and maturity and with different interactions; I realize I’ve had it good. Do you know how many people would have wanted to know their relatives, let alone spend time with them? I always make a point of meeting with my relatives at least once a week and we’ve grown to look at each other as one.

Why did I choose to write this today? Well, a very good friend of mine suffered a loss this week. This is a guy I trusted with my money in high school and even to date we still keep in contact and he’s a brother to me. He lost his father and I can’t put into words what he felt because I know he adored his father and so did those of us who got a chance to meet him. I last saw him in December at Pete’s graduation party and you could tell this was a man proud of his son.

I’ll share with you what a very wise man once shared with me, “Emotion has no logic.” You can never rationalize what anyone feels and how they react to loss. This is probably the hardest time for anyone when you know you have to say goodbye and it’s the final time. Society has made us believe that men shouldn’t cry. I suffer from this misconception and that is what pushed me to writing. I found solace in pouring my soul on a pad at first and now my blog is my napkin, soaking in all my emotions.

There’s no logical way to dealing with a loss. If crying gets the pain off your chest, cry. There’s no weakness in emotion. It only shows you’re capable of love, which makes you a human. I don’t know how my brother is dealing with his pain but I know he’ll get through it. I’m not going to be religious and say he’s in a better place.

The best place to be is with the people that love you and that is at home. I’ve experienced my losses before and I’ve always found a way to deal with the pain depending on the intensity of the loss. No two people will ever experience the same emotions even if they share a loss. It is all relative to the relationship and affinity you had towards the person you’ve lost.

All I can say is time is what you have. You have time to grieve. Let out the emotions of losing a man that meant the world to you. Let nobody tell you to be strong. Take your time and come to terms with the situation. Take time to remember everything you learnt from him and appreciate every minute you spent with him supporting different London clubs.

Remember every moment he would come to Moi Forces Academy to visit you and support you when Chemistry and Math had us for breakfast, break, lunch and dinner. Remember how proud he was when he delivered a speech during your graduation and the look in his eyes when his little boy became a man academically. Take your time to fetch all the good memories because there are more of the good memories than the sad ones.

Take time to plan ahead and know you have to make your own shoes and not try to fit in to his shoes. This is the time to apply every life lesson the old man taught you. Time is all you have now to make your dad more proud than you already have. This is the time we come in as friends and let you know your loss is our loss.

You only have time Pete. This is the time to do deal with what is happening in your life right now; time to do emulate Mr. Romanus and be the man we’ve always known you to be. I can never fully comprehend what you feel but I know what you’re capable of and you can only come back ready to conquer the world.

I’m sorry for the loss of your old man and pass my heartfelt condolences to you, Bella, your elder sisters, mother and family.

 

Home

Mama, where’s papa?

He said he’d be back yesterday,

And why can’t I play with Aziz?

He’s been sleeping for too long,

When are we going home?


Everything is ok my son,

Papa will join us,

He’s making tomorrow better,

Aziz is tired,

Let him rest, he’s home.


What about school?

I already did my homework,

I learnt about addition,

But I don’t understand division,

Is it time to go home yet?


We’ll go home my son,

Division is simple,

Distribute according to need,

Share without greed,

Time to go home will come.


Who are these mummy?

What do those signs mean?

What does immigrant mean?

Are the guns to protect us?

Or is it like home?


These are friends my boy,

Worry not about the signs,

The guns won’t keep you awake,

We’re here to make a start,

We are home now.


You told me this was home,

But is it really home?

They mock my accent,

Call me a terrorist,

Will we ever be at home?


They try my son,

We are strangers to them,

Make yourself at home,

But don’t forget your home,

Till we find our way home.

Letter to my Unborn

Sometimes you just want space,

 Space to breath,

 But someone keeps you under water,

How do you survive on that little air?

 When the person who is putting you through this,

 Is someone you put all your faith in?

            A person you swore to always protect,

 Well, that’s life.

We make decisions hastily,

 And regret making them,

This is a letter to my unborn.


Do you love because you love?

Or do you love because it’s right to love?

And is it me ?

Or that which I have?

These questions are not for me,

They are for him,

Or her,

That is yet to be conceived,

Physically and psychologically,

They’ll need an answer,

If not today,

At some point in life,

A prepared mind begets more,

A dissuaded one little,

This is a letter to my unborn.


I picked you over the rest,

I saw them in you,

Not in your womb,

With your face and smile,

Your laughter,

Your touch,

Our humour,

So when I ask,

Think deeply of your answer,

This is not a commitment,

It’s a new life,

A new routine,

A new reason to be alive,

Commitments can be broken,

But to take your own life,

You must have suffered a great deal,

So as you think of your answer,

Remember,

This is a letter to my unborn.


To my son,

I have tried my best to prepare myself for you,

I want to be the best to you,

Teach you how to love,

Not just yourself,

Or individuals,

But life,

Teach you how to wade,

Not in water, but through life’s storms,

Make you understand how to survive,

It’s not about the fittest anymore,

For even Hercules and Samson failed,

Be smart,

Intelligent,

Know that you are wise,

Not because you think the most,

But because you understand,

I took time from my simple schedule,

To write this,

To you,

This is a letter to my unborn.


To my daughter,

I hear your silvery voice,

The touch of your tiny hands,

Look into your crystalline eyes,

There for your first steps,

Your first words,

Losing your first tooth,

Your first day of school,

And your graduation,

To see you grow not into your mother,

But into you,

A different lady,

A person who commands respect and love,

Not verbally,

But simply by her aura,

I have loved you even before you are born,

And I will love you after,

I write this down for you,

This is a letter to my unborn.


I’ve had you in me,

Pushing for your opportunity,

I believe it is your time,

To know and be known,

A past so bleak,

A future so bright,

This is your time to shine,

To illuminate the world,

I have had my fair share,

Failures and successes,

Good times and bad ones,

Friends and foes,

Plentiful and scarcity,

But I have overcome them time and again,

To my future self,

The future starts today,

The future is now,

The dream and potential I had,

Are now a reality and an opportunity,

Till I see you,

This is a letter to my unborn.