Two sides of a coin

When we talk of double standards, people usually have subjective opinions. In my objective subjectivity, I tried to see who really gets the short end of the stick. Just to make things clear, as long as you have a hold of the stick, you can choose whether to make it short or long. All this mambo jambo of weaker sex and fairer sex is just becoming too much. When we have male looking ladies and teenage girl looking men, we have no business labeling any sex as fairer or weaker.

Well, back to what made me write this post. I was scrolling through the internet looking at intelligent pictures when my eyes caught this posterior. I didn’t want to get a closer look because that would require me to research on who it belonged to and if it was her best shot. Just as I was about to click on it, I saw a comment that made me choke on my mint flavoured saliva (this is not a sponsored post). It read, and I quote, “This one has 103,000 likes. She must be intelligent.” At first I thought, this must be some scholar who doesn’t like ladies posting these bottom pics on the internet. Also, I could smell the sarcasm all the way from her toes.

So, I decided to look into the person who posted it. It indeed was a young scholar. The only bit that shocked me was upon browsing through her timeline, I saw a photo of a beautiful lady. I thought wow! Let me see how many likes this one has. Big mistake. The photo loaded and boom! I’m hit by the picture of a penis. And not a small one that I’d easily ignore and laugh off. No. This was one of those genetically modified ones. It was probably fed on some banned fertilizer and stuff. This got me thinking. What made her look down on the posterior photo and find humour in duping innocent minds into near cardiac arrest?

Well, double standards is the answer. She probably thought that lady with an ass didn’t deserve as many likes. I like clearing things up so before I go on, let’s get it clear that this is my opinion. You can have yours as well. There’s a reason I would follow a model that poses nude on instagram and not follow some renowned scholar’s blog. That reason is the same reason; there are different careers on earth. We have varying preferences which depend on our environment and mood. The people who know me know I am capable of having an intelligent conversation just as much as I can engage in utter nonsense. To some, this may seem stupid but again, it’s a personal preference and I won’t judge you for judging me because I do it.

If I was to throw around a body count of 40, I’d be a legend. If my sister did the same, she’d be a slut. I know, life is unfair but it goes both ways. If I was to wink at a girl and LL Cool J my lips at a girl, I’d be labeled a pervert. If a girl did that to me, it’d be sexy. I try never to get involved in this sex debates. Why? Everyone has a different opinion as to what the right way to relate with each other is. A feminist is seen as a champion for women’s rights. A chauvinist; well, let’s just say you don’t want to be called a chauvinist.

I’m sorry I have to use this example Kish (You forgive me, yes?). Kish once told me I verbally harassed some ladies when we were leaving a club. I understood where she was coming from but in my head, there was no way I was going to go joking around with men. With this current crop of pink trouser wearing men, I wouldn’t know how far they may want to take it. So Kish asked me, what if it was your sister who was being harassed. Well, two things. One, if I’m there, I stand up for her and deal with it. Two, if I’m not there then she will have to remember these words, “I’m not always going to be there. And at the end of the day, it’s not me they talking to.” It sounds rude but it’ll get them by.

I think it all boils down to our orientation as kids. I find your mama jokes and humour based on actual things like weight and physical appearances funny. Most people don’t. If I say a girl looks like a cross-breed of Lil Wayne and Samuel L Jackson, people will say I’m rude. If I made the same joke about a guy, people would probably laugh it off and he’ll be Lil Jackson from then. After my conversation with Kish, I gave this sex thing some thought. In my opinion, no sex gets preferential treatment. When we look at how the universe runs, it all balances out.

Men in most parts of Africa will inherit their parents land. The wife that son marries, will own the same land this man inherits. A man may get paid more for the same job as a woman but a man will get fired for a lesser reason than a woman. The time a man gets for the same crime as a woman isn’t the same. So when we are busy clamouring for more rights, we should also remember there are two sides to a coin. The coin has no value without the tail. So when you empower one group and completely sideline the other, we create an imbalance.

Right now, if you have young kids or are yet to have kids, you can teach your kids to grow the way you envision the world. If you want a world where your kids get equity then it starts with you. If you are the dad that always has to chew on the gizzard, you have no business asking your son not to do the same. If you are a dad that spends more time herding your daughters and letting your son run riot, don’t castigate him for turning into something you didn’t want. Everything has a beginning and the standards we set for our kids go a long way in influencing them. Be the person you see in your kids.

The gods must be lazy

Fridays are supposed to be the day you let loose and if you’re a Christian, let Jesus take the wheel. Well, I made the mistake of letting Kim take the wheel. I’ll take this from the top. Last weekend was my friend’s birthday so staying indoors was not an option. At my age I know with long holidays cometh great stories.

I had just spent the better part of Thursday night and Friday morning with them. As much as tequila is the devil’s chaser, I had managed to wake up fresh and make it to work on time. My mum always insisted on prayer so it was my prayer that these friends of mine would forget of my existence. Just for one day. I don’t hate them. Not at all. They just make my IQ level lower significantly and it’s already facing a hard time keeping up with me.

At around 6pm, (which we all know is the roll call time for non-social drinkers) my god forsaken phone received a text. A text which I probably should not have followed my gut feeling and ignored. The text read, “We are at Psys. Last couch inside. Where art thou?”. I felt my heart sink to my abdomen which grew in sheer size at the thought of what was going to happen. I played it cool and finished what I was doing at work without getting too excited. After an hour or so, I wrapped up and left for what was going to be a night I couldn’t think of in my wettest dreams.

I got home, had supper (I can’t use dinner when I’m eating fries and leftover meat at 9pm) and freshened up. I don’t have a car, so public transport is my forced tool of choice. I left the house at about quarter to ten and as I was walking out of the estate, the rain began to pound. Not that Titanic flavoured stuff you watch on telly. I’m talking Noah rain. I could feel my innocence being washed away. Luckily I got a cab not far away from our house.

All through the way, the cab driver kept on talking about how we should love each other as brothers (male and female, family zone and all). I rarely do small talk, even with kids, unless they watch Penguins of Madagascar or Chowder. He was so insightful I almost asked him to join us at the club but then I remembered I’d need someone to take me home if I was to go home. Being a regular at the club, I just felt warm and everything nice but not fruity. As I stepped into the elevator, I could see people just wave, hear the dames cheer and for a moment I heard someone say, “Here comes the hot stepper”.

I walked in and my gps led me to their exact location. It wasn’t full house yet. The birthday boy Stish, his Toni Braxton of a girlfriend Lejo and the most passionate, Kish were seated comfortably waiting for things to turn up. The Deejay was hot and cold playing Toni Braxton and shifting to Miley Cyrus without a care in the world. Being a professional procrastinator, my body had postponed the fatigue to that particular time. For about an hour or so I was just there, not sure whether to be happy I was with my friends or sad that my friends don’t know anything about sleep.

I’ve never had love for the ladies that serve shots because that’s usually the catalyst for any bad decisions. I thought the gods had heard my prayers and none of them had showed up in the vicinity. All this time the rain wasn’t giving in and the prayer signals were probably weak so the gods didn’t seem to hear me because those little devils with shot glasses came around. What were they serving? You got it. Tequila. Stish thought I was cringing at the sight of tequila but I was actually performing a ritual to contact the gods. Before they could respond, I had clobbered that midget of a drink.

By this time the quorum had grown from five to ten or ten and a half. I can confirm I saw a leprechaun among the people we were seated with. I wasn’t going to get plastered knowing this was just the beginning of what was going to be a marathon weekend. Did I mention I’d met Trish the previous day? Well, Trish is Ausenyan. A full Kenyan with Australian know-how. She’s cool for days. I saw her and everything froze. I said she was cool. Back to the story. I’m not much of a dancer so I kept my posterior as close to a cushion as possible. Then I saw Tintin and Vio so I went to say hi. I forgot to mention I have ADHD (Kish says so) so I left the table and wandered with Tintin to some other table.

When I got back, I’d missed the opening shot of the night’s drama. Someone had suggestively and without consent placed the end of his hand on Kish’s posterior. I wanted to take part in a little melee but it wasn’t going to happen. At his point Stish was getting shots from every corner of the round table and it started taking its toll when he started doing the Macarena to a hip hop record. We decided it was enough and it was time to call it a morning because it technically was Saturday.

When we got to the elevator, apparently there was a girl who I can’t recall for medical reasons that I made a pass at. I had no physical or verbal injuries so I know I didn’t cause that much harm. While waiting for a cab I got bored and saw someone with malnourished blonde hair and decided to ask her if it was real. I’m not sure whether she took it as a joke because she slyly smiled and threw the middle finger at me. I’m not good with mixed signals. Just before the cab guy decided he was going to hold us up longer, I made a comment about a posture I had seen someone pulling. Who doesn’t make fun of a tipsy girl trying to tie her laces on heels?

Finally the sub cab guy arrived. By this time, we were six and there was only one willing driver. Being young, agile and really tired, we hopped in and pointed him to our direction. The first bit of the journey was very smooth until we got to some notorious junction. Just before I go on, let me mention that I have lived in this area for ages and I know it quite well. This novice of a driver thought I was retarded or somewhat stupid when I told him he was going in the wrong direction.

All of a sudden I felt something on my feet. I let out a manly grunt but it was masked by the pounding rain and came out like a squeal. “The car is flooding!” I shouted. Before people even had time to comprehend what I had just said, I was met by a stern “Shut up!” from Kish. There was Esau rage in that voice so I just lifted my feet to safe ground or safe air and kept quiet. At that point it didn’t really matter. It didn’t hit them things were thick until the car stalled and they could feel their undies float from within their dresses. All this time Lejo and Stish were oblivious of the situation. Stish because he had blacked out and the gods had a surprise awaiting and Lejo was suspended on our laps. Someone just shrieked and Stish opened the door falling right into the water. By falling I mean he dropped into the water like a domino. By the time I had time to gather my thoughts, Venus (Stish’s brother) and I were on the roof of the car.

Why were we on the roof? Two and a half reasons. First, I have never bothered re-learning how to swim after almost drowning in my drool as a child. Secondly, we both had expensive shoes on and there was no way we were getting them wet. Lastly, the shoes were really expensive. We only waded into the water because everyone had left us there and the only other option was to help the driver push his car to safety which wasn’t a priority. I cussed my way through little ocean and just when I was about to clear it, the gods struck again. I looked up and Stish was almost drowning. I summoned all my swim-worthy ancestors and lifted him out of the thirsty river.

As Lejo and the rest of #TeamKitteni were laughing at Stish, Lejo was swallowed by the same river. I couldn’t laugh because she has really nice hair. I could care less about the dress she was wearing. Venus and his girlfriend Turan decided this was the perfect time to soak themselves in fecal rich water. I know manure makes things grow but I doubt it can grow hair or intellect. To make matters worse, they decided to clean their eyes with the same water. That didn’t go too well either. By this time I was drenched in foul-smelling water and all I wanted was water I could control. We managed to get a cab and because I felt filthy, I took my trousers off and remained in my dry Perry Ellis boxers (I better get paid for this marketing).

As the driver was complaining about how we should give him more money, all I could hear were moans from Turan as Venus comforted her. Then this formerly good driver looked at my thighs as if it to say, “It doesn’t have to be them alone.” I looked him in the eye and virtually slapped him with my back hand. He got back to his senses and got us home but not without complaining about the tissue Venus and his girlfriend had misused and the not so flowery scent they’d left behind. We all took a warm shower and proceeded to rest for the night.

I managed to escape from Stish’s place (although I eventually went back) and thanks to Kish, got home safe. The only thing I could think of this whole time was the comfort of sitting on the porcelain seat of the toilet and read a verse or two from the Art of Seduction. Sit I did. I thought about my life and how I almost learnt how to swim and whether it was time to move to higher ground to avoid all this unnecessary encounters with water. After a lifetime of thoughts and decided I was building an ark. An ultra-modern ark with wi-fi and unfortunately the only animals that will be allowed will be those that can be slaughtered. I can’t afford to carry extra baggage. I reached out for the tissue and alas! They had miraculously turned into wet wipes.  I’ll go into further details of the pros and cons of using this mode of tissuing in the future.

Today is Tuesday and I got home yesterday at 9pm. Do I love my home and family? Of course I do, they feed me and there’s no judging as to how long I take in the toilet. If I was to write about Saturday night, Sunday and Monday, you’d have to ask your boss for an off day like I should. All I can say is, I think the gods only had one task and they failed. They could have sent me a signal like making me work overnight. They didn’t and I paid the price of spending my morning writing this post. Next time you’re going out, don’t wear expensive shoes and don’t remove your trousers in anyone’s car. Have a lovely week as I embark on building my ark.

Why

Momma wants me to go to church,
Says it’ll nourish me,
Provide spiritual growth,
Give me a way out,
She says God listens,
To all,
Regardless of race or status,
All I need to do is ask,
Well I did mum,
I went before God,
Got on my knee,
Started as a prayer,
Thanking Him for all we have,
Asking for those who lacked,
But I had my own questions,
Why would I keep them to myself?
Mum told me God knew it all,
All that was in my head
What I thought,
What I contemplated,
But I have a dark past,
I needed to guide Him,
Show Him around,
So I got off my knees,
Sat on the platform,
Looked into the sky,
Took my glasses off,
And simply asked God,
Why?


Why do have inequalities?
When we’re all equal before your eyes,
So why do we need religion?
Isn’t being born in a tough world hard enough?
Do we have to be confused further?
Told to love our neighbours.
Even if they offend us,
Spit on what we believe,
Made to choose sides,
Why not end this all?
Relieve us of all the pain,
When I have to explain to my girl,
Why her mother’s covering her eyes,
Wearing eye shadow,
To shade the tears she’s shed,
From knowing I do what I do,
Not because I love it,
But because she has to eat,
Would I sell drugs if I had a job?
I don’t know,
Now they’re judging me,
Telling me it’s a choice,
But I had no choice when being born,
All I was given was life,
The rest I made from scratch,
It’s not easy but I do it,
Why should I let my daughter suffer?


I read about Adam and Eve,
No king, no government,
All I saw was equity,
But then came kings,
Ordained from above,
Mini gods on earth,
People with power over life and death,
Did we really need them?
Are the laws yours or theirs?
Forgive my inquisitiveness,
I’m lost in all this confusion,
I wouldn’t want to suffer in life,
And in the afterlife,
You sent your son,
The people you put there,
Are the same ones that took his life,
The people your son influenced,
Had different ideas,
Ambition got the better of them,
Or let’s just say they’re human,
They split to factions,
Claiming a common ancestry,
Giving rise to condescending descendants,
People incapable of adapting,
It’s their way or no way,
Is this our purpose on earth?
Antagonize other people?
Or why are we on earth?
If this is how we’ve got to live,
I’d just like you to tell me,
Why?

The Heat of the Moment

What’s love got to do with it?

Well,

Everything,

Love makes me wake up,

Love makes me smile,

Love makes me hate,

Love makes me ambitious,

Love makes me take risks,

Love makes me content,

Love makes me make mistakes,

I loved her,

I thought it was meant to be,

I knew there wasn’t anyone better,

It was either her,

Or her tomorrow,

All I knew was it had to be her,

I lived for her,

I made sacrifices,

Because if she wasn’t happy,

We weren’t happy,

I made a decision,

There could only be one outcome,

I was at my prime,

She wasn’t mindful of the dime,

Now was the time,

So I made my move,

I knew I had the groove,

Decided to kill two birds with one stone,

Ricochet is real.

She loved horror films,

So I took her for a movie,

Chose the perfect seat,

Got her skittles,

She loved her drink fizzy,

Took our seats,

Wrapped my hands around her,

She leaned in,

Playfully planted a kiss on me,

Tucked her hands under mine,

Movie started,

Screams rent the theatre,

Her grip grew tighter,

At the climax,

The screen went black,

The theatre silent,

It was suddenly cold,

A man grabbed me by the throat,

She let go and started to scream,

The screen came back on with the words,

“You’re my life,

Will you marry me?”

Tears flowed from her eyes,

She put her hands on my face with a smile,

With the calmest voice ever.

She said,

“No, not today!”,

My throat was free,

But I couldn’t breathe,

Disappointment was choking me,

I played it cool though,

And I’m here today.

My Pledge

I see trees zoom by,

As I sit on the window seat,

Remembering your smile,

Hearing your laughter echo,

Your voice,

A voice that got me through a lot,

That comforting voice when I wanted to quit,

The moments I’d had enough,

And wanted to let go,

You’d just smile,

Hold my face and tell me all was good,

There was nothing to worry about,

You made me see life differently,

You made life easier,

You stroked more than my ego,

You stroked my flaws,

Stoked them to finesse,

Made me more than a man,

You made me humble,

You showed me with great heights,

Came a greater fall,

But if toddlers learn to walk,

No fall can hold me back,

I always rise to my feet.

They once told me,

You’d rather die in your feet,

Than live on your knees,

But you taught me otherwise,

Taught me life was more important,

And just because you stand for something,

Doesn’t mean you have to die for it,

You can achieve far more alive,

Than you can in death,

So I live for posterity,

Make no promises,

Because I know nothing of tomorrow,

Rather,

I set goals,

Simply because goals can be adjusted,

Changed when the need arises,

You taught me to love today,

Because the future is based on hope,

Nothing’s certain,

The only sure thing is death,

When?

I don’t know,

Am I prepared?

No,

But with no regrets I don’t mind.

I saw as you cried,

Saw as your tears ran dry,

The roles were reversed,

I was the one smiling,

Telling you everything would turn out right,

Telling you to embrace your fears,

Looked into your eyes,

Held your face as you held mine,

And assured you it was not the end,

I remember saying goodbye,

But I’m almost done with my journey,

I’m coming home,

I’m still the same chap,

A little older maybe,

Just fonder of you,

As I look at the raindrops on the window,

I try to clear them,

But they still fall,

Just like your tears did,

But I’m back,

Here to stay,

You’ll never have to shed a tear for me,

Not today,

Not ever.