I woke up like this! Thoughtful

Today is just one of those days I had to sit myself down and write myself a letter. I’m I the only person who has intra conversations? Ask yourself questions and beat yourself up because you know you could have done better? Well, I’m at that point in my life and I have nobody to talk to so I share with myself. Sounds crazy, right? I guess every market needs its mad man for entertainment.

I’m getting my life on track and I really can’t say I’ve fallen off because I had no goal to start with. My benchmark is my previous achievements. Does that limit my ambition or does it make me realistic? I’m at the age where my friends are fathering kids, giving birth or posting photos on holidays. I can’t say it doesn’t get to me at times. I usually ask myself, “What I’m I doing wrong?”

Reality always seems to come to my rescue and smack me back to my senses. We all say we don’t do anything to please anyone so why would other people’s lifestyles bother me? Why I’m not in a relationship or haven’t been in one for years? To be honest, I don’t know. To others, there’s something wrong with me. I was either hurt or hate commitment, but it’s neither. I’m alone just because I like it.

What’s self-assessment? Is it not about re-evaluating your past self in comparison to your new self? Well, I like my old self. I like the me that didn’t care about who had the shiniest watch or who got paid more than who. Yeah, you’re probably wondering what I’m I going on about? I’m going on about life. What value do you attach to life?

These aren’t formative years for me. I don’t even believe in formative years as a human being. Why do I need to be tied down to a timeline I was consulted in scheduling? Shouldn’t I have exclusive authority to decide when my formative years should be? I shouldn’t be tied down to people’s expectations of what I should be doing. What do you mean what I’m I doing with my life? Isn’t living and appreciating every other day doing something with my life?

The problem with the world is that people want to compare people who were exposed to different environments. I cannot be my father. As much as there is transfer of genes, it’s not CTRL+C, CTRL+V. I cannot be what my parents are. I also cannot be that kid you look up to as a teacher. Look at me as a unique person and you’ll be on a long journey to understand that I cannot and will not be whoever you want me to be.

The internet has brought about standard regulators from all corners. You’re not wife material if you do this. You are a fuckboy because of this and that. What makes your wife material my wife material? Maybe I like them tough like khaki or soft like satin. You see, the thing about these standards is that they come from a point of want rather than experience. When you say I’m a fuckboy because I can’t do certain things I’m not accustomed to, then what makes you any different from me? Other than gender of course.

When choosing a girlfriend or wife (some people marry before dating) you have your own expectations. Some look at physical beauty, some look at intelligence, others personality (What you call inner beauty) and others just go for the person they find first. Someone worships that wife material you say is trash. One man’s whore is another man’s saint (Ask that prophet in the bible who had to marry a harlot).

The world will always try and determine how you should live your life. You always need to remember that you’re a unique individual and you should always communicate that. It’s hard not to want to impress someone and as much as we deny it, we all try to impress someone. It’s not wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The only problem is losing your principles and dignity trying to impress someone.

Live your life like you are royalty. If you’re a Christian, the bible tells you you’ve been created in the image and likeness of God so technically; you are a god in your own right and deserve to treat yourself as such. It’s the case of the argument that most billionaires don’t have university or college education. The sad bit is that the people that run their companies are all college or university educated. So you can’t rely on one person’s life story to base yours.

Create your own path and start your own story. Pioneers were never pioneers when they started off. Most of them were either laughed at or looked at as dimwits for taking their own path. You have to be willing to take the risk to be able to enjoy what those you aspire to be live. Like Kanye;  he always does the wrong things in our eyes but doesn’t give one hoot. Except marrying Kim, that will bit bite him forever or be a finger in ll the wrong places. Personally, I don’t have a role model or a mentor. I look at everyone exclusively and through their lives I’m able to pick what I can do better and what to leave out.

Don’t be afraid of being weird. You should be more afraid of being normal because that means you’re conforming and losing the true essence of who you are. Nobody will ever appeal to everyone. Obama had black people opposing his presidency in 2008. Hitler had people who loved him for who he was, so your level of weird will always have people who’ll hate it and people who’ll ride with you. You just need to do what makes you comfortable (And no, I’m not saying Hitler was right for what he did. I barely know the guy). This doesn’t mean you should break the law or anything of the sort, unless it’s taking soup with a fork; that is a law you can break any time. If you take soup with a fork, you are past any law. You are the law.

Everyone has their outlook of life and it certainly doesn’t apply to everyone but there are a few things you can pick from everyone’s mantra that will help you make life more enjoyable. The true meaning of life is in taking everyday as it comes and always striving to be the best you can be. I don’t know where I got all this all this wisdom but I trust myself so I suggest you also do the same. Otherwise, has any of you seen a lost cat somewhere? The type of girl I’m looking for likes heroes and you can’t beat rescuing a homeless cat.

You’ve probably fallen in love at some point in your life or had a feeling that felt something close to love. It’s normal even if you don’t admit it. I have felt this way about someone or two before in my life before and I have never kept it a secret that if I fall in love I’m the break a leg a kind. I enjoy every moment of it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not an expert when it comes to love or intimate relationships but I know plenty about how humans relate. All this is purely from  observation and socialization.

The question is can I love more than one person at one time? Even in love there are things you don’t like about the person you love. If I can have more than one kid and love them equally, what makes it so different when it comes to an adult? Don’t run away beautiful girl, these are all hypothetical questions and I’m not assured of finding two females that I can love.

Every individual is unique in their own right. Even identical twins have very distinct behaviours and tendencies. For the people that watch football, you know there’s a reason you may be a Manchester United fanatic but still appreciate the way Arsenal goes about their football. I actually do appreciate the way Arsenal has been playing this season.

So when I meet you at the club and I say hi, I still don’t know you. There are four different scenarios that may take place. One, I may convince you or you may want to go home with me. I prefer taking you home because at your place there are all types of shenanigans that may go down. Your sponsor may walk in even before I bust my morning nut and I’d have to hide with your malnourished puppy under the bed. I may also meet a girl I know there, or better yet, an aunt. There are too many risks involved.

Two, I may take you number and we’ll get to know each over days or weeks depending on how much you can keep a conversation going. And yes, a guy can sleep with you and the first night and not call you ever or even take your number. He can also fall in love. It’s not a Science that has a theory behind it.  Three I may take you number and lose interest within the first week. It’s never personal, you’ve seen things that caught your attention but you forgot as soon as you walked out the store.

Lastly, I can take your number and never use it. Those are the random calls you get after 4 months and a guy is trying to remind you of the time you were in a dress that used to fit you. Why I’m I telling you about these scenarios? Well, I still don’t know but I thought I’d forget so this was one of the only ways to document them.

I like girls for different reasons. Some girls have billboard faces and that’s what appeals to me at that time. Other girls have artistic bodies and I’m a sucker for curves, hopefully it’s not around your abdomen or face. Some girls are very intelligent and you can engage them on a variety of topics without losing interest at any given point. Some girls were raised in amusement parks and can do things you see on pornhub only. At times, they come with a combination of these skills.

As a human with a very timid level of concentration, I adopt to the conditions I find myself in. Do I intend to hurt these girls? Of course not. I’m a decent guy who drinks out of a glass and pee on all the stains in the toilet. I’m not very sure of the physiological or psychological composition of the human so I can’t say men were wired that way. I’ve met girls who have sex with men for fun and I know most men can separate their emotions from sex so it gets a bit tricky.

The problem arises when you use emotion to get sex. Flattery and flirting isn’t emotion ladies. I’m talking about the guys who promise ladies their parents will be receiving a flock of cattle and birds by the end of the year. Now that is wrong. There are two things you do when you use such techniques to get a girl to bed. You distort her stand on men and that can work in two ways. She’ll despise men or will throw herself at the next guy and thereafter to fill the void you left.

When you use emotion to get sex, you not only mess the girl up, you mess up for people like us who haven’t settled yet. I don’t want to fix your mistakes son. These are the kind of girls that want to check up on everything I’m doing and accompany everywhere just because they don’t trust men to walk alone. The way dogs are treated nowadays. What happened to dogs having the freedom to associate and bite whoever they pleased? I don’t want to be on a leash. That’s what you do boy when you tell her you love her just to get in her pants.

Again, ladies, when you say men are dogs; that’s a compliment to some of us because dogs are known to be very loyal. And DMX made calling your homies dogs very cool. He even barks in his songs and has a signature growl. Do you girls love dogs? I’ve always advocated for separation of issues. What one guy or lady does to you is not a representation of an entire species. We aren’t in a cult, so unless you’re dating someone in a cult; then don’t expect the same treatment from people who aren’t in your cult.

Whatever attracts you to one person or more, depending on the size of your heart, is custom tailored. Have you heard that you should never try solving a problem between two lovers? You’ll end up taking one party’s side and when things work out, you’ll be the asshole that almost messed up a good thing. Keep out and let the courts or people who were involved in the marriage negotiations sort it out.

I may just have given you life’s hack to relationships and I haven’t even been able to sustain a stable internet connection for an hour straight. Something about prophets not being accepted at home. In other news, I got Netflix. So, I’m not really a screen freak and prefer to look at people in the face than watch movies or series. It’s a good thing though. I finally watched the full Hangover movie, the first one. I missed the part where Tyson punched Zach Galifianakis. Don’t get it if you haven’t got a girlfriend yet though, because you’ll end up chilling for a decade and wake up old, grey and stuck to your sheets because you had nobody to chill with.


Where’s your daddy?

So the other day I was taking a stroll in the hood and I met this kid. She wasn’t your normal hood kid. No, she didn’t have boogers hanging from her nose or drool from last night’s messy dream tracing her cheek. No, she was clean. She didn’t even have ashy legs or dusty hair. I was very surprised. This was a marvel of nature and if I had a decent phone, I would have recorded her and shot a whole documentary based on her hygiene.

I never talk to kids for a few obvious reasons. The main reason being I have no games on my phone and even if I did I wouldn’t want a kid messing with my high scores and all. The other reason is that kids ask dumb questions and sometimes those questions are genuine. My nephew once asked me, “Uncle, A is for Apple, why is G for S?” My world shuttered, I could hear the song of my people playing and my ancestors laughing in the background. The wind stopped blowing and my flawless hair was no longer worthy of the coastal breeze. I still haven’t found an answer.

So yeah, I decided to face my fears and confront this wonder. So I took a deep breathe, then another one and another one. I still had the previous day’s stale beer on parade despite all my desperate efforts to brush my teeth. “Hi, there missus!” I had this bright smile on my face and hoped she’d reciprocate but she just looked at me once and waved with her brows. Her goddamn brows! Who waves at an adult with brows? The nerve.

Sure, I had nappy hair, shorts on and one of my body arts was showing but I still deserved some respect as a senior member of the pathway. You see, that’s the problem with light skin people; they never know how to show love to dark skins even at a tender age. I was infuriated and at one point in between the five second wave, I might have mentioned that her hair wasn’t real. I still believe it wasn’t real so I never bothered to apologize.

I swallowed my pride and picked up my ego piece by piece though some found their way onto the road never to be found again. I decided to be the bigger man in this race war and politely asked, “Where’s your daddy?” That’s when I knew I’d hit a nerve. She suddenly became all nice and pointed to some dark guy in the salon seated with a fairly hot lady. She was like tea a 10 year old would take. Hot, but not hot enough to burn you.

So yeah, that wasn’t the sperm donor. I just went and told the dad his kid can be hit by car with a cheeky grin on my face. I also saw Stella, you know yourself Stella, with a really beautiful kid that looked just like her only a few filters lighter and she never divulged whether the kid was hers or not. I’ve taken it upon myself to address this issue or story, depending on what end of the photochroma you are.

In the past two years I’ve seen the number of light skin kids on the rise but I’m not really seeing the source. It may be nothing and it may be something, I’m just speculating here. I haven’t made up any theories as to why our pigment-deficient brothers are trying to bring an end to the rise of melanin rich children.

Well, there’s a misconception that foreigners (Nigerians and Congolese men aren’t foreigners m’aam, sit your behind down) are economically endowed. Take this scenario. I like Psys Bar, at least I did until recently and spend an average of Ksh. 2500 every time I go out ( I drink beer and I have no girlfriend or boyfriend just in case you had other ideas). If I was to spend the same amount in Migori, I would be balling out of control. I’d have the Governor’s wife signing bills from my lap.

The same applies to foreigners. If that guy saves $100 every month and comes to Kenya for a week at the end of the year, you definitely are going to feel that bill. Why IPSOS hasn’t done this research should be a cause for research. This would be a great topic for social research (You’re welcome research student).

I haven’t impregnated any girl yet, accidentally or intentionally. However, whether you were trapped which is still baffling to me or had a contraceptive one size too small or ejaculated with the force of 1000 men, you need to take responsibility for your kid. And before you start defending yourself, remember what the three wise men in the bible said, “If the shoe fits, you still have to buy it because it may not be yours.”

I had the privilege of knowing both my parents and I can’t take that for granted. Moms have different reasons for not introducing their kids to the dads. Some men refused to take responsibility, others are fathers elsewhere, others aren’t supposed to be fathers but father kids in secrecy and some reasons are just selfish but there’s always a reason. Is it something right to do? I don’t know, may be the kid will turn out just fine or he or she may be a mess.

There’s a theory that was developed by a wise man, Theeone Potter called the Theory of Separation. The theory states that, Every action is relative to its environment and thus should be treated exclusively. Every kid as false as this might sound needs a father figure in their life. Your brother might be cool and have a beard but at one point, a kid needs to know who the father is. And don’t impute things in their mind. If your kid wants to forgive the father, let them and if not, that’s up to them.

I’ve had many discussions with different people and I notice that some adults still have the same notions their parents passed on to them. Kids who grew up without knowing their fathers, ladies especially, tend to either be very distrustful of men or try to hard to get a man in their life. Again, this is from my own personal experience and I did mention something about separation of issues.

This is not the 20th Century where kids had questions but only parents had the right of response and determined what questions would be asked. Let your kid know who the father is and they’ll make the decision of whether the father needs to be in their life or not. You let them google whatever they want and ask them what they want to eat for dinner so that shouldn’t be a tall order for you.

I won’t go around asking random kids where their fathers are but I think it’s imperative that all mothers make a point to introduce their kids to their fathers. If the guy denies, well and good but at least the kid will know first hand that their dad is fecal-filled butthole. And to all the moms raising kids on their own, you deserve a medal. Every dad who’s taken responsibility for their seed, kudos, keep up the good work. And to you beautiful girl reading this and thinking this might be the father to my fertile eggs, I accept the challenge.

It’s time to make resolutions

Do what you need. Image source: nwn.blogs.com
Do what you need.
Image source: nwn.blogs.com

It’s about that time of the year again when you make resolutions and promise to stop drinking till further notice; which is usually till you get paid or someone makes that “make it drizzle in your cup” call. I haven’t made any resolutions yet. I haven’t drunk alcohol throughout most of December and I can’t categorically claim that I’ve quit consuming the angel’s brew but I may be on my way there.

I’ve never been a resolution kind of guy. What are resolutions anyway? I bet designers and programmers can tell you more about resolutions than any random guy you meet in the street. Tear a piece of paper from last year’s diary because you haven’t got a free one yet and note this important point down; it may save your life. There are only two resolutions you can make; don’t make any resolution or make a resolution to keep your resolutions.

Which option would I go for? I go for the former. I don’t make any resolutions and I can tell you that’s the most important decision I made in my life. I’ve never slept better than the day I decided not to make any resolutions. Nowadays I dream in colour (key word is colour), have well-threaded suits and even hang out with girls whose faces I can see. Do you know how refreshing it is to see a girl’s face in your dream?

I’m not being a spoil sport or raining sour sauce on anybody’s parade. Resolutions don’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. There are actual human beings that make resolutions and see them through. I’m talking about fleshy, blood pumping and don’t fart lavender and cherries human beings. I’m not sure what schools they went to or who raised them but these people do exist and I laud them at every chance I get.

I read somewhere that every minute of planning saves you 10 minutes in execution. So that means if I plan for an hour, I would have saved very many hours in future. So even if you don’t see your resolutions you’ve slashed a few minutes from next year’s resolution setting ceremony. What have you resolved to do this year? Lose some weight because your skinny friend looks better in tights? Lighten your skin because dark skin stores too much energy and you’re a chilled guy?

Maybe those resolutions are too basic for you. Are you going big this year? Buy a new car because your friend drives a car he got on loan? Move into a 2 bedroom you can’t afford because you’re tired of having breakfast in bed? Date a bad bitch because she looks good on Instagram? I’m not good at resolutions so I’m running out of options here. Is there anything wrong with the aforementioned actions? Absolutely not! Why should your skin colour hold you back from getting the guy you want or making your big break in a Congolese band?

I made a resolution not to make any New Year resolutions for various reasons. The main reason is that I live everyday. Why should I wait 365 and a quarter days just to decide what I want to do? What’s with the quarter day? And when is this day? I need to show it to my boss just in case it falls on a weekday. Can’t I just wake up and start over on a random Wednesday? Do my resolutions have to be made on the 31st or 1st to have a major impact?

Isn’t there more to life? If you’ve read my blog before you probably know I’m not too religious but don’t castigate people for their faith either. But there’s more to life than a year. There are hours, days, weeks and months. You shouldn’t have to wait 52 weeks to decide you’re going to find a husband or wife. Wake up and be the person you want to be perceived as. Gyms aren’t open on the 1st only either.

If you dreamt of success last year, what changes in the remaining 364 days? If you have to make a resolution, why not make them everyday? Making a resolution is the easiest part of the maze. Keeping is the hardest bit. But the difficulty isn’t the issue here. Why are you making that resolution? To please someone? I won’t tell you it’s wrong because whatever we do is usually to gratify another party; whether it’s a supernatural being or a human being. I’m writing this because I hope someone reads it and shares their opinion with me.

What’s the goal of your resolution? Is the person you’re quitting whatever you plan on quitting going to appreciate it? Will you be offended if they don’t appreciate your effort? Or will you break down and fall farther into the pit self pity? When you resolve to love this year, love without expecting anything back and you’ll experience the true essence of love.

You probably weren’t even born on 31st or 1st; not even December or January. So why is it a new year to you? Why don’t you write down those resolutions on your birthday? Technically and literally, that is a new year for you and it’s more personal as compared to a global new year. Your extra weight wasn’t unwrapped on the 26th was it? You’ve probably carried it (or it’s carried you; use as appropriate) throughout the year so there’s no reason to be alarmed at the beginning of the year.

Appreciate every single day for the uniqueness it presents. You’re not going to get a big booty girl on every single birthday. You aren’t going to lose sleep over work everyday. Each day has its own surprises. The secret to enjoying even the little (or much) you possess is in appreciating it. We can’t all be rich and neither can we all be poor so work for what you want but be contented with whatever you have.

I’ve been promising myself I’d learn how to swim from 2009. Last year I just woke up on a random day and asked my friend to teach me how to swim. It was spontaneous and as much as I still don’t trust any level of water where my feet can’t feel the ground; I did something I had purposed to do at the beginning of 5 years but never really saw it through.

That may not be a major achievement because I don’t plan on living near any beach or riverbank in my lifetime, but at least I can hide under water for a few seconds and appear at the other end of the pool (Not the deep side). Most of the actions you wait until the end of the year to set as objectives are not necessarily time bound. It’s not like you’re trying to get a baby so you have specific days to get it done. You can stop drinking alcohol today. You can start losing weight today and hopefully by the time you recover from your brokenness you would have lost some of those extra pounds.

This year take some time out from getting offended at everything you see and keep your emotions in check. These shouldn’t be resolutions but an essential part of life. The lesser you fret about the more enjoyable life is. How do you think I survived almost 9 years in boarding in a public school being skinny? You just learn that not everything is worth responding to and sometimes it’s good to laugh at yourself. Be happy in 2016 and appreciate the simple things in life, like me.